Zombiestuck- Not Okay

Chapter 43

A/N: From the comments I got on the last chapter (3 of them, wow), I'm not sure but I think you guys weren't too happy with the last chapter. It's ok, I was in pain writing it too. Well, I can't say this one will be much better. Here ya go!

Dirk

Dave is dying. Dave is dying and it's all my fault.

I saw the signs. I knew this was going to happen. But I didn't say anything. We could have done more to keep him safe if I told them what was going to happen. But I didn't. I was too worried about what everyone would think of my sanity to do what I had to do to save him.

So I told myself nothing was wrong. But I knew something was wrong. I was just too scared to admit it. And now Dave had to pay for that decision with his life.

That's why I had to leave the room. First it was the splitting headache I got the second I recognized it from my hallucination. Then it was the realization of what that meant I had done.

There was no way I could watch him die again. The first time was torture, and it would be even worse when I knew it was real and I knew it was my fault.

Of course this was happening now. Right when we were about to end all of this. Why did I think I could escape all the suffering? I was doing mostly fine before. I had Jake to calm me down when things got rough, and I was even starting to learn to help myself.

But now I was realizing that none of the problems ever actually went away. I was still the same miserable failure of a kid I had always been, and that's all I ever would be. I was only pretending not to be. I was just tricking myself into believing a lie so I didn't have to disappoint others with the truth.

I leaned up against the wall, tears streaming down my face. I fought back the urge to punch through the wall to let out my rage, but that only made me cry more. There was nothing I could do; the damage was already done. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and cried more, sliding my hands under my shades to rub my eyes.

Suddenly the door swung open and everyone started piling out. I watched them out of the corner of my eye without picking my head up. I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now. But I didn't have to talk to them to know exactly what their solemn tone was implying.

It was over. Dave was dead.

"Dirk, are you okay?" Roxy asked, breaking away from the group walking down the hallway to come over and talk to me. She squatted down and asked me again, but I didn't answer, only burying my face deeper into my hands.

Finally, Jake came out of the room and ran over to me. "Are you alright Dirk?" He asked.

Oh no. He was probably the person I least wanted to talk to right now. Even though he usually found a way to fix me when I was feeling like this, I just felt too guilty this time. I couldn't face him.

So I didn't. Jake told Roxy he would catch up with her in a minute, and when she sighed and left he sat down next to me but I stayed silent. His voice told me he was still crying and it gave me physical pain to hear it.

"Dirk, it's okay to be sad, but you can talk to me about it," he said.

No I can't, I thought. I would never forgive myself for what I did, and I would never expect him to either. I ruined everything at the last second. I made Dave die. This was serious, more serious than all the other horrible mistakes I had made. This was a life I had messed up. It couldn't get much worse than that.