365 Cups of Coffee

Eleven: Salted Caramel Mocha Frosticcino

    My mom notices that my eyes when I come down for dinner.  She tells me that I should invite Daniel to hang out in town, that he does well for me, and I force a smile and try not to start crying again.  Dinner is in front of the TV again.  I think it's the only way we can eat anymore; there are too many gaps between us, too much tension.  Too many things we want to bring up, all of which would result in tears, or a relapse into depression, or some other negative emotion.  So we eat in front of the TV, so no one says anything wrong, so this fragile peace we have won't fall apart.  We used to eat all our meals together, every night.

    But now that she’s suggested that I invite Daniel over, the idea takes hold in my mind, spreads like fire.  I would love him to see Higher Grounds, to see my writing room.  And yet, I know I can’t call him tonight.  I swear to myself I’ll wait it out until morning.  Of course, that doesn’t happen.  The moment we’re done dinner, my fingers itch to call Daniel.  I sit on my hands and watch TV for as long as I can stand it, but eventually, I just accept the inevitable.  I get up and find Daniel’s number under the caller ID.

    He answers within seconds. 

    “Aspen,” he says.  He sounds worried.  “Hell, are you okay?”

    “Yes,” I whisper, suddenly feeling myself melting. 

    “I’m sorry we almost pushed you to tell us.  That wasn’t right,” Daniel says.  “All in good time.”
    Or never.

    “Daniel, just stop talking about it, please,” I say.  “Listen, I called for a reason.  I was wondering if you just wanted to hang out here tomorrow.  Look.  Every time I’m with you, I’m going to be honest.  I feel more than I’ve felt in months.  I feel alive again.  And sometimes, you remind me of everything that’s happened, but at least I’ve woken up.  At least I’m doing something, finally.”

    Silence on the other end, and then a weak, “Okay.  I’ll meet you tomorrow.  Where and when?”

    “Can we meet at the coffee shop in town?  Higher Grounds?  At one?”

    Daniel mumbles a yes for everything, and then we hang up.  I wonder if he is happy that I finally invited him here, to my town, my world.  I try to smile; try to pretend I’m totally okay with everything.  Try to forget that there will most certainly be tension hanging over the two of us tomorrow, that he will want to know what happened.  And, as much as I’ll try to deny it to myself, I’ll have to tell him eventually.  That’s what friends do, right?  Tell each other secrets?  Maybe it will lessen the load.  But for now, I just say goodbye.

    I wear skinny jeans and a Deathly Hallows T-shirt in the morning.  No makeup.  My signature black flats, because it’s my favorite type of shoe.  I can hardly wait to see Daniel; nervous excitement courses through my veins, and I am woken up early by a dream where he cancels the plans.  It feels so real that I nearly don’t realize it’s a dream at first, until I look over at the clock and notice it’s only eight.  From eight until ten, I try to fall back sleep, but my mind refuses to rest.  I can’t even understand why I’m so suddenly nervous this won’t work out.

    It’s hard to choke down lunch, which is homemade chicken fingers.  They’re moist, extremely good, but I just can’t force them down my throat when my mouth is so dry.  So I eat only two and then tell my mom I’m going early to meet up with Daniel.  But when I get to the coffee shop, I see Ryan talking to customers inside the store, and I don’t want him to start talking to me before I bring Daniel in.  I want Daniel to be the only focus of my attention.

    I wait for Daniel under one of the willow trees outside Higher Grounds.  When he comes, he parks his car smoothly into one of the spots, and I come running up to him before he can go inside.  He grins, and twirls me around once into the doorframe.  A showy entrance.  Ryan looks up, and I swear he winks at me.  I take the lead, bringing Daniel into the store, up to the counter.  I see his eyes eating up the store.