Torment ( not done )

Chapter 2 The Past

* My POV * 

2:54 am

As I finally pull myself together I hear my phone buzz, Erika has to be . Tears are still rolling down my face but not as hard as before I concentrate on Ed . Kiss me is on now and I sing along . No I can't sing but I do it anyway . My family and friend say I am not bad but i dont believe them . I climb out of the tub grabbing my towel and wrapping it around me . Putting my glasses back on . I walk to my room . Its always so dark this time of morning . I have forgotten what it was like to wake up before the sun . Since its fall break I don't have to do it often . I get to my room and shut the door turning on my light remembering I have a text . I put my password in and check it yup Erika the only person I know who would be awake this late or rather early .

Erika: Being fine and saying you’re fine are two different things. I’m not everyone else, you can talk to me.

She kills me how do I tell her I don't know what to say. They took everything out of me . I can't talk about it . I can't break again its not even breakfast time .

Me: I would talk to you but there is nothing to say . I promise I am okay . What you doing ?

Maybe if I get her off subject she will forget . I am not as good as coping with this as I am with other things . I dry off and get dressed I am not going anywhere so I throw on a black tank top and my favorite shorts they say paradise on the booty . In rainbow colors . I sit on my bed looking through my poems each always bring back a memory or two . My phone buzzes again as soon as I pick up the first one . I sigh knowing she either A. Didn't buy it or B. I have to pretend with her as well . 

***

Erika: You’re such a horrible fucking liar. The thing you don’t understand is, two years ago, I was you right now. I was that brooding, sulky sad, brokenhearted girl. I’ve used every excuse there is. And I’m currently trying to get you to talk to me about it. Because you won’t, which makes it worse. Trust me.

How do I tell her that everything I worked for, fought for was a lie . He doesn't care about me . No one understands, this isn't the life I would have chosen for myself I also wouldn't wish this on anyone else . She doesn't know everything I have been through . What I have done . I deserve what people are doing to me . I know I do deep down its either God's way of punishing me or karma really, really hates me .

My past isn't the best I guess it could be worse . Don't get me wrong I have always had my mom behind me one hundred and ten percent and her love . But that's not what really is wrong . I don't know where to start its all so much. I was hurt as a child by my grandfather who we will just call dick . He hurt me for as long as I can remember until I was about eight . Always telling me.

" If you tell anyone they take me away. Do you want that?"

" This is your fault princess. You wanted it. "

" They won't believe you. Your a child talking against an adult."

" I will hurt your family if you tell."

Always giving me things . Dolls makeup anything I wanted I got. Still to this day I HATE being called princess. I can't stand it. You think that is bad as gets its not . While all that is going on at home my dad who we will call sperm donor for many reasons . Was always seeming to beat on my mom for various things . In many of his heated moments he would always look at me and say with such hatred .

" You are not mine . I never wanted you to began with! "

I always wondered why he hated me . Was it something I did ? I always try to show him how much I loved him . I played him I love you this much by Jimmy Wayne . I have this uncanning ability to replace words in songs with my own even as a child . I did it to many of them one I still sing my way is Cleaning out my closet by Eminem . He never really seemed to care about me not really deep down I knew I was a burden on him a consent reminder my mom cheated on him . How is that my fault ? What did I do so wrong to make him hate me so much ? My mom had told me more than once .

" Your daddy loves you . It's just some people have their own way of showing it . He doesn't mean what he says when he is angry baby girl he is your daddy. "

That statement was the first lie my mom ever told me  without even realizing it . See after everything went down with dick I had bad dreams and I have ADHD so it's hard for me to sleep anyway . They had me on trazodone at night to help me sleep . I was tired of taking it one night while at his house . My mom and him had spilt up many times but this one was for good . I decided I didn't want my medication that night . Be knowns to anyone . I wake up in the middle of the night him touching me . Court said I was just dreaming . I know what happened I know what I felt . I know what he did and so does he one day he'll have to answer to someone higher than all of us and what a joyous day that will be . You think that would be all but its not . My mom found the man who I now call dad and changed my last name to. His name is Don and he was a blessing I never thought we deserved . He is my DAD in every sense of the word. Not long after everything came out I began what I knew was normal . I got help and knew it wasn't right . I also began making my self sick after meals I was so skinny at one point you could see my ribs through my back . And spin through my stomach if I sucked in good enough . My mom got me help and I soon gained weight . Not my favorite but I did it for her . After I didn't have that outlet and everything I had done what I went through came back to haunt me . I began a new outlet, Cutting . Yeah I know it could of killed me I have many scars to prove that I didn't care I tried killing myself many times Breanna my "step" SISTER every time like she knew would knock on the door or stop me before I walked in and said

" I love you sissy ."

I couldn't tare her world apart . Not that young . My mom found out about the cutting and attempt on my own life . She tried really hard to get me help by this point my I am okay she is crazy face was perfected . They believed me over and over . Finally one day I was tired of being the way I was and I said I felt like a dangerous person not just to myself but my family . That same moment I was taking away from my family for a week or two felt like ages . When I came out I did it one more time then never again . Not to say I still don't think about it . I do but it's more of a thought than an action I am willing to take. I can't go back to that dark place never again I won't make it out a second time . Not whole anyway.