(Jimin POV)
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I loved autumn, I really did.
Your fresh body slowly opening up as you wake up to the melodious sound of rain. The oversized sweaters, the cold breeze, I truly loved it all.
It was one of the rare things I loved.
The constant routine of each morning; staring up at the ceiling and trying to convince yourself with reason that you had to get up, as you hear the rain pattering down your window.
The same tired reflection staring back in the mirror, shadows of misery spreading like webs underneath your eyes, as you pull on that oversized sweater.
The same words and excuses being practiced inside your head over and over, "I'm fine," as you step outside to greet the cold breeze.
I loved autumn, I really did.
It was one of the rare things I loved.
And as I unlocked my phone and checked my notifications, comments and votes flooding my latest chapter, I felt another rarity course through my caffeine driven veins;
happiness.
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The steel doors closed with a thud as the wind was left outside in the gray world, students quickly hustling in blue scarves and brown jackets.
I rubbed my eyes, trying to blend in and not be disturbed. I never liked speaking to anyone in the morning, it was a personal time for me. Whatever type of thoughts that would be racing through my 2 AM mind would swerve back and I would be trying to conjure up a reason as to why I was having those thoughts.
That's what I did; made up reasons to justify that everything was going fine, and quite frankly, I was good at it.
But what I was even more good at was pretending.
I wasn't depressed, that would be ridiculous. I think, just like everyone else, I'm just insecure.
Now if you'd ask me why I was insecure, I was still coming up with a proper reason.
Clinical depression isn't real, we all made up an excuse to reason the sadness behind living in this world; that there is no reason.
No reason to feel sadness, no reason to live.
Everything loses the meaning behind reason the moment we make up an excuse for something that has no reason.
Yet I couldn't deny that the thought of being insecure raddled me, what could it possibly be of?
My thoughts were interrupted as the school bell rang and the hallways crowded with barely awake bodies. I heard a voice call out my name, but I pretended not to notice as I returned another smile for the fifth time at someone whom I didn't even know.
Why couldn't I just be myself and not do what others expected of me?
Yes, be myself who needed to think of at least one reason each morning to live, be myself whose eyes cried more than crinkled in happiness whenever they weren't being watched, be myself who just desperately wanted a reason to live.
My phone delivered a message to me and I unlocked it, noticing that it was from the person whom was always first to witness my latest updates.
goldenboy : just a daily reminder that I love you so much!
I felt myself smile as my fingers travelled to the reply button, not caring I was walking without looking up. But then again, no one would dare bump into me.
chimchim_ : I love you too
I was about to press send when I saw familiar converse shoes enter my vision and I looked up to see the same boy. I stopped walking and studied the morning version of him which stood against the lockers.
His head hung low, studying the ground he was standing on. Dark brown hair of his held weightless as the strands caught light and reflected shine. Even from a distance, I could see the long lashes of his against those doe eyes and I tore myself away from staring.
I looked back down at my phone and pressed 'send', the second and final bell for class now ringing.
I looked again at the boy, and this time, he was staring at his phone.
Eyes travelled quickly and briefly across his screen and ever so faintly, I saw a smile spread across his delicate features.
I felt a wave of warmth, witnessing that smile of his for the first time ever. Despite noticing him on the first day of senior year, and trying to catch his attention for the next month and a half, it was truly refreshing to see a male like him smile.
And by God, it suited him a lot.
It was a funny thought, actually; I wished I wouldn't smile because it held nothing, but I wished he would smile because it held everything.
I didn't really know what it was that made me so desperate to get to know him, to talk to him, to have him open up to me and let me be the reason of his smile, but everytime I thought of doing so, I would feel that same rare feeling course throughout my deprived bones;
happiness.
And I wanted more.
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