(Jungkook POV)
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I squealed after reading the end of the latest chapter, feeling myself tingle with excitement. Such prose and perfection evaded my senses as I read the passages of the author, as if I could drink in the effects of his words.
His stories were so beautiful. There were times when I'd stay up a few more hours just so I could catch his update because he tended to update during the AM. Did he live around here as well? Or was it on the other side of the world? Was he an introvert or extrovert? Did he have nervousness like me as well or got along with everyone?
I never actually directly messaged him, only being one of the first people to comment and vote on his updates. If it was a particularly lucky day, I'd even see the tingling notification; chimchim_ has replied to your comment!
I blinked, setting my phone down to contain myself.
Pausing to take a sip of water, my eyes landed on my orange scarf and I was taken back several hours ago to a certain individual.
He was so ideal.
The way his clothing always fit him perfectly, unlike mine that was always baggy, the way his voice was sweet and pleasing to the senses, unlike mine that was always hoarse from barely speaking, the way his hair was bright and vivid and smelt like vanilla, unlike mine that was dull and brown.
Rare times like these, I wished I could be normal.
I wished I could be normal and not have this bucket of anxiety constantly washing over me and pooling around my insides. I wished I could look at someone in the eye and smile. I wished I could stand up to the kid who always kicked my seat.
I wished I could be beautiful.
But these thoughts that always said, "you're not skinny enough," "don't eat so much, you'll get more fat," "stuff yourself and get more ugly."
I usually stripped quickly enough to get into the shower and avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror. But sometimes, I'd weigh myself and feel the tears prick my eyes because I wasn't skinny enough. I could see the fear in my brown orbs as they roamed the areas of my pale, weak body. I could hear the water running and roaring in my ears as I heard myself rack with sobs. I could feel my body heave and shudder as I threw up the food that refused to stay inside my body.
I wasn't good enough nor would I ever be.
I couldn't be like that girl with perfect hair and toned legs. I couldn't be like that boy with broad shoulders and perfect cheekbones. I couldn't be who I strived to be; I couldn't be beautiful.
My phone buzzed and I wondered if it was another update at 3 AM, but my heart skipped as I saw the notification;
chimchim_ messaged you!
It might seem ridiculous of me to freak out internally over an author who I'd never even seen, someone who I'd never even talked to, but his stories had me crying and smiling and laughing and squealing.
He had me fall in love with the thought of being in love.
I clicked on the notification, leading me to the message popping up on my cracked screen.
chimchim_: hey :)
goldenboy: hiii
Oh my God, this was actually happening. Did he message the other five thousand followers of his as well?
chimchim_: I notice ur always the first to one to comment and vote
goldenboy: it's cause I rlly love ur stories lol
I felt happy, having a normal conversation. It was almost as if I had an actual friend.
chimchim_ : haha thx, so where do you live?
I told him the city's name and he responded with, "me too!" But what really got me triggered was that he even went to the same school as me.
chimchim_ : omg we should totally meet up! I'd love to meet up with you!
goldenboy: uhm maybe one day
I felt myself falter at the thought of perhaps disappointing him, but I didn't want this person to potentially be disgusted at my horrible state and leave me. I didn't want to be another victim on someone's 'to-bully list'. Although the author didn't seem like the kind to bully others.
chimchim_ : ah ok, well I'll be looking forward to that one day!
I couldn't help but smile at the contagious enthusiasm of his. He must be a really happy person with a perfect life. But I soon stopped the thought when I thought of myself. It was true that the way I spoke online was much different than when I spoke in real life. Online, I was enthusiastic and witty, yet completely opposite in my daily life.
Would he be opposite as well?
I put away my phone and pulled the blanket up to my chin, hands smoothing over the fleece fabric and warm scent of fabric softener filling my nose. I sighed into the blanket and registered the scent; vanilla.
The same scent of his hair.
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