In Another Life...

Chapter 43: ....

Addilyn

"So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong."

~Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

Chapter 43:....

What? The? Fuck?

It's like slow death. You know when news is so shocking it takes you way too long to process it? My theory, is that you've processed it already- you just become numb. Numb because it's hard to believe. You don't know how to react. So reflexively, you just pretend you're still processing it. You're not- you heard. You know. You know it's a shocker, you just hope that those couple of moments will undo what was said and done.

It takes me a minute to swallow and to start speaking. "I'm guessing it's not for a movie role, right? This kiss" My tone comes out dangerously low and I'm glad.

He can't look in my eyes. "No. It was at a club-"

"Urgh! I didn't want to know where" Then I compose myself. I don't feel heartbreak. I don't feel hurt. I just feel...switched off. Suffocated. Drowned. Gone. Numb.

"Baby, I'm so sorry", he says, coming to me as I put a hand on my forehead and take a seat.

I stay quiet, my eyes closed with my head facing the floor. It suddenly gets chilly and I don't care.
"Addilyn, please. Say something" He sounded dangerously close and desperate. I could hear the croaking in his voice.
I whipped my head up  (pretty sure I startled him). "Why? It's not worth it".
He..somehow turns angry. "I'm not worth it now?"

"No. You're not" I spat. "You go put your tongue down some random girl's throat and think that I can- what? Let it slide? Welcome you with open fucking arms. The worst part is that you're blaming your step dad's death on your actions".
I rose up and went close to his face. Then whispered, "Be a man and admit it was all you. Then, put yourself in my shoes. That pretty chick? Picture her as Dom. Or Mack or Will. Better that, that pervy friend of yours. And I'm you. And my tongue is ever so impulsively and intricately roaming it's way into his mouth. Maybe a piece of clothing falls off. Maybe-"

He groaned. "Addilyn, babe, I get it. I get it. I fucked up. I'm admitting it was all me. Just please- I can't. It'll kill me to be without you. I-"

"And it isn't killing me? How do you think I feel?" I kept my tone calm, cool and collected surprisingly. I was feeling the complete opposite of that.
"Bash, I- what did I do?"

"Nothing! You're perfect. It's me. I'm fucked up."

"You know", I sat back down, running a hand down his thigh as I went down.
"I thought you didn't trust me. That made me think that I would fuck up. That I'd probably cheat on you"

He looked confused.

"I thought- no it's worth it. I'm done, I'm tired. See yourself out."

"No", his eyes are getting tearier. "I'm not leaving things here".

"You remember the first time kissed you? The first time we fucked?"

"Won't ever forget", he said quietly.

"Both were done out of pity for you. Because you're manipulative and spoiled and shit. Always make things about you. You're wrong- fame has changed you".

"Addilyn-"

"You know what Chaz said to me once I told her we were a thing? She said 'Be careful. Don't ever date actors cause you can't tell their real emotions.'" I motioned at his watery eyes.
"Go take those to a movie set".

"What do you want me to do?"

"It's what I didn't want you to do. I wanted you to stay loyal". I replied, pulling my pajama shorts further down to cover me up (a sad attempt, really).

"I-" He started.

"Nothing. You, nothing. You're nothing- at least to me you are. Get out. We're done here."

"I'm not giving up on us" He plonked himself down on my sofa.

"It's gonna take a lot more than saying that and sitting on my couch to fix things, Sebastian"

"I'm really sorry." He tried again.

"No you're not. You-"

"Jesus, Addilyn I stopped it from going further! She took my top off-" I groaned when he said that- "and I stopped it. I stopped her before it went too far".

"Hon", I said, sweetly like a maniac. "It was already too far when you gave her a second look. Like it or not, you led her on. Tell me: Did I even roam in your thoughts whilst your mouth was inside hers?"

He walked out, glaring and huffing.

In a word, I fell apart.