Elsa

One

"Elsa," someone says, shaking my shoulder.

I can't believe I fell back asleep. I force myself to open my eyes and see Ariana. She smiles and turns away. I can hear her putting books in her bag, but I'm too tired to get up yet. I pull the blanket back over my head.

She laughs warmly. A second later she pulls the blanket away from my face. "Come on, sweetheart. Only one more day until Autumn break."

"I don't feel well," I say. In truth, I haven't been feeling well all semester. But Ariana isn't having any of it. She pulls a sweater dress from my closet and throws it at my face, then opens the door. 

"I'm going to fix my hair," she says, leaving the room.

I close my eyes for a second longer. Autumn break was only a partial comfort. At least it meant getting away from college, from all these people that I had to keep secrets from. But it meant once again realizing just how utterly alone I am in the world. Everyone else would go home to family for Thanksgiving, but I... I don't have anywhere to go.

Even if I did have family, I couldn't escape my powers.

Somehow I make myself get up and dressed. By the time Ariana's back I've french braided my hair and am pulling on my boots. As far as roommates go, I was lucky to get Ariana. She's not like some of the other girls I've seen. She gives me space and believes me when I lie about my powers.

The thing is, the longer I hold them in the worse it gets. I've been holding them in for years. Sometimes it hurts. Like all of this energy is building up inside of me, and it's going to tear me apart or explode if I don't let it go.

I thought going to college would help. I'd been alone for so long, dragging myself every day through the enormous mansion I inherited when my family died. I wanted to get away. I wanted to stop living in a tomb. But nothing changed, not really. Now I have to try even harder to contain my powers, because I'm never alone. People are everywhere you look. I thought I could make some friends, learn something, maybe start to live again.

I have learned something. I've learned that as long as I have these powers, I'll never be able to live. I can only hide.

***

I'm a straight-A student. I've always been good at writing papers and taking tests. But I don't have to try very hard. So I sit silently in speech class as everyone makes their presentations, pretending to pay attention but actually just waiting for this day to be over.

Ariana squeezes my hand and leans over. "How are you feeling? Still sick?"

I shrug, still staring ahead. She studies my face worriedly, but I try not to ask for pity. Half of me wants to curl up in her arms and cry it all out. But the other half knows that's a luxury I can never afford. If she cared, she'd pay attention. And if she'd paid attention, there's no way she wouldn't figure it out.

She's called to present, and I actually turn my focus on her. She's wonderful at giving speeches, even though she's nervous and reserved.

"My name is Ariana Tuthenko," she introduces before spinning into an engaging speech. It was picture perfect. I let a slight smile play on my face. I'm proud of Ariana.

As class ends, we spill into the hall with all our other classmates.

"Hey, Tooth," someone calls behind us. Ariana rolls her eyes at the nickname, but looks back at the boy calling her.

"Hello, Flynn," she says.

"Your speech was really impressive," he says. "Good job."

"Thank you," Ariana responds, smiling. "Yours was...very interesting," she offers.

Flynn frowns. "Yeah. Don't lie." He sighs. "I think the teacher's going to make me redo it."

I turn towards the stairs to go to my next class, but Ariana catches my arm. "Wait-" she looks back at Flynn. "I'll talk to you later, Flynn," she says. She turns to me. "I'll see you at lunch?"

I nod.

"My humanities class might go a little long since it's the last day before break," Ariana says. "Don't wait to eat." Her brow knits together. "You sure you're okay?"

"Never better," I say, forcing a half-hearted smile onto my face. "I'll see you." I trot down the stairs before Ariana can say anything else. 

***

I hate the food court. The smells of overly cooked packaged food waft through the stale air, mixing with hundreds of bodies wearing dirty clothes and old socks. It makes me sick just thinking about it. But I go because Ariana always meets me at the table in the far left corner. 

It's fifteen minutes later than normal, but I haven't eaten anything yet. Not because I'm waiting for Ariana, but because I don't have an appetite. If Ariana was here at least I could force myself to eat. Without her here, there's no one to put on a face for.

I turn my fork over and over on the table mindlessly. The metal gets colder and colder as I rub my fingers against it. My muscles tense. I hate feeling the cold, knowing what follows.

I watch my hands moving against the fork intently, trying to force my powers to stay tucked in. But the ice beats against my palms, screaming to be let out. I can see slivers of frost beginning to form on the metal, and I'm just about to bail and run out of the building when Ariana drops into the seat across from me. I jump and scoot the fork into my lap, folding my hands together to stop the ice.

"Elsa," she says, out of breath and excited. Her nose is red from being outside in the cold. She's smiling the way she does when she gets a new idea. "In class they announced this trip, and I-" she stops and searches through her bag, scrambling to find something. She pulls out a paper and hands it to me. I read the headline. HUMANITIES DEPARTMENT AUTUMN BREAK TRIP. The pictures show people standing by a bus, smiling and laughing. Another one shows a group posing on a snowy hillside, carrying skies.

I hate snow.

Ariana smiles at me. "They said this trip still had five openings, and that if anyone wanted to go it's not too late to sign up." She pauses, waiting for me to ask her to keep going. I don't give her the satisfaction, because I hate where she's headed. "I took the liberty of signing us both up."

I knew it. I bit the inside of my lip and try to formulate a response, but I just feel like crying.

"Look," Ariana says quietly, reaching across the table to put her hand on my arm. I flinch at her touch. I don't want her to feel my cold. She just grabs me more solidly. "I know you don't have anyone to go home to," she said softly. "I didn't want you to be alone."

I stare at the table.

"If you don't want to go," she sighs, "I can talk to my teacher and take your name off the list."

I don't say anything. It was so sweet of her. But she doesn't understand. I can't... I can't be around a whole bunch of people like that. At least here I only have to be in one place for one class session at a time. But there, I'd be with a small group in close quarters for- I glance at the paper to check the dates- for an entire week.

In the snow, nonetheless.

Ariana stands up and heads to get lunch. I stare at that picture of the group in the snow. They have snow all over their clothes, in their hair, on their gloves. The entire week is probably up to its neck in snow.

And then it hits me.

No one would be able to tell the difference.

If there was snow on my arm, it would just be snow. No one would question it. They'd maybe brush it off. 

If ice was found in the bus, they'd kick it aside, not giving it a second thought. It would just be ice.

And I realize that if there's one place I can hide my powers-

It's in the ice.

By the time Ariana comes back I'm able to put on a somewhat real smile and tell her that I want to go. That we'll both go.

And we head to our dorm to pack.