The Aftermath (Book IV) [NaNoWriMo13] (On Hold)

Chapter Sixteen - Confessions of a Dead Man

                                                                 Chapter Sixteen 

                                                       Confessions of a Dead Man

My hands were shaking as I sat there with my thoughts racing too quickly to understand them. I just couldn’t tell Jack. It was going to break his heart. There wasn’t a light way to tell him. This was going to shatter him. After everything he has reluctantly told, I do exactly what he’s been fearful of! He told me that he didn’t like how friendly I was around Zach and that it was probably confusing Zach. I didn’t believe him. He told me this several times, even months ago. I told him that he was just paranoid and that he needed to stop telling me what to do. At the time, I thought he was being a controlling jerk. But now I’ve realized that he was terrified of what might happen. Of what just happened. He was afraid of losing me.

I honestly never would have thought that it would ever happen. This entire time I thought the relationship with Zach bridge had been burned down, turned to ash, for nearly a year now. I thought that we were both past us. We have to be. It was horrifying to know that pieces of Zach still remained attached to my heart. I didn’t want there to be. Not even a speck. I love Jack with every piece of my body and soul. And what just happened with Zach makes it seem that the love I have for Jack is meaningless. No, it wasn’t my fault entirely. Zach had kissed me. But I do admit that I had let down my married shield and treated Zach just like I used to. After all, he was my best friend, once upon a time. Not many can understand the rules of married life. Pretty sure rule number one is to not kiss an ex. Rule number two probably has to do with not being too friendly with other guys. I think rule number three has to do with towels being on the bathroom floor.

How was Jack going to take this? I mean, he had some words with Liam just because he was being overly friendly. What is he going to do when he hears about the thing he’s been paranoid about? Jack has two things he truly worried about: me getting hurt or losing me. On Renton, where the population is most likely over seventy percent males, it makes every man who has a girl paranoid. Heck, even Zoey had told me about Henry’s jealousy. I just felt horrible about all of this. Was it really that bad? You’re exaggerating it, I thought as I chewed my nails. Maybe I was over thinking it? I did that often. It was just a kiss, after all. It won’t ever happen again. You told Jack that you and Zach would never happen again, and that things were entirely over, said a voice in the back of my head. I knew that voice was right.

I brought my legs to my chest as I huddled by the fire. I had to think of a light way to tell Jack. I needed to tell him how it won’t ever happen again. Zach is just my friend, and he will remain that way. I was just a friend, Jack’s voice echoed in my head. He once told me that after telling me how afraid he was of losing me. I didn’t know how to deal with this. On one hand it was no big deal. Just a mistake. On the other it was the one way to truly hurt my husband. It didn’t matter if it was just a kiss. In his mind, it was basically leaving him. There wasn’t must that could hurt Jack, but betrayal in any way, shape, or form was like a dagger to his heart. I, of all people, knew that. I’ve seen into his mind. And that is why I wished nothing more than to just erase what had just happened with Zach. I’d do anything to change that. Not only will this hurt Jack, but it’s going to remove every bit of trust he had in me or Zach. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. Jack doesn’t trust easily, at all. Believe it or not, he had trusted me before this.

When I heard a slight humming in the air my entire body locked up. I closed my eyes tightly and took deep breaths to calm myself. I couldn’t tell him when I looked like a trembling Chihuahua. I had to make it look like it was no big deal. It wasn’t, to a normal person. But to Twiads with a mostly male population who grew up without any females, it was huge. The really tragic thing was that I’ve done this exact thing to Zach when we were dating. Sure, we weren’t an ‘official’ couple…But I had kissed Jack, once or twice. I’m such a slut. It was a cold hard fact. It’s funny considering I’ve only been with one man in my life, and have only had three boyfriends. Maybe my daddy issues contributed to my dysfunctional way of life.