You're Driving Me Crazy

Then and Now

   Carol had been up for the most of the night, in her own head, crawling in the bed silently. She had watched her husband sleeping, his head under the pillow. He looked like he was in a battle with the world's struggles. She wished she could nuzzle in his neck, assuring him that he wasn't alone, and maybe she could get what she had asked for a long time ago; warmth. It seemed the room was warm but she couldn't feel it. Her fingertips were freezing cold, her short breaths even colder. How did she get here?

 "She had wished a nice house near the lake on her 15th birthday, with high ceilings, and big windows looking through the city. She had wished a fairytale life on the 16th, a travel to Costa Rica on 17th and a job as a writer on 18th. Not long after, she had realized she couldn't have those things in such a short time with a job as a writer, so she had worked harder, had tried new jobs. Short after when she had begun to assist a high school teacher in her collage years, in English literature, she had already given up the first wish. Then, the years had started to pass with a blink of eye; and before she had realized, she had already given up the second wish too. She had found herself in the middle of an affair with a married man. "...it's because of your lack of the selflove" She had been told several times. She didn't really believe in it. She believed it took so much strength and bravery."

   Her husband groaned in his sleep and rolled to his side. She looked over at him, sighing. " ...I'm not gonna leave my family for... for you! Family! Do you even understand that? That's 16 Christmases, 16 thanksgivings, damn 16 years..."

"You mean I don't worth it?"

"The phrase, echoed in her head as she laid silently in the bed, staring at the ceiling "worth it". Was that all that she could think about when she asked a married man to leave with her? "How selfish of me" she now understood. She understood that it wasn't a sign of bravery or strength, it was the same "lack of selflove", she was so used to call bravery."

   It was almost dawn when her husband rolled to face Carol. She lightly smiled at him "hey". He wrapped his arm around her waist and nuzzled closer. "Call in sick today" He whispered with his eyes closed. "You know that I Can't" She tried to crawl back suddenly, moving her head a little. She was so taken by her own sudden moves. She didn't understand her passion to be closer to her husband but at the same time the despise that filled her when she felt his breath on her skin. He kissed her neck, then her jaw. When he moved to her lips she bounced back " I really have to go". He grabbed her arm" Call in sick" He was wide awake now." I can't" She forced a smile and before he could pounce at her, forcing her to stay, left the room.

   She needed to get out of those four walls. School made her feel like a different person remember? She could've never imagined that one day staying in bed would make her feel sick.

   She put on her clothes, pulled her hair back and did a ponytale, made coffee, grabbed her stuff and got out of the house. Same routine everyday. Experiencing the same things everyday tiered her, to the point where she saw it all pointless and, once her youth was gone, she kept thinking, it would be downhill all the way, with old age beginning to leave irreversible marks, the onset of illness, the departure of friends. It almost felt like she was already so old, her youth gone, her energy not enough; it frightened her.

   She sat into her car and took a deep breath. She didn't remember when she had given up her last wish; becoming a writer. Maybe when she had married the good looking cop and had thrown herself into his arms, or maybe when she had become the vice principal of a school. How did she get here?

   Carol drove to school in complete silence of her mind, ignoring people on their daily life, on the street. She stepped out when she arrived at the parking lot, and took a look around. Life was still going on after what had happened last week; a complete humiliation, caused by a student filled with rage. Humiliating lines about Mrs. Smith on the walls, lockers, mirrors and every spot of the school. An act of protest to God knows what. Staying in the dark wasn't Carol's favorite part. And after many tries, detentions, community services, the "artist" remained unknown. Which had caused a riot; an uncontrollable one. Students had divided in groups, those who despised Mrs. Smith's dreadful presence and those who didn't. The riot had ended with an emotional speech of the principal, about having each other's back as a one big family. Finally, everything had come to an end. Matthew had got suspended for a week.

   Now that Carol was standing before the stairs, watching the normal, everyday life of the students filled with laughter and life, she felt empty.

   The English teacher had returned so besides some parent teacher conferences and some stuff to sort out before the big football game, Carol had the rest of the day to herself. She wandered around during the day, trying to avoid running to Couch Willson. She knew if he'd seen her, he would've wanted to try to fix her, because he knew her too well, He knew her every move. But she didn't need fixing.

   She gazed through the hallway, from inside an old classroom trying to find someone who would help her move some heavy stuff, when Peter called out for her.

"Do you need a hand?" Peter said standing in the doorway as she moved away.

"No, not from you" She said without looking at him.

"Come on, you know I didn't have anything to do with that." He said taking a step forward, scared to move closer.

"But he's your friend right? You could've stopped him." Carol said, feeling her face burn. The fact that every one had moved on so fast, after what Matthew had done and had called it art, made her upset.

   Peter took another step closer and stood there watching her, desperately trying to lift a heavy box. She dropped the box, and exhaled sharply" What do you want?" She looked him into his eyes, angrily. He smiled at her lightly. "I just want to help. May I?" He gestured in an offer of help, then. She took a deep breath and moved so he could lift the box from the ground. There was something about this boy, that made him irresistible. "Whoa...What's in here, it's so heavy" He chuckled, taking the box and smiled at her once more, before leaving the room.

   The rest of the day followed the events. Carol assigned two other students to help her. She gazed over at Peter once in a while, only to catch him looking back at her with a light smirk which made her smile. He came to her once in a while to whisper how the "writing your thoughts" project had helped him accept his own demons. She had let go of any detention project she had assigned them to do, after she had found out about Matthew's work of art.

   The four of them cleaned the room and talked a lot. They had a lot to learn from each other. Carol felt good for once after a long time. She felt alive. In the past two hours she hadn't tried to stop any wild move those teenagers made. She had enjoyed their company. She had felt alive. Her breathing was steadier than that morning and she was relived about that.

" Guys, listen up" She called out during their ten minutes of break." I have a detention group on Saturday, we're doing community service and I really need some help to organize those groups. Who can give me a hand?" She hoped that after today, she could get students on her side. They glanced at eachother, yet no one said a thing. "I can" Peter said all of a sudden" If you want me to" And smirked lightly. "Alright" she exhaled. "Thank you guys, that's enough for today" everyone got up to leave the room.

   Peter looked over at Carol, and came closer saying" I hope- you're not angry with me anymore."

   She shook her head with a light smile "No. Forgive me for treating you like a jerk" she chuckled then, so did he" Apologies accepted" He smirked at her once more" So you wanna do this organizing thing now?" He said with his smirk still on, as he stood closer to her.

"Like right now? Don't you want to get home and to your video games asap?!"She giggled. "Well this seems like a better idea!" He stepped closer. He could smell her scent. The strong vanilla smell. She looked up at him for a while, then said" Alright, if you want this that much, there's a piece of paper on my desk, with a list of names on it, bring it and we can start" she smiled at him once more as he left her in the silent and empty room.

Carol breathed out slowly, knowing she had done good for one day...