You Saved Me

Hour Four: Confession

"Kate. What. Is. This?"

"I-I can explain that," I stammer and quickly grab the bottle from his hands.

"Why? What happened?"

"I don't know one day I just woke up and I had it," I shrug nonchalantly but inside I'm about to have a panic attack.

"But," Noah continues to look at me strange.

"But what? You didn't expect it? Yeah whatever. I didn't expect it either but that's it This is me," I walk over to my bag pull out my headphones and stick the bottle in my pocket. Before he can get out another word my music is playing and my head is in my arms laying on the desk. From the corner of my eye I see his shoe slide by me. The picture takes me back to a time when I used to cheat in seven up by remembering people's shoes if my thumb was tapped. The random memory makes me smile. That is until he pulls a headphone out of one ear.

"Kate, you can't avoid this. I know you can't," he exclaims forcefully.

"Why? Does this change who I am? The way you look at me is now completely different? Should I feel different?"

"No, I just want to help you. I don't know how but I want to try," he tries to comfort me but I keep this a secret that only my family and Alex know.

"You can't help me. Chronic depression doesn't have some major cure. You swooping in and becoming my hero or something won't kill my depression.  I just need to take my pills and I'm set for the day," I say slightly harsh but talking about my depression is uncomfortable and an issue not often brought up in my daily, ordinary conversation. Although this isn't a very ordinary day, is it? 

"I wasn't expecting that I just thought you might need someone to talk to. I wouldn't want to be your hero anyway," he scoffs and although I hadn't found any attraction to this boy I had hoped for him to say something loving and kind like in the books and movies.

"Gee, thanks," I push my headphone back in my ear as he starts to say something.

"Kate, can you stop ignoring me!" he whisper shouts and both of my earbuds come out this time. "Listen, I didn't mean it like that I just...I'm not used to these situations with girls and what to say and I'm such an awkward human being." 

"You, Noah? Baseball star? Popular guy? You  have trouble with girls and sad slash weird situations," I raise my eyebrows in disbelief.

"What do you think I do? Get with drunk girls every party and have sex with them after listening to their sob story?" 

"Yeah, well that's at least what Eric does and he brags about it, so I figured maybe you do it too," I suggest and my heart rises when he looks at me like I'm insane because that means he doesn't do any of that stuff.

"Wow, talk about judging people before you know them," he states and rolls his eyes.

"I'm sorry. And I didn't mean to be rude when I said I didn't want you to be my hero. I just don't like to open up that section of my life. Only my family and Alex know. I always feel depressed and not happy but I've learned to push it to the back of my mind because how will I live my life like that, y'know?

"I get what you are saying. If I was in your position I'd really only want a few people to know," he replies.

"I'm afraid everyone will treat me different. For example, when Alex found out she would do hourly check ups on me when we weren't together and when we were together it was constant special treatment. That was until, I told her off about it and now she acts normal," explaining this is difficult but also freeing so I keep going with my story.

"How long have you had it?"

"Since I was nine. It was difficult comprehending that when I was so young. Not until I was fourteen did I realize what I was taking pills for. Then I told Alex a year later. I don't know what made my mom check that I had it because I was still myself. I think I had a major weight loss and I just wasn't as enthusiastic about many of the things I loved. I thought I was growing up and she thought I was depressed. Mother knows best right?" 

"Wow, who would ever think you know? At the age of nine this happened to you. Was it caused by some tragic accident or did you just develop it?"

"My grandma passed away a few months before. My dad's mom, I never really knew my other grandma I think her and my mom had a bad past. She never really divulged in that part of her life," I answer and continue to answer his multiple questions on the new information he has just learned about me. I surprisingly don't mind too much explaining this to him as he continues to pry open the darkest part of my life. It really is freeing to do this and such a relaxation of everything I have to keep inside. In the simplest terms, it is kind of like popping a huge pimple. If that doesn't make me sound like a huge weirdo to you guys but it probably does.

After what feels lime hours of this I look at the clock and realize it has only been twenty minutes. Noah finally relents on the questions and I sit back in my chair, glad to take a break from the interrogation.

"Noah. You do realize that now you have to share your deepest darkest secret with me," I tell him.

"Hey, I accidentally found out  about your depression. And I don't think there is a way to really find out mine accidentally," he states as an excuse and gets up to start walking around. 

"Fine, I'll guess," I decide.

"You are secretly a Lizzie McGuire stan?"

"Who isn't?"

"True, so all you have ever wanted in life was to be a part of a rom com?"

"Are you trying to out me on something here?"

"No, I just don't have a direction of where to go. Is there like a category I could follow?" 

"Um, well lots of teenagers do it and yeah. So its an action," he gives me and leaves me more confused than before.

"You have never had alcohol?"

"I have."

"Never smoked weed?"

"Never wanted to but that is not my secret."

"You. Oh I know! You have never had sex!"

"Yep."

"Wait what," how has this kid never had sex. He seems like the type to have already had sex with the multiple girls he has dated. 

"I am being serious. I guess you could say that I am looking for the right person but not really? If that makes any sense," he shrugs. 

"Wow, I would never think," I still try to comprehend what hes saying but I decide this shouldn't be a huge deal and let it go.

"Why? Are you virgin?" he asks.

"No, I lost it last year at a party," I tell him.

The next couple minutes pass by awkwardly and I regret forcing him to tell me this because in usual books he is the experienced sex-er or whatever you want to call it and I'm the virgin and every high school romance book on Wattpad didn't teach me what to do in this situation 

"What do you call a virgin on a water bed?" I stutter out in attempt to fill the silence.

"I don't want to hear the answer," he says but I don't realize and I say the answer anyway.

"A cherry float," Oh my God I hate myself. 

And that my readers is the moment Noah will make fun of me for the rest of my life.