And Then She Stopped

chapter nineteen

The next morning, Maya woke up with her hand rested on Lucas' chest and his arms wrapped around her. She smiled and craned her neck so she could see him, he was still sleeping. Trying to be careful not to wake him she rolled over and checked the time on his phone, it was 11 o'clock and she was meeting Riley at noon.

"Hey," She cooed stroking his hair in a vain attempt to wake him. When he didn't stir she leaned in and gently kissed him. "Good morning."

"Good morning." He grinned, sitting up and going in for another kiss, Maya but her hand up before he could,

"I have to get ready to meet Riley and you," She moved onto her knees to kiss the top of his head, "have morning breath." She finished, standing up and brushing the dirt off of her jeans. Maya walked over to the door and turned around to see Lucas shoving the blanket into his bag and groggily standing before walking down the stairs to her apartment to change her clothes. When she pushed open the door to her apartment Maya stopped dead in her tracks. She'd been going out so much she lost her tolerance to the burning stench of alcohol so the thick scotch infused air hit her like a slap in the face. Back to reality. No more chasing Lucas around the city and laughing with Riley because no matter how much light came into her life the darkness always found a way to creep back in. Being careful not to cut herself, Maya sidestepped around the shattered glass and her mother on the floor over to the dust pan she kept above the kitchen cabinets. Trying to be as quiet as possible Maya swept the shards of glass into the pan and tossed them into the recycling bin. Still doing her best to be quiet, Maya walked back over to her mom and lay a blanket on top of her, sighing as walked into her bedroom.

Maya was studying herself in the mirror. She changed into a loose muted green shirt and her ripped jeans that she had to cuff at the bottom because they were too long for her. Although she was physically the same person, Maya struggled to recognize herself in the mirror. The person in the mirror looked empty and distant – both things Maya was, but she wasn't fond of the idea that anyone who looked at her could figure it out. Slowly she spread a smile across her face, it was the same smile she'd been using for a while, the smile that fooled everyone. Then she tried a laugh, the same hollow laugh she'd used all month. It didn't sound right, but Maya noticed that if people want to believe you're alright – they'll overlook small details like the desperation in your eyes or the desolation of your laughter. She smiled once more then slung her bag over her shoulder and walked out of the apartment.

The snow was startling, when she'd woken up on the roof there was nothing but a thin frost covering the ground in patchy sections, and now there was a thick blanket of snow covering the entire street and the strong wind was whipping more down on them. Maya put her hand up as though it could help protect her from the storm and began walking against the wind to Riley's house.

When Maya climbed through Riley's window she was covered in snow that melted away almost instantly as she sat on the bay window and closed the window behind her. Riley sat there looking concerned at how Maya's lips, ears, and the tips of her fingers had started to turn a redish blue. Frantically, Riley scrambled around her room collecting blankets and towels to warm up her friend.

"You must be freezing!" She exclaimed wrapping another blanket around Maya.

"No colder than I usually feel." Maya murmured inaudibly, pushing the blankets off of her. "Riley I'm fine, can we just talk for a bit?" Riley rushed over to her and put a few of the blankets back over her before taking her seat in the bay window.

"Yeah, of course. Let's talk."

Maya drew in a quick and sharp breath, closing her eyes so she wouldn't see how Riley reacted to her question, "Riles," She began, "Do you ever feel absent? Like all the bad in your life outnumbers the good so much so that you just feel like you're disappearing in the darkness?" Riley shook her head,

"No, I can't say I do. Do you? D-Do you ever feel like that?" She stammered, beginning to get very worried about her friend. "Because you can tell me if you do." Maya pushed out the laugh she'd rehearsed early,

"No of course not. I just read about it." She said stiffly, "I think I should go, you know, make sure my mom doesn't try to go out in this weather."

"No wait –" Riley reached forward and grabbed Maya's hand before she could open the window, "At least stay for a little bit, or let my parents drive you home." Maya smiled and slid Riley's hand off of hers,

"No one should be driving right now, but I'll text you. Okay?"

"Okay." Riley agreed more than a little disappointed Maya didn't stay longer. She moved over to her bed so that she wouldn't covered in snow when Maya opened the window and then moved down to the kitchen to grab a snack.

Maya stumbled down the fire escape and back out onto the side walk, struggling to find her way and fight the wind. Eventually the wind blew her over and she fell down into the snow. Rather than standing up she looked at her hands in the snow and wondered if she was ever really happy. Someone placed a hand on her shoulder and she jumped.

"Maya? What are you doing out right now? I don't know if you've noticed but we're kind of in the middle of a blizzard." Lucas said pulling Maya to her feet.

"Just leave me alone Huckleberry." Maya heard herself say, no longer feeling in control of her words or actions.

"Come one Maya I'll take you home." He put an arm around her and she pushed it off,

"God Lucas! We don't have to be together all of the time! Sometimes people need some space so stop hovering! I can take care of myself!" She screamed as the wind whipped her hair around her.

"I-I know that I just want to be there for you." He stuttered, holding his hand out to her. She knocked his hand away.

'Well don't. I don't need you." She jeered, turning and walking away from one of the remaining few people who cared about her and wiping the warm tears off of her cheeks.

On occasion, when she got too cold, Maya stopped inside a convenience store and looked around while waiting for her hands to return to their normal shade. Eventually the storm died down to a light snow and then to nothing but Maya continued walking. She walked to her apartment and grabbed the trench coat Lucas had given her what seemed like years ago and the keys to her mom's car – not knowing where she was going or if she'd ever want to come back.