Earthly Own

Ante Meridiem

  Tell me.
Who do you expect to be there for you?
When will you understand how far I will go to make you mine?
I think about you daily
The sound of your smile.
The shape of your smile.
The warmth of your smile.
The touch of that smile.. on my own.

Perhaps it changes from time to time
but the questions and restrictions blur my state of rational.
I like how I live now.
Freely. Carelessly. Alone in my unwritten thoughts.
I do it to compartmentalize. But I haven't quite figured it out yet.
-I can do chores for an hour or so.
-Drink some decaf in my dad's favorite mug so it lasts for roughly fifteen minutes.
-and wait for a cup of noodles that take eight minutes to cook because I like the way it reminds me of how impatient you were when I used to make us lunch.
-Watch Anime. I can do that for approximately 7 straight hours on end.
-Read about courageous heroines conquer death, their lover a handsome blue eyed detective that uncovers bloody truths. Each book, two consecutive days.

I do it to forget. It is a tragic failure.

Instead
I am a 1000 year old vampire out to seek power from a cub I sired.
A chef on the cutting block.
Quantico fugitive.
The dowager princess.
A seamstress.
An ancient tycoon.
Half demon.
Muggle.
A half** poetess that lives in a dreamworld filled with make believe characters.

Sometimes I let my mother bully me into driving her around town.
We run errands. I go shopping for groceries. Lug around the laundry. Pick up the mail. Drive her to her friends.

But then
on the sidewalk
I see a boy with your eyes.
He smiles.
Waves.
With another.
He is you
and I want to choke and fall
into a deep dark hole.
I deserve as much.
I pull over to the curb much to her indignation and I let out a bottled up wail.

Her ears bleed and she comforts me the only way she knows how: Oh baby, I told you that boy was trouble. Good riddance. Look me in the eyes baby. You did the right thing.
Good.
**.
Riddance.

Ladies and gentlemen.
My greatest fear is to be left alone.

What is yours?









Goodnight.