Emotionally Inexpressive

Chapter 5: Getting comfortable already.

There are 4 rooms upstairs here.
I open the one closes to the stairs first to look inside. I prefer to take a room that would allow me an escape route if there is ever like an attack or something. You know what I mean ?

As I open the door of the room i notice that the room is already painted and decorated to the standard of a boy. Not trying to be a stereotyper, but heck this rooms wasn't for me. Confused I move to the other one and it's also had the themes and boyish decorations of cars and sports.

WIERD.

I move to the next room and I see its way too formal and homely. I guess this belongs to my parents.
"Your room is over there" my dad says. I turn and see him pointing towards a rooms that opposite the one I was looking at now.

Opening the door and BOOM. I get bad feeling and vibes immediately. The feelings come from places I was trying to not think of.

I just stay silent. I don't know how to react. It's similar to the one I used to have. I don't know why I am not happy but I am not. Looking at this room has just made me remember what I had left behind.

I go in and set my bag down. The bed looking right at me is covered in red and white blanket-sheets. Followed by pink and white pillows. The rooms was pretty.
"Everything is all set up for you." My dad says from the behind me. He is standing at the front of my room. "You just have to unpack some of your clothes. That's it. Everything else is here" my dad pauses. He looks somewhat sad himself. I don't think I am making it any better right now.

Coming in further inside my room he sits at the edge of my bed. He pats the space next to him. Gesturing me to sit beside him.

But I don't even budge.

No. God please no.
Now I really wish I was in my other house. So that i could lock myself away from this.

This is painfully awkward.

Dad is the only one in my family that sometimes seems to notice me. We are awfully alike in a lot of ways. E.g we don't talk a lot and we are closed off from the rest of the world. He bows a lot of my struggles, flaws and tiny secrets that he managed to just keep it between me and him. Like how I once didn't go to school and when the school called, he found me in the park and took me to the movies. He made sure that he didn't tell mom as long us I promised him to not do it again.

So it bothers me to see him in discomfort. I know something is bugging him but I don't know what. I want to ask but I know that won't happen. Heartless right? Call me whatever you want but I just can't get myself to do it.

So I can't help but think that he is here to find sympathy. In which I am not good at providing. Soothing is bothering him.

I feel my chest starting to get heavy.

Not now. I say to myself. Digging my nails into my palm.

Dad what are you doing? You are going to make me cry.

What? What does he want? I want him to go away. I want to lock myself in this room and just stay there. By myself. I don't like my dad feeling bad.

He just sighs and says.
"Things will be different but I want you to know that-," he seems pained I don't know how to respond. Thai kills me.

"Dad, the house is nice. My room is great and I love it. Julian is an idiot for judging a book by its cover." I find courage. But I know it's false. False statement. To change the subject. I know he feels guilty for moving us without an explanation but I don't want him to.

"That's good to hear honey, but that's not what I wanted to say" God no. Not again. Why? Why does he have to be like this to me. I want to tell him to go talk to mom. Or to talk to all of us instead of just talking to me. At least i would have other people to be awkward with.

"We moved because I didn't think that we were really home. Plus gramma is getting old and she wanted us closer." Getting up to leave my room he just looks around my room.

"We are not the only ones that had to move. Your cousins are here too. They moved too" Oh. Like this isn't wired at all.

"So consider yourself lucky. They had to find a new collage. Restart the year and all..." I mean I am glad. But WHY did we have to move though? I wanted to ask that but I thought it was beat if I didn't.

"Grandma will call later. She properly wants to talk to you." He says finally ending the awkward ness that's killing us.

I nod my head slightly.
"I will call her after i organise my staff" I say pointing to my bag. He hears the begging tone in my voice that was telling him to go because I needed to be alone.

"Right. So I am just gonna leave you then." Heading to exist my room, he turns one more time to say
"dinner will be pizza, so your mother will bring it up here for you if you want." I just nod uncontrollably to show my appreciation for his consideration. I wanted to be alone.

My dad might be like me, but he is considerate and caring. And I LOVE him for that.