A Likely Story

10. disbound

There was that pool of darkness above my head again, but every time I raised my face up and tried to catch it out, it disappeared into the light and then came back so that I saw a black line above my eyelashes when I lifted my eyes.

“Lula.”

I tried lifting my hand up towards it without looking up, but it slipped away from me just as my fingers brushed against it. It felt exactly like the material of the witch's costume I'd been forced to wear one Halloween in primary school, hot and heavy and horrible.

“Lula, you need to get up.”

I rolled over onto my side, turning away from the direction that the sound was coming from. I needed to finish pulling the darkness away from over my head.

“Lula!” I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“I'm just going to stay here for a bit,” I mumbled with my eyes shut. I tried to lift an arm to show that I wasn't dead, but it suddenly felt like a bag filled with rocks. “Just a little bit.”

“Lula, you can't start this again. Open your eyes.” There was a pinprick of worry, and I heard it but pretended not to. “Please.”

My eyes stayed shut, and I listened instead of speaking.

“Please, Lula.”

I was silent. Finally, there was the sound of footsteps walking away, down the steps. Time melted into time as I went back to playing the familiar game with the dark splotch above my head.

Then without any warning, my world turned to liquid and I thought I was drowning as breathtakingly freezing water took the place of air. My eyes snapped open, and for a second I saw everything with crystal clarity; my mum standing beside my bed with her dark wavy hair dragged up in a ponytail, holding an empty saucepan; the grey sleeve of a dress poking out of my cupboard; my fingernails, red and raw, chewed down to the quick as of the night before.

Then the cold caught up with me and I shot up from my bed and gasped and gasped, shivering violently, clutching my knees to my chest.

I felt a warm hand on my back as I coughed and sucked air into my lungs. “You are not allowed to go back there,” she said firmly.

I stared blankly up at the white space of wall behind her head. Then she leant forward abruptly and shook me so hard that I actually felt my mouth open and close of its own accord.

“God, you're full of surprises today,” I said tonelessly.

“Pull yourself together,” she yelled suddenly, banging her hand on the wall next to my bed. It took all my energy not to flinch. “Every time something bad happens, you cannot just go into a decline.” She paused, breathing heavily. “I know you hate me, but you can't keep being so weak.”

I felt anger rise in an uncontrollable wave inside me, and I put my hands on her shoulders and pulled her towards me so suddenly that her legs collided with the bed and she fell down onto her knees.

“Have you ever stopped to wonder why, though?” I said, hearing my voice rise precariously. “Have you ever connected all those dots? Have you found the common fucking variable yet? Because I have, and it's me. Me,” I screamed the word in her face, barely registering her flinch, not caring if the neighbours heard; not caring if anyone heard. “It was my fault, and I don't go into a fucking decline, I stay away so bad things won't happen anymore. I-” my voice cracked as tears rolled down my cheeks. “I am horrible and selfish and I hurt everyone.”

“I'm driving, sweetheart.”

“Nowwwwwww. Just one.”

I took a ragged breath, trying to suck the tears back inside me. “So yeah, I hate you, but don't worry because I hate myself much, much more.”