Only Fools Fall For You

Regret

(Jaebum)
I saw him today, his bright smile had long since vanished and his sweet laugh replaced with a audible groan. Id watched him till i could no longer see him, each step he took tore my heart into pieces. I was now sitting in my living room motionless, a statute of pure self hatred. I hadn't even noticed Jackson standing infront of me until he coughed " you okay?" I sighed "im perfectly fine" he hummed in response and plopped down beside me "wanna actually tell me whats wrong or continue to burn holes in your wall glaring at it" i scuffed "its really nothing" "yeah and im green, what the fuck is wrong?" sighing i leaned back and closed my eyes "i was him today, Jackson. I saw choi youngjae. He hasn't changed a bit." I heard him groan "you said you were over him" i laughed bitterly "and you said you were green"  he groaned even louder before yelling "cant you just move on?! Its been three years man. Get over him. Find someone else" i laughed "you don't just simply get over someone jackson, its my fault i lost him. I hurt him. I ruined everything." He shook his head before turning around and glaring "and after everything you've gone through you still cant accept the fact your gay. You still can't even tell jr, one of your closest friends. Your unbelievable. You want a lover, but refuse to treat anyone like one. Man up. Get over yourself. No one will bow down to you like your a god."  And with that he spun on his heels and walked off, slamming the door on the way out. He was right, i let my fear of rejection prevent me from being happy. I grabbed the closest thing to me and chucked it at the wall, it had been the remote.
"Come on jaebum. Just tell me what happened. Your bleeding and crying" sniffling i forced myself to meet his gaze, steady and full of worry. "Please don't hate me...Jackson, im gay. Have been for awhile and the kid i harasses and beat the shit out of was my boyfriend. I fucked up." Disappointment washed over his face "you made his life hell? While dating him? You thought id hate you? Jb im bi man." I clinched my fists "i know i made his life hell. I was selfish. I'm scared of rejection Jackson. It controls me and ruins my relationships." I heard him sigh "you should have just told me. Ill always be there for you. How long did you two date?" I mumbled "six months" he was silent for a moment "six whole months? You didn't even think to tell me did you? You made his life hell all because you were scared people would suddenly assume you were gay? You didnt start your shit with him until you started dating him. I can't believe this, jaebum what did you think was going to happen? He was just going to keep coming back to you? You humiliated him countless times, beat him, called him awful names, and your surprised he left?" I bit back more tears as i spat " no im not fucking surprised. I know im a monster. Im a coward. You don't have to tell me how awful i am believe me i already know. Im more sorry then you'll ever know. I cant control my fear Jackson i really can't. I just wanted to be happy, and instead i not only broke my heart but i destroyed youngjae." With a loud sigh he pulled me into a tight embrace "just let it all out, im sorry i snapped at you. I just dont understand how you could do all the things you did to him and still love him. How long did you plan to torment the poor kid?" I let out a shaky breath "i never planned to start."
I felt as if id been kicked in the chest, why did i always fuck everything up? Youngjae is over me because i threw his love away, Jackson is pissed because im still in love with youngjae while doing nothing about my fear of rejection. I felt tears form in my eyes as i leaned my head back, one day id be able to walk hand in hand with the person i love with out giving a fuck about what someome thinks. One day, not today or anytime soon. For now i will sit and wonder where it all went wrong, where something in me just stopped working making me the fuck up i am.