Only Fools Fall For You

Awake

(Jaebum)
Id been awake for over an hour, refusing to move from where i lay. Jackson's confession ran rapid in my brain, why? Why did he have to fall for am asshole like me? An abusive coward. Ive hid behind my fear for years, it controls the important aspects of my life, making all the big decisions, while i sit and watch as life unfolds before me. Never actually enjoying a moment of it. But things where different with youngjae, he was like a ray of sunlight shining through the darkness. Back then i was stupid, i didn't know what i had till reality set in and he walked away, away from the useless suffering, the awful pain, the monster. I am that monster. And yet again ill crush someone, not because i want to or because i dont care, but simply because im scared. I wont destroy jackson in the same way i did youngjae, itll be different. Ill avoid him, ignore his calls, pretend to be busy, all because i cant get close like that again. I cant hurt him. I wont hurt him. Mark was right.
"Hey asshole" groaning i turned around "what?" I growled out at a furious mark. "Leave him alone. He's naive. He actually believes you give a shit. Your worse than garbage. You know i blame myself. I let him have the early break that day, not because i was happy for him but because he was excited. When he told me you two were dating i though he was pulling my leg but the tears in his eyes and the look on his face told me other wise. I really hated myself for allowing a monster like you to be around him. You know what makes it worse, he hides the bruises and cuts, or he trys. Yesterday he didnt know i was coming over and had just taken a shower. He didn't have a shirt on and you know what i saw? Faint scars and dark blue and purple bruises. I was speechless. Absolutely speechless. He yelped when he saw me and quickly hid them saying "i tripped and fell. Im really clumsy". So i made myself a promise, the next time i see you near youngjae im going to beat the shit out of you. No questions asked." I laughed "you? Beat me up? Ill look forward to it. You do know he really is clumsy? He probably slipped in the shower." "You, son of a bitch! You know exactly how he got those! You did it, every single cut, scar, or bruise. Your a real monster." He saod through clinched teeth before spinning on his heels and walking away.
Walking away, something i wish id done. For awhile after youngjae left me i wondered how many scars id created. If I'd known how many i probably would have been sick. The more i think about it the more i deserved to have my ass kicked. Id tried to find mark after he left, to beg him to beat me black amd blue. But he avoided me, he was to busy protected youngjae from monsters like me. Sighing, i slowly sat up. Today I'd write youngjae a letter, id tell him everything. Once i found paper and a pen i sat down at my desk and began to write.
Dear youngjae,
How longs it beeen since we last spoke? Three years? I am sorry for the hell i put you through, i truly am. No apology will ever been enough but I've got to at least say it. I took advantage of your kindness, i made your life difficult, i hurt you. I did all of that and yet you never once fought back. I remember the disappointment written on your face the times youd confront me about coming out, the hurt everytime i spewed venomous words at you, the anger when you finally realized i was a monster controlled by fear, unable to love you the way you deserve. I know you didnt hate me but i wish you had. I hate me. Im not asking you to love me again nor am i asking for us to be friends again. But i am asking that you know just how sorry i truly am. If i could turn back time i would, i wouldn't walk into the café, i wouldn't ask for your number, i wouldn't hurt you. I'd walk away from it all of it meant youd never have to hurt like that. I think one of the saddest parts about this is i still haven't over come my fear. So im sorry. Sorry for beimg a coward, sorry for hurting you, sorry for lying, and most of all im sorrg for not being who i should have been. I hope your doing well and are happy.
Sincerely jaebum.
With a bitter smile i layed down my pen and leaned back in my chair. Its time i wake up and release its over. That chapter in my life is closed, and its time i move on.