"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories, I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: "he loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I de...
(Jaebum) Jackson came running into the room "yo, jaebum!" Sighing i looked up from the college essay that was due tomorrow. "What jackson?" He flashed me his dorky smile "i found an old year book from highschool, and i wanted to go back through it. So ive decided you have to go through it with me" guilt washed over me "jackson, i have this essay to finish maybe another time" thats not the reason i dont want to open that book. I cant bare to see his smiling face, the smiling face i loved so much. "Jaebum, you can take a small break." Sighing i slowly made my way toward him, please let me be able to handle this. " lets go through it and find our old photos." I nodded, relief washing over me, he wasnt on the same pages as me and jackson. "Hey look at this, isnt that...." I glanced down and noticed why hed suddenly stopped speaking. There he was, choi youngjae, the love of my life. "Jaebum, you dont still love him do you?" I laughed bitterly "of course not. Its been three years. I just still feel really fucking guilty. I never had the chance to apologize." Thats not true, every time i hit him i could have stopped and apologized. "Okay good if you did I'd be worried." You should be, i still love him even after i destroyed him. I felt like i was going to puke looking at his adorable smile. "Let's find our photos jackson...I really need to finish my essay" he nodded amd continued flipping pages and pointing to photos. I still had a fear of rejection, the same fear that had overpowered my love for him. Groaning i ran a hand through my hair "jackson? Can you go pick up some food? Im really hungry" i lied, i needed to be alone with my self hate "sure, ill be back in a few" i nodded. As soon as be was out of the house i hurried into my bedroom, i rummaged through my bedside table until i found the photo i was looking for. It was me and him, it was our first date.
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Slumping against my wall i let out the tears id held back for years. After he'd broken up with me id gotten my shit together and id tried to approach him but he ignored me. His best friend, mark even told me hed beat the shit out of me if i came anywhere near him again. I wish he had that day, i wish he'd beaten me like id beaten him. I can still hear his cry's and pleads for me to stop. I can still see the pained look on his face with every name i called him, the way his lips formed a frown and the betrayal the flashed in his eyes. Id been a coward, id been to scared of what other people would think to really appreciate what id had. Id waited till it was to late to cherish him, to really love him. Id thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me like it was nothing, like he was garbage. About a month after he dumped me, he and his friends transferred schools. It had been the last time id seen him. A few weeks ago id heard he was back in town. I couldnt bring myself to go to the coffee shop he worked at, i didn't deserve to see him. I didnt deserve his forgiveness, i deserved to be beat the way id beat him. But he wouldn't be that cruel, he forgive me with a warm smile and reassuring words. Groaning i buried my head into my arms, why couldnt i go back in time? Why couldn't i go back and tell him how much he really meant to me? How much i really loved him? How if i had been him i would have given up on me a long time ago, hed stayed with me for over six months. He'd willingly suffered through hell, hoping id get better. I wasnt sick, i was blinded by fear. And that fear had destroyed him and turned me into its prisoner. I was trapped in the past, held captive by my fear, and taunted by the future. Standing i slowly walked back to the living room and made myself comfortable on the couch. Not even two seconds later Jackson came in carrying food "jaebum, come eat" i wasnt hungry but i nodded before following him. I didnt deserve any kindness, i was a monster.
