Until Then

Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Quinn

My shift is almost over and my feet are killing me. I make my last visit to Joseph's room just before I'm about to leave. His father stays here during the night and then his mother comes in the morning just before his father has to leave for work. They've been working this schedule for about three months now and my heart breaks for them as a family.

"How are you doing Ross?" I ask Joseph's father as I check on each of the monitors flashing in the room.

"I'm doing okay." We both know that's code for barely keeping it together. This last month has been a hard one for them. After a very aggressive round of chemotherapy that left Joseph weak and miserable, the scans showed that the tumor had not shrunk. Unfortunately he has a very aggressive form of cancer and the doctors are out of treatments. Getting the news that pain management is the best the hospital can offer must have been excruciatingly painful.

"He was up and playing around for a little bit this afternoon when I first got here. Sherry had him walking the halls in his costume." Sherry is Joseph's mother and she told me yesterday that she was going to bring in his Halloween costume incase he didn't make it to October. The nurses and doctors were happy to set up a few stops along the hallway for an August Halloween.

"I heard that," he says with a smile. "She sent me some pictures." He looks at his son in the bed and leans forward to rest his hand on Joseph's small arm. "She tells me he must have been a fireman in a past life. He hero worships them." Ross chuckles softly. "She spent a ton on getting him that costume because it looked the most accurate."

"Money well spent. He was beaming. He was so proud." I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the small counter. "Maybe he does have that fireman spirit inside. He seems to know so much about the station and trucks."

"We used to take him to the one a few blocks away before he got sick. They even let him ride in the truck a few times. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes it helps to think this isn't the only time on earth he'll get." His eyes move up to mine and I nod my head. It's a beautiful thought and who knows, maybe he's right.

"Where would he be heading next?" I ask as I watch him stroking his arm.

"Anywhere but here." His smile is sad, but he actually sounds a little further along in his grieving process than he was only a few days ago. "Do you think it's possible? What do you believe?"

"I think anything is possible. I love reading stories about children who tell accurate stories about events that took place long before they were born. Maybe we do get to come back around again." The truth is no one knows what happens, so I'd never tell a parent they couldn't have hope for more.

"I had an aunt that everyone called crazy when I was growing up. She was always a bit odd, wore long necklaces with various mineral rocks attached. She'd light candles and always smelled like incense. She used to tell me we keep coming back until we learn everything we need to learn." He looks down to his hand and spins the silver wedding band around his finger.

"She sounds more cool than odd." I love eccentric people.

He laughs and nods his head in agreement. "When I first introduced her to Sherry she told me we had a long history together. I tried to tell her I'd only met her a few months ago at a college frat party, but she brushed that off and told me our history wasn't in this lifetime."

"What did she mean?"

"She said we had been together in past lives. I laughed at her then. I thought she was nuts, but now...now I want it to be true." His hand stopped stroking and he gathered Joseph's small hand in his own. "Now I want to believe he's lived a full life many times before this short one." His eyes meet mine again. "I need to believe that he'll live this unjust, short little life and move onto a better one. Maybe I'll even pass by a stranger one day and it will be him."

"Believe it then. Where's the evidence to say it can't happen?" I move my arms so that my hands are resting behind me on the counter.

"Where's the evidence that says it can?" He practically whispers the words and my heart breaks for him.

"Death is a big question mark. I guess no one has any evidence either way. But I can tell you as someone who watches it happen almost daily; there is something out there. There are just too many times that the experience of dying has been the same for so many different people, regardless of their religion or beliefs. You can ask the doctors that work with terminal patients and I bet most would agree that there's something—they might not know what, but closing our eyes for the last time here isn't the end of it all."

"Thank you," he says, returning his eyes to his son. "I don't know how much longer I can watch him like this."

"That's the ugly blessing inside this sad reality. Eventually it hurts more to watch them suffer than it would to grieve their loss." I push off the counter and head for the door. "Good night. Take care of each other."

Ross begins to pull his tie loose, finally relaxing after what I'm sure was a long, stressful day in the office. "We will. See you tomorrow."

I give a final wave and shut off the lights in the room as I leave. My guess is that Joseph won't make it to the end of this week. In a few days, my heart will ache and my stomach will jump and tighten as I approach this floor, knowing one day he might not be here when I show up for my shift. I wish they all would wait so that I could be here when they pass, but death is a bastard that never takes the living into consideration. 

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