Attention Seeker // Luke Hemmings au

Chapter One // Luke

When I was six, I wanted to be a lost boy and hang out with Peter Pan in Neverland where nobody could hurt me. 

When I was eight, I wanted to be a musician and change people's lives.

When I was ten, I wanted my parents to get back together so mom and I could go home and go back to the way things used to be.

I was twelve, I wanted friends and to feel less alone. 

When I was fourteen, I wanted to stop being so sad all the time because it was making people hate me.

When I was sixteen, I wanted to stop hating myself, atleast less than the other kids did.

Now, at age seventeen, I want to die. 

I'm not quite sure how I got to this point. I'm not sure what changed. I'm not sure of anything anymore. All I know is I really want is to disappear.

I'm just so sick of, well, everything. I hate having to hide everything from Ashton, Calum, and Michael. I hate myself for lying to them all the time, but I know I can't talk to them about this sort of thing. It wouldn't be right for me to trouble them with my lame problems.

 Deep breath, in and out. No matter how much I try, the oxygen doesn't seem to be circulating to my lungs. Instead, I'm left light-headed and dizzy. I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing this could all stop. I have a constant pain crushing my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe. 

Ding-dong.

No. They can't be here. I told them I couldn't make it to practice tonight. Why is there someone at the door? I planned everything perfectly. Mom is out having a girl's night, Ben and Jack are visiting Dad, and I have the house all to myself. 

"Luke?"

Ashton. I curse under my breath and rummage through the medicine cabinet for what I was looking for. It doesn't take me long to find the pill bottle. As I close the cabinet door, I hear the door open.

"Luke, it's Ashton. Where are you? I wanted to talk to you about something."

I don't respond, knowing I don't have long before he finds me. Instead, I carefully twist the cap off. The room seems to be shaking around me, or maybe it's just the nerves racking through my body. I pour the pills out carefully and swallow them one by one, trying to ignore Ashton's approaching footsteps.

 I'm hoping he decides I'm not home and leaves, but then I realize I've left all the lights on. Just a coincidence, I think. Just decide it's a coincidence. But then I remember that earlier when I said I couldn't go, I told them I was feeling "under the weather" and wasn't up to it so of course I'd be home resting. But if he thinks I'm sick, why is he here?

At first, it doesn't feel like it's done anything, so I turn on the faucet and cup my hands together. I swallow mouthful after mouthful of water. I can hear Ashton getting closer, so I reach over and click the lock on the door before looking for another bottle of pills in the cabinet.

"Luke, please. I really need to talk to you."

I'm reaching for another bottle of sleeping pills, but something in his voice makes me pause. There's a familiar desperateness in his voice, almost like he's on the edge. He's reaching out to me, I think vaguely. He needs my help.

But it's too late. The next thing I know, I'm swallowing another bottle of pills. My head's getting kind of hazy now, but I swallow half the bottle.

"Luke, please. I need your help."

He bangs on the door now, and I know I don't have much longer before I pass out, so I figure it's safe to open the door. It's too late for him to do anything anyway. When I open the door, my heart drops. Ashton has deep circles under his eyes, which are tinted red. He's paler than usual, but the worst part? He's not wearing his bracelets, and I see his cuts for the first time. 

There are fresh ones among the scars and the slightly healed ones, all scattered along his forearm. The fresh ones are so deep they scare me, and I'm not sure what to do. 

"I think I need to go to the hospital," he whispers, all the blood drained from his face. 

"Ashtonnn," I slur slightly, taking a ragged breath. I can see his eyes narrow, suspicious replacing the helpless look in his gaze. "W-What did you dooo?!" I can feel something wet on my face, and when I reach up to touch it, I'm even more confused. Tears? When did I start crying?

"What did you do? Are you high or something?" He pushes me aside, his eyes darting around the room. I'm not quite sure what he sees because I'm getting black spots in my vision. I'm too numb to feel the fear that's coursing through my veins. "No. No, no, no. Luke, you didn't." 

I lazily use the back of my hand to wipe off some of the tears running down my face and look back at Ashton, but he's so blurry I'm not even sure it's him. I open my mouth to speak, but my throat is so dry and scratchy it's hard to get anything out. 

Finally, I manage to say, "I'm sorry, Ashton... For not being there for you when you needed me." He's disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me. Everyone will be when they find out what happened, but I tell myself I don't care. I just want out. 

The last thing I see is the floor rushing towards me.