Attention Seeker // Luke Hemmings au

Chapter Nineteen // Luke

Calum and I are in the midst of composing when Michael approaches, concern written all over his face.

"Hey, Mikey. What's up?" Calum pops a piece of pepperoni in his mouth and doesn't even look up.

"I think something happened with Diana and Ashton just now?" He bites his lip, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "She followed him and Haruhi upstairs and she hasn't come down yet."

"Okay." I try not to act like I'm not worried, but of course I am. The two of them together? Something must have blown up or ignited or God knows what. I set down my guitar and pull myself to my feet. "I'll go see what happened." 

My heart is beating a million miles a minute as I make my way up the steps and out the door. I'm expecting debris and blood and broken glass, but to my surprise, Diana is just sitting on the porch steps. She looks so beautiful, sitting all by herself. It almost feels like I'm intruding on something. When I sit down next to her, I can see the streetlights reflect in her eyes. 

"So, wanna talk about it?" I follow her gaze up to the sky. It's a clear night, giving us a nice view of the night sky. 

"Not really," she says without sparing me a glance. I almost don't notice the way her right hand holds the edge of the step she sits on until her knuckles turn white, but her face is overall emotionless. I wish I could read her better. I know if I was more familiar with her, I would be able to pick out all of the little details that hint to her mood. But I can't tell. 

"That's okay. I mean, we can just sit here. You can stare up at the sky and I'll sit here until either of our curfews pass and then we can go our separate ways and--"

"Hey, no offense, but shut up." She lightly pushes my shoulder and when she brushes her hair out of her eyes, I see how tired she looks. Usually, she looks as if she doesn't have a care in the world, as if nothing bad has ever happened in her entire life. Of course, I know better. Then again, it isn't something I wouldn't have ever picked up on without prior knowledge. After all, the ice queen has quite the exterior. 

One of the things I've really noticed about Diana since we've become friends is that behind her facade, she is actually very kind. She's always concerned about other people to the point of lying awake at night in worry. I know she'd never admit it, but she's really thoughtful. There's always something going on in that pretty little head of hers. She's just insanely good at hiding it.

Or maybe I'm overestimating her. It's definitely a possibility that I'm putting a lot of pressure on some random 17 year-old girl to meet my high expectations of how people should act, what they should be. I know that. Not all girls have vivid and dazzling personalities and exceptional intellects. It's unfair of me to hold her to such impossible standards. But when I look into her eyes, so aware, so calculating... I know there's so much more to her. 

I know she says she doesn't want to talk, but I wonder if maybe she's just saying that so I'll ask her more. Calum told me girls do that once. 

"Diana--"

"Oh my God. What do you want me to say, Luke?" She unscrews the cap of the water bottle and takes a long drink. 

The truth is, I don't know. I just want her to feel like she can talk to me, I guess. Because things have been hard for her in the past and I know she doesn't really have many people to turn to. 

"It's like a nightmare and I can't wake up because this is my life now. I lost my best friend. The one person who made me feel like I wasn't an absolute bitch is gone now." She stares down at the red lipstick mark left on the bottle, and I've never seen her eyes look so empty. 

I don't know what to say. The path we're going down seems to be a dark one, but I don't know how to turn it around. 

"You think I don't know that everyone hates me ? You think I don't know that your friends think I'm the definition of 'white girl problems?' I keep trying so, so hard to change, to become a better person. But I don't know how and I don't know why I don't know anything but that's just it, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know."

I take a second to really consider everything she's said, and maybe she mistakes it for me being speechless because she continues.

"It's like I'm screaming constantly and no one can hear. I'm surrounded by people who hate me but are too fake to admit it. I'm drowning and I can see everyone around me breathing. I know everyone hates me. It's not hard to see. But what am I supposed to do-- cut them off? I can't cut off the whole school. I know that everyone thinks I'm fake. But how do I become genuine? How do I change myself to fit what they want me to be? And wouldn't changing myself to fit their needs be faker than anything?" 

She tangles her hands in her hair, and she looks... haunted. 

I take a deep breath, weighing her words. I want to help her. I want to show her that she is not alone. I want to make her happy. But after a few moments of silence, I realize I'm not sure how.

"Hey, um, let me drive you home." I put my hand on her shoulder to gather her attention. 

She looks at me then. It's the first time she's looked at me since I've come outside. It's awful, but I can't help but think she looks striking even when she's mid-breakdown. By her expression, this is either going to go two ways. She's balanced on the edge and neither of us seem to know which way she's going to go. 

She takes a deep breath. "Yeah, okay." And then she smiles.

I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding. It's over. For tonight, we've won.