Love Sick : The After Story

For him, I'm Yuri

[Noh's Point Of View]

 After Pang's unexpected visit, the time started to slow down again as I was consumed by doubt and uncertainty. If I said that the hours were long before then, after that day the hours became an agonizing eternity. I became a useless piece of shit. Excuse my language, but it's the truth. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than my own thoughts. Mr Siro even gave me the day off because he saw that I wasn't being useful with my mind somewhere else. I have never felt as conflicted as I felt back then. I could either learn to live without Phun or have some guts and fight for him. There were only two options and yet, it was so hard to choose one. 

Okay, I did know what I wanted. What I wanted was to go back to Phun without a doubt. But if I went back, was I going to be able to withstand whatever obstacle that were to head our way? That question tormented me day and night. I knew better to know that we weren't a normal couple. Actually, we were far from being "normal". We were what many called an "abomination". Something that shouldn't be and something was morally unacceptable. I've never been religious but I knew well enough that what we had was wrong and against the laws of god. If he really existed, we were going to be punished one day. And although that didn't really matter to me as I am a person that lives in the present, I worried that other human beings would try to hurt us. I knew that though many would accept us, there would always be those who would be against us and choosing this path would only bind me to their judgement. I also knew that if I went back to him, there would be no turning back. If I went back to him, it would be to establish our relationship once and for all. Was I really ready to take that step? I didn't know back then.

The days passed and Sunday arrived but I still had no idea of what to do. I remember waking up that day feeling more anxious than ever. I couldn't stop pacing back and forth throughout the house. My breathing was unsteady and my heart was beating uncontrollably. It looked as if I was hyperventilating and about to have a heart attack. And it seems it was contagious as my mother even left the house. She said that she had an "errand" to do but I knew that she just couldn't stand seeing me like that. Should I stay or should I go? I was going out of my mind, unable to make a decision. I was dying to go back to Phun but I was way too scared. I was way too scared to lose Phun but at the same time, I was way too scared to face the future beside him. The hours passed and I still had no answer to the turmoil that was going on inside of me.

I remember seeing the clock hands point at 5 and finally stopping in the middle of the living room. It was already too late to make a decision. The wedding was possibly about to start and I didn't even know its location. Once I realized that it was too late, it felt as if the world crushed. "Damn it!" I cursed loudly as I punched the wall over and over again until my knuckles hurt. Tears rolled down my cheeks like a cascade as I felt so hopeless. It felt as if I was getting sucked by a black hole from where I wouldn't be able to come out. Because that was exactly what my life without Phun was. A black hole where every hour that went by drove you insane as it lacked color and sound. But perhaps, his life without me was brighter, or at least, less complicated. After half an hour crying, I finally dropped my shoulders and let out a sigh of defeat. It was already too late, I had lost him. All that was left to do was to wish him a good life and turn around. 

Taking a step towards the kitchen, I decided that I was going to forget about it with food. (See? Food was my best friend!) Opening the freezer, I took out the box of strawberry ice cream (that belonged to my father), and began stuffing myself as I cried some more. Pathetic, isn't it? I even think so when I reminisce those memories. My eyes were swollen and my whole face was red like a tomato. My hair was greasy as I hadn't taken a shower in days and my clothes smelled of dirty laundry. I was a complete mess and I didn't even feel embarrassed. No one would see me, anyways. Or that's what I thought.