In a Perfect World

Prologue

Prologue: Eleven Months Ago

            “Britt, ohmygod.  Please come over here.”  My best friend, Ella, was standing over the counter in my bathroom with a look of shock.  I couldn’t tell whether she was scared or excited so I just stood frozen in place.  Her hand was covering her mouth in shock when she dragged me into my bathroom.  I wanted to look down at what had caused her shock, but all I could focus on was the shaken expression in my best friend's grey eyes.  “Brittany, please just look at it,” she urged, running her hand through her dirty blonde hair. 

            But I couldn't.  I just stood still, afraid of what was waiting for me on the counter.  “I don’t think I can,” I told her.  There was no will in my body to make a simple movement.  All I had to do was lower my head and look down; it was a simple action that I have always been able to do. 

            “You have to,” she said solemnly. She shook my arm, trying to break me from the fear that filled my body and after a minute a surge of courage shot through me. 

            But with one last look into her suddenly teary eyes, I knew my fate, and I looked down at the positive pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew in the back of my mind.  I felt a tear roll down my check as I reached down for the test.  “No, this can’t be true," I denied, snapping the test in half and storming into my room with Ella behind me.

            “Brittany, I’m so sorry,” Ella said, pulling me in for a hug.  She was shaking pretty violently and her fear was radiating to me.  The courage I felt seconds earlier faded back to fear.  Fear was all I felt, but still I couldn't come to terms with the broken pregnancy test in my fist.

            “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” I told her, wrapping my arms around her.  “I’m not pregnant.  There’s no possible way that I could be.”  But from the moment I said it, the scary truth I didn't want to believe was slowly worming its way deep into my mind.

            “Britt, you’re pregnant.  You said you thought you were, that’s why you took the test,” she said, pulling away from me and looking me straight in the eyes.  “The test says you’re pregnant.”

            “I know,” I replied, trying not to cry.  “I just don’t want to believe it.  I mean how could I possibly be pregnant?” I threw the broken test into the trash before crumbling to the floor in tears.  It had finally hit me, deep.  The future I saw at that very moment was different from any other future I had ever pictured for myself.  I no longer saw myself as the successful woman I planned to be, all I saw was a mother and child still living at home ten years later; it wasn't the future I wanted and I had messed everything up. 

            “Brittany, I’m so sorry,” she repeated, obviously lost for words.  She sat down next to me and folded my shaking body into hers.  She stroked my hair, trying to comfort me, but with every second that passed I was crying more and more. 

            Everything I worked for up to this day was gone.  My once crystal clear and perfect future was gone.  I wasn't going to have the perfectly happy family I dreamed of; I was going to be the pathetic teen mother who never made anything with her life.  My bright future wasn't just dimmed by a small block in the road, but rather it was darkened.  My future was gone. 

            We sat together, me in her arms, until my tears subsided an eternity later and I could talk without being too choked up by my tears.  “What am I going to do?” I croaked, staring at the trash can I had thrown the pregnancy test in. 

            “I don’t know, but you have to tell your parents so they can take you to the doctor’s and make sure,” Ella answered.  “And you have to tell Damien too.”

            Damien.  What was I going to do with Damien.  He was the father of the baby I was now carrying, but how was he going to react?  “I know, I will.  I just, I can’t believe this.”  If I couldn't come to terms with the baby I was going to have in nine months, how was Damien going to?

            “Neither can I, and of all people, I can’t believe you would get pregnant in high school.”

            “I didn’t think I would either, but Ella, you have to promise not to tell anyone, ever,” I said gravely, looking straight at her.  I didn't want anyone to know that I was pregnant.  The judgment would be deafening and I just could not take it. 

            “I promise I won’t, but don’t you think people are going to realize that you are pregnant?”

            “I don’t even know if I’m going to keep the baby.  I mean, I can’t.  I’m fifteen, I mean sixteen, years old," I told her, folding my legs into my chest.  My impending doom was becoming more and more obvious and I didn't like it.  I needed my life in a perfect little box and being pregnant just tipped the box over and dumped everything out; putting things back together would be impossible.  "I have my entire future ahead of me, I can’t have a baby.” 

            “I know, but you want to have an abortion?" she asked, her voice cracking.  "I know you way too well.  You could never go through with it.”

            “I have to,” I stated, staring at the wall in front of me as my tears started flowing again.  “I just can’t have a baby.”  I needed to do whatever I could to convince myself that an abortion was the best choice.  I needed my life to be perfect.  I didn't know how a baby would fit into my life and I wasn't going to take the chance.

            “I’m so sorry,” Ella repeated again.

            “Why did we have to do this today?” I moaned to myself.  There were so many other days in this week, month, year, but I had to choose this day. 

            “Because you threw up today when we got to school and when I asked you what was wrong, all you could say was that you thought you were pregnant.”

            “Yes, but we could have waited until tomorrow or something,” I said stubbornly, resting my chin on my knee.  I could feel myself numbing away; the fear was gone and as was the sadness.  I couldn't push away the cold, hard truth anymore, but I could not accept the dark abyss that had just become my life. 

            “But then you would have been thinking about it all the time and I didn’t want you to and neither did you,” she reasoned, resting her hand on my knee.

            “Well I guess we got our answer, today has been such a great day,” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

            “I’m sorry,” Ella repeated yet again with a blank stare.

            “Please stop apologizing," I snapped at her before softening up.  It wasn't her fault she had nothing else to say.  "You have nothing to apologize for.”

            “Okay, sorry.  I mean wait. I’ll just stop.”  She pulled me in for a hug before getting up.  “I have to get going, but I promise I won’t tell.”

            “Thanks, I would walk you out, but I don’t want to move,” I told her from the floor.  I couldn't move a single part of my body.  I was stuck, literally and metaphorically, and there was nothing I could do.

            “It’s fine I know my way out.”  She walked to my doorway before turning back to me.  “Happy birthday again.”

            “Thanks,” I said, turning to face her.  “One hell of a birthday.”