embrace the tornado

and

sometimes early in the morning some mysterious force wrenches my eyelids open and my heart flings itself against my ribcage and i think i'm dying and then i shift my weight and roll over and i see you there next to me so peacefully and oh my god i'm definitely dying because i just can't quite get my head on straight when i look at you and i study your face so hard because i never want to look back on these mornings and hate myself for taking them for granted and i watch the silent thump of your pulse rising and falling like a beautiful crescendo in the nook of your collarbone and oh my god you're so alive and i don't deserve this at all and oh my god i think i'm falling in love and part of me wants to brush my hand against your cheek and watch your eyelids flutter open but part of me wants to peel myself out from underneath the covers and run away as fast as i can

and i don't deserve this i should just leave you alone oh my god i keep forgetting to breathe i'm definitely dying how can you just lay there asleep like that when it feels like shards of the sky keep crashing down on my head and piercing my skull you look so vulnerable with your legs tangled innocently in your sheets and without your narrow emerald eyes glaring at the world and i just can't help myself i can't i can't resist leaning over softly and pressing my lips to your forehead gentler than i could have ever imagined myself with any other human being and because oh my god i am a disaster area of sharp edges and bones that don't fit together and knotted hair and tired eyes i need to be sectioned off with caution tape

but i look at you and my edges seem softer and my bones seem to fit a little smoother and you reach a sleepy hand out to caress my hair and i can feel something ignite in my eyes and nobody else does that to me i think we're just two lonely souls that happened to collide on a balmy june day and then i realized your shadow was dragging around just as much sorrow as mine was and i wanted to try and save you at first i really did but i think it's killing me because i can see my ribs again and feel the tremors all the way down to my fingertips and i still can't breathe right but i love you anyways but i think you're killing me but i think i'm finally happy and secretly i hope you are too but i think you're better off without me and i don't deserve this at all oh my god why am i doing this to you while i'm sitting over here dying i have the potential to shatter you beyond recognition i am the worst kind of human being i think i messed up real bad making you fall in love with me i really did