Defining Love

Chapter 3 - Part 3

To my relief the only thing strange about the next day was that Edi had gotten up to leave for practice earlier than I had expected her to. Before I'd woken. I shrugged away the worrisome thoughts that already she'd begun to avoid me. When she got home late that night, I'd been even more alarmed when I could tell she'd been crying.

In all the years I'd known Edi, I'd never seen her cry.

It terrified me. But she explained she'd just had a hard day at practice and the coach had been especially tough on the team, coming down extra hard on her toward the end and it got to her. While I was furious with her coach, I was beyond relieved to hear it had nothing to do with our talk the night before.

As the weeks passed, my concern about our relationship went up and down. She was spending a whole lot of time around her teammate friends. A lot more time with Astrid and less with me. It spiked my paranoia. But when she was around me, it didn't feel awkward or strange, so I told myself that was a good thing. Then, finally, when the team took the state championship, she actually invited me to go out with her and her friends to celebrate.

I took it as progress. This was the first time I'd been invited into her world, and I suddenly knew why she'd never brought me around before. She and Astrid were undeniably closer than what I had feared. I felt invisible the whole night. I tried to be cool, but by the time we got back to our apartment, I felt ready to explode.

"So, is she your best friend now?"

Edi, who'd been on her way into the kitchen, stopped in her tracks and turned to me. "What?"

"I can see why you never invited me to these gatherings before. With Astrid around, why would you need me there?" My lips quivered, and I felt like the pathetic weak ass bestie I never wanted to be, the side of me I'd never wanted her to see because I knew the moment she did she'd leave me too, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. "Am I being replaced?"

Edi stared at me for a moment without saying anything, and then, to my utter surprise, she rolled her eyes and kept walking to the fridge. "Replace you? Don't I wish."

My heart sunk, and the knot in my throat gave way. "You want to replace me?" I asked, my voice going high pitched. Edi spun around from the fridge when she heard my broken words. "Why?" I asked as she rushed to me.

As soon as she reached me, she took my face in her hands and spoke close to my face. "Because I need to."

I shook my head, not understanding. This was my worst nightmare. "Why?"

"Because you're straight and—"

"So what!" I retorted loudly, the fear and anger strangling me at the same time. "Why does that matter?"

"Because I'm in love you, Henri," she said, stunning me silent. "I always have been. I wish to God I could replace you and move on. But, so far, I haven't been able to. No one even comes close."

I stared at her, breathing hard. A part of me was enormously relieved and another even more scared now. "Kiss me," I whispered without thinking, staring at her lips.

"No," she said immediately, but she didn't move away or take her hands off my face.

She took a few steps forward, and I took them backwards until she had me up against the wall, but she didn't kiss me. "Why?" I asked.

"Because I can't, Henri. As much as I want to"—she took a deep breath closing her eyes—"I shouldn't."

"I want you to. I love you too."