Defining Love

Chapter 4 - Part 2

New Year's Day after Beatriz's mom dropped me off at home, I called Daphne to ask how the party had gone, and she told me all about it, only Edi had never showed up. Neither had Delena her clingy high school teammate. Edi had since admitted Delena was one of the only people she'd come out to in high school because Delena was also gay. She'd actually been Edi's first experience, and they were both invited last night but had been no shows. It was a bothersome revelation to say the least, but strangely I wasn't beside myself as I thought I might be.

Despite my mind wandering back to my conversation with Aaron again and again that day, I left a few pathetic voicemails for Edi I later wished I could take back. She'd be home in a few days, and I knew it'd be rough, but I was determined to do one thing, especially after hearing her cry and knowing the only other time I'd seen her cry since I'd met her was also because of me. I was now determined to prove how much I loved her. Even if it wasn't in the same way she loved me, it should still count for something.

The morning she was supposed to arrive home, she didn't. I started to worry that she decided to stay home longer and then later that maybe something had happened to her. I talked to her parents early that evening, and they said she'd left that morning and even called to tell them she'd made it here just fine that afternoon.

I had an idea where she might be. Now that Edi was out and admitted that so was Astrid, I felt even more threatened by Astrid. I wondered if she might spend the night with her. The very thought made me sick with worry. What if she started spending lots of nights with her until . . .?

I'd been so worried I didn't realize I hadn't eaten a thing until around one that afternoon when I had one of my usual dizzy spells: another infuriating reminder of the crap genes I'd inherited. As if it weren't bad enough that I'd been cursed with fucked mental stability, a vision of my mother needing to hold on to something after a violent dizzy spell flashed in my head. She always said it was because she hadn't eaten. Of course, I'd been cursed with the same damn physical weakness. For as long as I could remember, if I went too long without eating, my stupid body responded angrily by making my head feel as if it were spinning.

By nine that evening, I was a mess. I'd been lying in my chair bed in the front room since eight. When Edi had left for holiday break, she told me to feel free and sleep in her bed while she was gone. I did at first, loving the smell of her on her sheets and pillows. But ever since the day she'd hung up on me, I'd stopped sleeping in her bed, too consumed with guilt to lie there taking in the scent of her anymore. I hated myself for having made big strong Edi cry—again.

I'd almost dozed off when something woke me. The door to the apartment closed, and I heard footsteps near Edi's room. Then I heard voices: Edi and another girl talking.

"Stay with me, please," I heard Edi say in a lowered voice.

I sat up and listened to my heart pounding as what was happening became clearer. Edi was in her room with a girl. I heard someone make a shushing sound then giggling.

Something came over me. A rush of adrenaline mixed with terror all but consumed me, and I jumped out of bed. It was happening already. I charged to her room on a mission. The door was open and Edi and Astrid were standing next to her bed, Astrid's hands on Edi's face and Edi's arms around her waist. Astrid leaned in and rested her forehead against Edi's. I felt the air sucked out of me, and it was all I could do to not scream. I charged at her, swinging palms open.

"Get away from her!" I screeched as Edi turned around, startled.

I managed to land one open hand across Astrid's face before Edi grabbed me by the waist and held me as I kicked, screamed, and tried in vain to swat at Astrid. "I want her out!" I screamed, still kicking and trying to get out of Edi's death grip.

Astrid held her hand to her face where I'd landed my one hit and backed out of the room.

"I told you she'd be nothing but drama, Edi. Don't do this," she said. "She's just gonna keep hurting you."

"Fuck you!" I yelled, incensed. "You don't know anything about me!"

"Oh, I know all about you," she said with a glare.

The more she spoke, the more the terror outweighed the rage I was feeling. This was really happening. Edi was replacing me. "Out! I want you out of here!" I screeched still fighting Edi's hold on me, and then she brought me down to the bed lying on me and holding down my hands.

"Thanks for the ride, Astrid," Edi said, staring at me. "I'll call you later."

Astrid stood there for a moment without saying anything or moving. "Get out!" I yelled, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest, and I was beginning to have a hard time catching my breath.

For a fleeting instant, I was hit with the visual of my drugged-up mom staggering into my bedroom late at night with a man just as equally drugged up. As instantly as I was hit with the visual, it was gone and I shook my head.

The moment Astrid left I turned on Edi, squirming hysterically. "How dare you!" I cried. "How dare you bring her here and ask her to stay with you. I heard you!"

She held me down so I couldn't move at all, but it was only when I saw her eyes were red and swimming in tears again that my squirming ceased. "You brought him here," she said through her teeth.

"I'm sorry!" I said, sobbing now. "I'm so sorry! But I swear to you we did nothing. We just decorated and hung out. I didn't even think of it that way, but never again. The last thing I'd ever wanna do is hurt you!"

She squeezed her eyes shut, her brows pinching. "You don't know what that did to me," she said, bringing her face down and burying it in my neck. She let my hands go, and I hugged her and kissed her, feeling her breathe in deeply. "This is exactly why—"

"No!" I said, aware of how desperate I sounded. "I'm so sorry, Edi. I swear I just didn't think things through. I'm so, so sorry," I kept saying as I kissed her over and over. Astrid's words burned through me. "I'll never hurt you again. Ever. I promise."

I still wasn't sure if I was ready to do this with her. Come out to the world that I was gay or at the very least an incredibly confused bi, but all I knew was I never again wanted to feel what I felt knowing I'd hurt Edi so profoundly.

She pulled her face away from my neck and looked in my eyes. "I'm so scared," she said.

"Don't be," I said, kissing her lips, knowing exactly what she meant because I was beyond scared. I was terrified. "Don't be," I repeated, trying to convince myself as well. "I love you."

If I knew anything for certain at that moment, it was that love was supposed to conquer all, right? I loved Edi and she loved me. Maybe not in the exact same way, but we could do this. As terrified as I was about what was happening—what I was about to get myself into—I was more terrified about someone like Astrid coming into our lives and tearing us apart. I knew I'd never be able to handle losing Edi. Ever.

She kissed me deeply, and that's all we did that night—kissed and told each other over and over how much we loved one another. There was passion, but more than anything, there was love. I'd since done more research on the complexities of lesbian relationships, and I knew it wasn't unheard of for a straight woman to fall for a gay woman, and that's exactly what had happened. I did love Edi and wanted nothing more than to keep her in my life no matter what it took.

We made promises that night. No more Cole. No more Astrid. I didn't want her even speaking to Astrid. By the time we passed out in each other's arms, we were completely drained emotionally, but it was settled. We were no longer just besties. We were each other's girlfriends—partners.

I assured her I was ready and absolutely for it, even though deep inside I felt anything but. Yet nothing, nothing felt worth going through the fear I'd gone through those days before she got back. Days and sleepless nights where I wondered what was going to happen when she got back. Was our friendship over? I'd wanted this all along anyway, right? To know no one would be replacing me in Edi's life and that she'd never leave me. I could definitely be happy in this new arrangement.