Defining Love

Chapter 5

Henri

Things were perfect for the first few weeks after our dramatic reunion when Edi got back from her Christmas-break trip back home. I wasn't sure how this all was going to work. But Edi knew how very new this all was to me and was extremely sweet and beyond patient with me.

I'd since ended things with Cole. Fortunately, he called when I was at work, and I didn't need to have that conversation in front of Edi. I felt a little guilty that I didn't tell him everything: that I was now with my female roommate in a lesbian relationship. But he hadn't asked, and I told myself that, regardless of who I was with now, he was probably grateful I spared him the details.

Edi's farewell conversation with Astrid was a little different. It was one she'd had in front of me and a bit difficult to listen to. Edi and I had been lying in bed still, a week after my hysterical confrontation with Astrid, when the phone rang. Edi picked it up, holding it in the air as I lay next to her. I looked up and saw Astrid's name on the screen, immediately going stiff when I saw the hearts before and after her name. She let it ring twice before sitting up and answering it. I lay back on my pillow and listened.

"Hello?" She was quiet for a moment. "No. Everything is good actually. Yes, I am."

I clutched the sheet around my neck, trying to make out what Astrid was saying to her but couldn't.

"I know, Astrid, but it's one I'm gonna take," Edi said, smiling softly at me.

I swallowed hard, knowing Astrid was likely warning her once again of the very thing I was still afraid of: in the long run this wouldn't work and she'd end up hurt again.

"I know," Edi said. "But I can't help the way I feel. We have an understanding now, and we're gonna do this." She laughed softly. "Yeah, that's not gonna work anymore."

I stared at her, and she caressed my face as she nodded and continued talking to Astrid. "I know that and I appreciate it. You're a good friend. Take care."

She hung up, set the phone aside, and wrapped her arms around me, pecking me. "That was our goodbye, okay? She knows I can't have her in my life anymore."

My heart pounded but not because it was swelling with happiness as I knew it should be. The reality of this was really beginning to set in. Edi had just gotten rid of her go-to friend, the one she ran to when I hurt her. A friend I was certain was probably secretly in love with Edi too.

I was hit with a sudden feeling of enormous pressure. Edi was taking a huge risk on us—on me. I wanted to believe in us as much as she apparently did, but there was still that nagging feeling in the back of my head.

This wasn't who I really was. A fact I knew, no matter how long I was with Edi, wouldn't be changing.

School started again, and I still hadn't told Eileen or Maggie and had no plans of telling them. I reasoned that my private life was just that. They knew Edi and I lived together, but they didn't have to know more. I knew that contradicted Edi's beliefs about keeping things on the down low, so I distanced myself from Eileen and Maggie.

Edi no longer had practice, but she had gotten an internship at a local hospital. We both stayed busy. A few weeks after we'd been back in school, Eileen called, saying she and Maggie were close by and asked if they could stop by. I knew Edi would be at her internship for a few more hours, and I hadn't hung with any of my friends since winter break. I did miss them, so I quickly agreed.

From day one Edi and I had photos of not just us but all the girls in high school on the walls and front room tables. There were two new ones now in the front room: one of her and me wrapped in each other's arms on the sofa and another of us kissing as she held up the phone and took the photo. It was the same one she had on her phone screensaver. My phone screensaver was a photo of us too, but not kissing. We were smiling big, face-to-face, and it could easily pass as a bestie photo like the many we'd taken before I even knew she was gay.