Save Me

Training

Tobin's POV

I woke up in my bed after falling sleep in Alex's arms. I guess she must have carried me into bed after the movie. Today is our first day of pre season. Our games start in about a week. I rolled out of bed carefully, feeling the soreness in my ribs and back. I groaned and grabbed my phone to check the time. It was 4 in the morning, and I don't have training until 8am.

I changed into some adidas boxers and sweatpants, slowly sliding on a sports bra and flinching as it tugged on the bandages covering my back. I glanced up to look in the mirror. I could see the scars running up and down my arms. I slowly ran my fingers across them, feeling the white raised lines all over my arms. I glance down to my stomach and see all of the bandages, but I know what I did underneath them, before I got beat to shit. With cloudy eyes I force myself to look away from the mirror.

Next I grab a random soccer shirt and training hoodie, throwing it on as I quietly leave my room and enter the living room and kitchen area.

I don't want to wake up Alex, so I just sit down on the couch, staring out the window into the darkness of the early morning.

It hurts so much. I feel like I'm just a robot going through my day. I can't let Alex know how broken I am. I can't let anyone know. It I could keep the secret of my dad for 19 years, I can sure as hell not let anyone find out about how I really feel inside.

I didn't even realize I was crying, until wet droplet started to drip off my face, onto my lap. I was completely silent as I sat there and cried, staring out the window.

At about 6:30 am I heard Alex moving around in her room. I quickly wiped my face off and scurried back into my room.

We had to leave for the field in about an hour, so I started to pack my soccer bag, putting all my gear and water in the red duffle.

"Tobin?" Alex called.

I walked out of my room meeting her. We left for the field and arrived in about 10 minutes.

The practice was filled with conditioning and intense drills. I couldn't even walk after I was in so much pain. My back ached, the lashes split open and bleeding through the bandages.

I groaned in pain as I slowly made my way back to the change room to get ready to head back to our dorm.

"Hey Tobs? You ok?" Alex asked looking worried.

"Yah, just sore" I said through gritted teeth.

"Everyone else left, why are you still in your training gear?" She asked gently as she placed a hand tenderly on my shoulder. I winced and she quickly pulled her hand back with worried eyes.

"Tobin... let me see" Alex stated.

"Lex it's really fine. I'll be ok, I promise" I pleaded.

"If your ok, the let me see" she pushed.

I sighed knowing she wouldn't give up. I tried to pull my training shirt off but Alex gently grabbed my arms.

"Tobin I know your in pain, I was watching you in practice. Let me help ok?" She whispered.

I nodded and let her hands travel to the bottom of my shirt. The slowly grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up over my head, her finger tips grazing my stomach. I shivered. Once it was off, she helped me to my feet and guided me to the medical table in the middle of the change room.

"Tobin, your cuts bled through all the bandages. You can't keep practicing like this, your going to hurt yourself more" she said while carefully peeling the bloody bandages off my back and then stomach.

"Alex, I'll be ok. I'm used to it" I said while forcing a small smile at her.

"You shouldn't be" she said in a cracking voice. "Come on Tobin, let's get you back home and then we can put some fresh bandages on" she smiled weakly at me, before helping me off the table and then slipping a shirt on me that was actually hers.

"Ok, thank" I mumbled.

Once we got back to our dorms, I dropped all my gear and went strait to the bathroom turning on the water as hot as I could handle. My lashes burned like hell, but I kept still in the shower. I spent about half an hour standing in the steamy shower, trying to wash all my pain away.

I stepped out wrapping a towel tightly around my torso. I stood in front of the mirror, hating what I saw. The bruises had now turned an ugly shade of yellowish purple. I leaned in close to the mirror, looking myself strait in the eyes. All I saw was the emptiness that filled me.

There it was again. The absence of any feeling at all. I want to feel something. Anything. I knew what I wanted to do next. I knew I shouldn't, but I need to.

I turned the tap on, blocking the sound out from anyone on the other side of the door. Digging through the drawer, I found my razor blade. Running my finger along the blade, it drew a small amount of blood.

I did good this time, I only made a couple cuts. Just a few on my stomach, so Alex wouldn't notice. It's the first time I could stop myself before it got really bad. I guess that's better right?

Cleaning up my mess, I make my towel cover my whole body now as I walk out of the bathroom, heading into my room. I see Alex asleep on the couch with the TV on as I walk to my room. I smile as I pass her admiring her cute sleeping face.

Once changed, I slip into bed. I couldn't fall sleep though, like usual. I grab my headphone and blast some music. A playlist of sad songs. Eventually I fall sleep, to the though of Alex.