Timing is Everything

Chapter Eighteen

                                          Chapter Eighteen

After hearing Jamison's voice on the other end of the line, I think I relaxed for the first time since yesterday evening. He sounded tired. But it was Jamison. My Jamison. Witnessing him walk out of Meredith's house left me shocked. I had no idea how to react. I didn't even have time to react.

I left Meredith and Hudson to run after Jamison. By the time I got into my car and started the engine, he was long gone. I drove around for what felt like hours looking for him. I called and texted his cell phone all night. Every horrible scenario ran through my mind as the hours ticked on.

I tried my very best not to think of all the worst possible things. Yet I couldn't help it. They just popped into my mind involuntarily. He could have been hurt or with another girl. He could have been drunk or passed out somewhere that wasn't safe.

When I finally made it back to my apartment I stayed in bed. I just stared at the ceiling while tears ran down my face. The fear and the hurt was too much for me to handle. How is it that I can want somebody so much? How is it that I can care for somebody so much that it practically hurts? When did Jamison become so important to me? And am I even that important to him?

I'm starting to believe that everything isn't going to last. I'm just a distraction; something being used to forget. I wipe my newly fallen tears and put my car into park. I look up at the sky and squint my eyes. The sun is trying to peek through the clouds. The dark gray, angry clouds aren't letting it slip through. It's funny how the weather sometimes looks exactly how I feel.

Before I know it, I'm standing in front of Jamison's front door. I lightly knock. I'm far too weak right now to pound on his door like I want to. I just need to know that he's okay.

The door opens. Standing in front of me is Jamison. But he doesn't look okay. His eyes are red and dull and glassy. He looks tired and sick. He's probably sleep deprived. We don't say a single word to one another. I just wrap my arms around him tightly. I don't want him to disappear. I don't want him to leave me.

I let go and enter his condo. He shuts the door after me then he faces me. His expression is unreadable. Typical Jamison. Suddenly all I feel is anger. Why didn't he call me? Why didn't he text me back? Why did he shut me out? I thought we were getting somewhere! Goddammit.

"I was worried about you. Were you even aware of that?" It all came out of me in a roar. He needs to know that I'm here for him. And I need to know if he actually cares about me or not.

Jamison is quiet. All he does is sit down on the couch and look down at his feet. It's almost like he's upset too.

   "Why won't you even look at me?! What the hell did you do?" all of the bad scenarios I’ve tried so hard to ignore all come back into my mind. Did he sleep with another girl? Did he relapse? Why can't he just tell me?

Why can't he just tell me?

Tears fall from my eyes uncontrollably. I try to blink them away and fan my eyes. I wipe away the tears. Jamison doesn't need to see this. He doesn't need to know just how weak I am.