//
There's something really beautiful about first loves.
Forgive me for being so ignorant for I haven't experienced such... not until I met you.
I've started translating my vague thoughts into clear words when I was thirteen. Or ten. There's actually nothing in between because my memory does not serve me right - it does, at times you could count on one hand - and I only remember myself at ten, writing about a magic well discovered by siblings.
At thirteen, I started writing about... things I thought I knew. I haven't really had a real heartbreak. Well, I have crushes who never returned my glances but I really don't mind since I was too young to even remember why I did like them in the first place.
The first story I wrote was based on an online confession I've read. The girl got pregnant, the boy left, she lost the baby... blah, blah, tadahh, heartbreak. It's actually funny when I reflect about my past actions - I've always written about heartbreaks. Not because I've experienced one, but because I haven't had a real one and it scares me a lot that I haven't.
Maybe what I did was only self-defense. I started reading more tragic stories and realized I have high tolerance for pain. I easily cry in front of my mother but I don't... with these lame, tragic stories, as they like to call themselves. Funny, because not even one emotion got stirred inside of me.
That kept me going. But you know... I think the actual reasons I write my stories like these is because I wanted to have myself prepared for the future heartbreaks I am bound to experience and have. Maybe I kept on writing about them because I was too afraid I'd be taken by surprise and I... won't be able to do anything about it.
And that's what I'm afraid of.
Falling too deep.
Falling too hard.
Hurting myself too much in the process where I won't be able to get up and fix my knees again as if they weren't scraped in the first place.
But you, my love, made me want to jump.
I didn't care. I didn't care about broken bones and scarred hearts. I didn't care about skin getting marked for life or knees and joints not going back into place.
I did, but only for a short while.
Because it was you, and I've chosen you.
No matter what it takes.
//
