The Leverage

Chapter 16

I do as I'm told. I leave Landon's apartment without hesitation, desperate for freedom from him. For fresh air. Something. For anything to distract me from whatever the hell Landon was talking about. I already feel the leash he burdened me with beckoning me back, the curse he planted around me squeezing the air from my lungs, but I refuse to submit to the pull.

I escape from the bound to the hallway, and sink immediately to the ground. The floor has been a frequent friend of mine, my stable place to fall to when standing just can't suffice anymore. My mind is in a whirlwind, a tangled mess of emotions I have no idea how to sort, let alone understand. Landon has taken everything from me. Peace, value, hopes. My ring, my promise to Trevor. Trevor, who isn't dead, not for sure. Did Landon just forget about that little detail? How can I accept being Landon's love, if my love is still alive somewhere?

Trevor may not be dead, he can't be. As if my voice matters to the universe, but if it does, I proclaim that my love isn't dead. So Landon has no room to claim that he is, to suddenly decide that I'm his, that I can't love Trevor. That I have no free will. That I'm without love?

I could never love Landon. Whether or not I respect him is always a debatable question, so that thought of me loving him has never once crossed my mind. Honestly, there's no room for such thinking because my heart belongs completely to Trevor. That has never changed, and never will. And, I can't just decide I love Landon, the way he impossibly said. I don't choose my attraction, not really - and I certainly can't convince myself of anything other than what's natural, of what just simply is.

I could fall apart. Again. I could cry and sob through confusion, but I refuse. I feel numb as I replay that conversation with Landon repeatedly in my mind, failing to make any sense of it. I conclude that it doesn't make sense, and that Landon must be on the craziest form of drug available to come up with such an unnatural claim.

Because Landon hates me, which definitely doesn't equate to love. I'm the burden of his life, not the reason for it. Either he doesn't understand what love is, or is high, will explain the craziness of this. Nothing else could.

So, I gather myself up, and make my way down the hall. I knock on Holden's door, hoping he's inside, and not downstairs with the raid victims. It's after noon, which is usually his time for a break for lunch and sometimes a nap, and I'm relieved to find that he opens the door, holding a sandwich.

"Hey, Ally," he greets, "want some food? We have bread and shit if you do."

"Oh, no," I refuse, feeling light headed at the thought of food entering my queasy stomach. "I just wanted to talk to you, you know, away from the people downstairs."

"Cool, come on in," he opens the door wider, and I squeeze past. I glance around, noting that the apartment is an utter mess, and that none of the room's residents cared to pick up on the cleaning habits I instilled while living here. Honestly, I doubt they've even toughed the dish soap since I moved out.

"So, what's on your mind?" Holden questions, as he makes his way back into the kitchen. I follow just a step behind, trying to search my brain for reasons to explain exactly why I'm here. It's difficult I find to express my intentions, since I'm not clear of them myself. What is it that I'm expecting Holden to do for me, in realistic terms?

"Well, I need help," I begin, "I need you to help me find Trevor. He's not dead, Holden, I just know it. At least, I won't believe it, until I have proof that his body is lifeless somewhere. He couldn't have simply vanished into thin air, and there's no way he could have made a mistake great enough which would have hindered his ability to make it out of the prositution building in time before it was engulfed in flames."

"I understand, but I don't know how to really track him down if he hasn't been found already. Company members have to be tracked easily, it's a policy, either by themselves or someone else in charge of them so that the Company can be aware and intelligent of its members at all times, and if Trevor hasn't shown up in any systems which Landon has access to, then I don't know what to think," Holden explains, an apologetic look overwhelming his gaze. "I don't want to believe Trevor's dead, Ally, trust me. He's my best friend. But if Landon can't track him by now, then something bad has happened. Even if he survived and the Company Headquarters has custody of him as a prisoner for treason and what not, that would still be on record. Trevor's Unit has to have access to his whereabouts so that they don't report him missing or dead, or fear that he left the Company and is leaking information."