Nowhere as much as there do we feel possibilities shaken by the nearness of realization. The atmosphere becomes possibilities and we shall wander and make a thousand mistakes. We shall wander along yet not be able to understand.
-Jonathan Safran Foer
Taeyeon stared blankly ahead, her hands gripping tightly on the steering wheel of their rented vehicle. She was deep in thought, wondering if this trip to look for angels really was a good idea. Clearly Fany was getting worse and she knew it. Tapping her index finger against the wheel, she unconsciously bit her lower lip as she continued to think.
After all this time, after everything they've been through, after trying, hoping, and looking, she knew her time with Tiffany was beginning to run out. Did it break her heart? Of course it did, every moment, of every second, of everyday, into tiny little pieces that were more than her heart was made of. It was funny how people never think of things at all on a daily basis, until everything changes, and then they wonder how it all began and why they've never seen it coming, when clearly, the wedge was there from the start, slowly coming in between dreams and reality.
Taeyeon took a quick glance at Tiffany who sat there, silently watching the outside speed by in a blur. She was pale and her lips were chapped. Taeyeon bet her whole life savings that she had only kept quiet to prevent the quavering of her voice which was the proof that there was pain behind those empty words.
Taeyeon knocked and knocked, her knuckles turning bright pink. The girl was a few seconds close to calling the ambulance and breaking down the door but fortunately for the owner of this building, Taeyeon heard the toilet flush before an out of breath Tiffany came slowly out the washroom door.
“Fany,” she soon started, a frown scampering across her lips.
The taller girl held up her palm in front of Taeyeon to stop her from saying anything further. “I'm fine.” she replied. Tiffany smiled and what a pathetic excuse of a smile it was. She wanted to scream at her, to tell her that she shouldn't try to act like a martyr all the time. She wanted to tell her that she knew all along that she was not okay. Yet despite the want, the need was even greater; the need to protect the girl, and so, Taeyeon kept silent.
“Alright. But please, if you aren't feeling well tell me.” she responded grimly. Taking a hold of Tiffany's hand, Taeyeon helped her best friend walk back to the counter where they signed the rental forms for the vehicle.
Her best friend had cancer but she too was suffering a disease comparable to leukaemia; the cancer of never wanting to let go. It was Taeyeon, her determination to keep her world alive, that was the sole cause of them being here. Was ignorance bliss? Would Tiffany be better off if she hadn't known about the angels in Gyeonju? Clearly she would have been healthier if she had stayed put in the hospital.
Regret started to sink in as she thought more on their current situation. It was too painful for her to think that she made the wrong choice all along. Questioning herself, that was all she had ever learned to do, and where did it get her? She questioned herself out of happiness a thousand times, and it was about time that she should have stopped, but she couldn't, not when one wrong move could paralyze her forever. What Taeyeon hadn't realized though, was that if she never moved at all, constantly questioning her every step, it would be no different than paralysis.
“Fany,” she slowly started, “if you don't feel well you should tell me.”
“TaeTae, I'm fine.” Tiffany weakly replied. Her voice was hoarse and dry. Taeyeon gripped the steering wheel tighter.
“I'm just saying,” Taeyeon tried again, “that you can tell me if you don't. We can get you medicine or something, maybe a check up to the hosp-”
“TaeTae, no worries” Tiffany cut in as she flashed her another empty smile, “we don't need to do that.”
Taeyeon wanted to disagree but decided against it. She didn't want to start a fight with her; not when she was in that fragile state. And truth be told, even if she did want to start a fight with her, she didn't know how to. Fighting was something alien to the both of them. She remembered a saying, that the closer you to get to someone, the more you would fight with them; it was a sign of affection and intimacy. Taeyeon begged to differ, because she and Tiffany had only shared one real fight in all their fourteen years of knowing each other.
“Grandma!” Taeyeon called from the living room. She wore an elegant spring dress; it was white and simple, just the way she liked it. “Grandma Hwang,” she called again as she grabbed the handles of Tiffany's wheelchair, “we're going now.”
The short elderly woman came darting out of the kitchen as fast as her legs could carry her. She was holding a camera, a wide grin cemented on her features. “Alright, alright,” grandma Hwang said giddily, “but let me take a picture of you girls first before you go. The prom comes only once in your life, you know.”
“Grandma,” Tiffany whined, “you know how I hate picture taking” She drooped her head down shyly while playing with the laces in her dress.
Taeyeon patted her best friend on the head. Today was especially easy for the short girl to reach the crown of Tiffany's head as she was imprisoned to that wheelchair for a week. “Why? Scared that the camera will steal your soul right out of you?” she teased.
“Arrgghh, fine. But just this once.” Tiffany conceded.
“Thank you” grandma Hwang mouthed to Taeyeon. The eighteen year old replied with a wink.
The camera light flashed.
---
The music's bass was pounding in her ears. Taeyeon checked to see if her ears weren't bleeding before turning to look at her best friend. She smiled at Tiffany who was situated beside her. The two were currently sitting down, one on a wheelchair, the other on a stool. Running her hand across her scalp, Taeyeon was surprised to find it hairless. How could I have forgot, she thought, before smiling to herself. Safe to say, Taeyeon quite liked the feeling of not having hair; she felt free.
“Having fun?” Taeyeon asked. Her best friend was surprisingly quiet when they got to the prom. She saw Tiffany's expression darken every minute they sat watching the other people dance. Taeyeon didn't mind that all they could do in the prom was to sit down on one spot and just talk, in fact, she preferred it more to dancing the night away with their other friends; at least she had Tiffany all to herself.
“We'd have more fun if I could dance,” Tiffany replied grimly before crossing her arms. “Stupid wheelchair and stupid cancer.”
“Hey, hey,” Taeyeon countered with a frown, “don't say that. If it makes you feel any better, I promise to have a dance with you after you get out of that wheelchair.”
“It won't be the same.” she coldly replied.
The older girl was about to respond until a third voice cut her off. “Taeyeon!” Sunye called, “come on, let's go dance.”
“Stupid leukaemia” Tiffany again muttered to herself.
Taeyeon sighed heavily. She didn't like it when her best friend degraded herself.
Tiffany heard it and thought the worst. “You don't have to stay here with me. It looks like you're bored, so go ahead; I don't want to be a burden to you.”
“But-”
“You'd much prefer to have your date be someone who isn't bald, right?” Tiffany cut in.
“Hold up,” Taeyeon said, “how does you being bald relate to any of this? I'm bald too if you haven't noticed”
“Temporarily”
Sunye watched the two and decided not to get involved. Spinning around, she went back to the dance floor leaving the best friends to their argument.
“TaeTae, just say it!” Tiffany spat, “that you're only my date because you feel sorry for me. Because you have to. Because you had no choice. Because I'm you're best friend. Because no one else asked me out to the prom, so you were stuck with me.”
“None of the above, okay?” Taeyeon explained calmly though patience was quickly running low. “You're my date because I want you to be my date.”
“Liar! You and every one else knows that no one wants to go out with someone who isn't pretty, much less bald. There are people here who are much more prettier than I am, so why didn't you go and ask them out? Admit it, you asked me because you felt sorry for me.”
“Here you go again with the 'not pretty' thing,” the older girl yelled in frustration, “did you not hear what I said about that?”
“You only said that because you're my best friend!” Tiffany retorted.
“Lots of people are told that they're pretty, so why do you want to be something that thousands of people are?”
“You don't understand!” Tiffany yelled before rolling herself away. And in truth, Taeyeon didn't understand what her best friend had meant that night.
There was silence in the car, and it wasn't because Taeyeon didn't want to talk to Tiffany, she was just afraid that if she had started another conversation with her best friend, that it would deplete her already exhausted energy.
Talking is tiring and she knew that. Lucky for the two of them, they had grown so close that they didn't even need to talk to converse with each other.
The trip to Busan was filled with their silent conversations.
