In the infinite sky of heaven's shore spills the falling rain, and I am in them, and that is eternity.
There had been a time, for Taeyeon, when the future seemed linear, something that was only made possible by the moments preceding it. Now that she was older and much more wise, she knew that it was never the case for her. The life that she had lived was never smooth, the paths she walked was never straight, and the line that consisted of all the choices she did and didn't make was never even. So like everything else, time for her was not linear, because her future will and always will be contained in her past.
You wouldn't know what extraordinary means if you didn't know what ordinary was, likewise, you wouldn't know sadness if you hadn't already experienced happiness, because sadness, in and of itself, was the longing for past happiness.
A week after Yoona and Seohyun left.
She and Tiffany were finally in Gyeonju.
Splash Splash Splash.
Taeyeon's toes were stretched out as she lifted her feet from the crystalline water. The upward motion sent little tears to fly away from the lake's surface and up towards the baby blue sky. In the blazing glow of the sun the droplets of water twinkled like evening stars, enraptured in a spellbinding waltz with the light. The girl's feet drooped back down in concurrence with the little tears, her flesh being met by an icy kiss from the lake.
“TaeTae?” Tiffany asked with a wide grin. She was laying beside her best friend on a shaded patch of grass, the tips of her feet dangling from the edge of the riverbank as her toes grazed the water's surface.
“Yes Fany?” Taeyeon replied, watching the little swallows dart across God's ever changing canvas above.
It seemed that the infinite sky was never moving, held motionless while everything below moved from one place to another.
“What if we don't ever find an angel?” her best friend asked as she rolled to her side to face the girl, who in Tiffany's eyes, always had an answer for everything.
Taeyeon laughed, “That's silly”
“No I'm serious. What happens if we don't get that wish?”
“Fany, that's even more silly.” Taeyeon responded lightly before resting her arms underneath her head for a pillow. She closed her eyes and asked “Why are you asking anyways?”
Tiiffany shifted uncomfortably, playing nervously with her fingers. Taeyeon didn't need to have her eyes open for her to know that her best friend was hesitant in answering her question. “Spill it Fany”
“Well....” the younger girl started in an uneasy tone, “I was thinking and....”
“And?”
“And... if we're too late in finding that angel, that I could be the alternative.”
“I don't follow” Taeyeon replied, opening her eyes to look at her best friend closely.
“Well TaeTae, I've decided that I want to become and angel when I get to heaven.”
“You DECIDED to become an angel? Since when?”
“Just now” Tiffany replied nonchalantly.
“And why?”
“Because I still want you to have a wish even if I can't be there with you when you make it.” her best friend said, flashing Taeyeon a brilliant eye smile.
“And what does you becoming an angel have to do with me getting a wish?”
“Well TaeTae, you know, when I'm in heaven and become and angel, I'll ask God if I can come visit you. Because then you won't have to look no more; that wish, our wish, it's yours.”
“What?!?” Taeyeon hollered, clearly not pleased with what Tiffany had just said.
“It's the best back up plan ever!” Tiffany celebrated, flinging her arms in the air to show her excitement.
“No, that's the WORST back up plan ever!” Taeyeon admonished. “The only reason why I wanted a wish in the first place is so that you can get better. If you leave me and become an angel, then I have nothing to wish on. Dummy, did you think this through?”
“I just wanted you to get a wish! You should be thankful that you have such a caring best friend that thinks of other people before herself.”
“Well if this is what you've come up with when thinking, then you should stop thinking altogether” Taeyeon harshly replied as she sat up and crossed her arms.
“It's not my fault, okay?” Tiffany said, “I'm just worried about leaving you here all alone when I go.”
“You're not going anywhere though” Taeyeon replied in a terse manner. “We're going to find an angel, and we're not giving up until we do.”
“Really?”
“Mom said that those who never give up never truly lose.”
“What happens if-”
“No matter what.” Taeyeon interjected, “There's no 'what if's' in quests Fany. Have you ever heard of king Arthur and his knights of the round table asking 'what if' questions whenever they're on a quest? No, else they wouldn't be able to slay all those dragons!”
Taeyeon flashed her a wide smile that showed all her teeth. “I promise we'll find an angel before it's too late.”
“I don't know...” Tiffany said, still wary of her best friend's claim.
“Fany, promises are meant to be kept, if it isn't, then what's the point of calling it a promise?”
“Alright TaeTae,” her best friend voiced with another eye smile, “I trust you.”
“Pinky swear” Taeyeon added before holding out her pinky.
Tiffany responded by clinging on to it with her own. “Pinky swear” she softly repeated to herself.
Soundtrack: Ten
[Play for a better reading experience]
...TaeTae, it's going to rain soon...
She could still hear the words that she said a few weeks ago. The time when they laughed in the rain.
“Wha-what are you doing? We're getting wet” Taeyeon reasoned in a baffled manner as she tried to drag Tiffany back into the shelter of the station's canopy.
“We were already wet anyways before getting here. Come on, be rebellious for once” The younger girl jovially voiced.
Plip.
Plop.
Plip.
Plop.
The sky grew dark around her. The bitter wind singing in melancholy as it gently swayed the branches of the nearby trees. Rolling thunder snapped from far away so that from where Taeyeon stood, the deafening cry had already dwindled down to a soft hush. It started raining, as if her best friend was crying along with her up in heaven.
Fat, heavy and cold rain drops plummeted down from sky. It appeared that today God chose grey to paint the canvas above. It sort of surprised Taeyeon, and not because she wasn't used to a grey sky but that she thought that it should have been pink. The girl gave an empty laugh as she imagined her very own best friend pestering the Almighty to let her paint the sky pink for this day.
Instinctively, Taeyeon brought her hands above her head to prevent herself from getting wet, and then it occurred to the girl how funny she looked trying to stop the rain.
She waited for Tiffany to laugh and point at her, teasing her and calling her a dork, but it didn't happen. Four days, four long days of not hearing her voice. This was the longest she had ever been separated from her best friend.
“Does it look like I am?” Taeyeon responded, “I'm so serious right now that if you look up 'Serious' in the dictionary you'd find a picture of me.”
“Really? Another one?”
“What do you mean?” Taeyeon asked with a perplexed expression.
“I mean, wow TaeTae, you're so famous! Because I googled up 'Dork' and a picture of you popped up as well! What's even more surprising is that it's used for the 'Dork' article in wiki..... Which reminds me, I still have to contact the person who wrote that article and complain, because saying that you're a dork is in and of itself an understatement, but then again, you can't rely on wikipedia for the truth anyways.” Tiffany retorted with a grin before languidly hopping on to Taeyeon's back.
It was scary how many times people take the little things for granted. Taeyeon would give anything, trade anything, do anything, for her best friend to tease her with those gentle eyes again.
Was this what sadness was all about? Was it what comes as the aftermath of all beautiful memories after a terrifying storm? Surely she had nothing left after braving the hurricane; the cherished photographs that was clutched tightly to her chest had been blown away by the violent winds.
What she felt though was not just sadness, but something greater and much more heavy. It wasn't just the want for her remembered happiness that fed the growing sorrow, but on a promise the couldn't be kept.
Her broken promise that they would find an angel before it was too late.
The rain stopped hitting her and she turned around expectantly, hoping that it would be her best friend who had held that umbrella, giving her a brilliant smile before lecturing her on how irresponsible she could be for not bringing an umbrella.
“Taeyeon, I don't know how painful it is for you right now, but just know we'll help you get through this. And Tiffany, well... she's in a better place now” Sooyoung said softly. She was holding the umbrella with her left hand as she rubbed the shorter girl's back with her right.
"There's no leukaemia in heaven right?" Taeyeon asked. Sooyoung was religious, so she would know everything there was to know about heaven.
"No Taeyeon, there isn't" the tall girl replied in a comforting whisper.
Taeyeon coiled her fingers around the straps of the travelling bag that dangled on her shoulder. Her's and Tiffany's travelling bag, the one they carried with them along the road. She couldn't dare let go of it. Tiffany's possessions were in there, and in some way, the bag symbolized their beautiful journey. Seconds passed before she finally said, “I want to say thank you for coming. You and Sunny both. Fany would have wanted you guys to come.”
Sooyoung's niece along with Sunny walked towards them. The little girl held on to her aunt's hand as she watched with tear stained cheeks at the burial service that was about to start.
“Mommy, can I have a pink shirt like Tiffany unnie?”
“Sure you can,” the middle-aged woman replied although she didn't know why her daughter had asked her that out-of-the-blue question. “We'll buy you a pink one sometime this week, okay?”
“And can I have pretty hair like hers too?” For an eight year old, bald hair meant the same thing as any other hairstyle.
“Now, honey....”
“Because I want to be like her when I grow up,” Sooyoung's niece cut in with a radiant smile, and Tiffany was speechless at the little girl's sudden confession.
“Mommy, I want to be just as beautiful as she is”
From the get go, she was beautiful.
“We would have come no matter what” Sooyoung voiced in a solemn tone.
Taeyeon gave an empty smile before looking at each of the faces that have began to crowd before the burial sight. It was mostly composed of Sooyoung's and Sunny's family, along with her own family, a few that she had personally asked to attend, and some she couldn't recognize.
Someone placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Taeyeon turned to find Yoona without a smile.
The people that led them along their journey, the people that showed them hope, love, laughter, faith, and friendship, they were all here. Despite the sorrow that weighed heavily in the air, love was there.
Love had always been there. Wherever she and Tiffany walked, love was there.
She could hear Tiffany's lingering laughter and feel her warm smile, because love, in a way, was how to stay alive even after you pass away.
Goodbye – it's the saddest word in any language.
“TaeTae, I'm done” she said as she made a slight slit on the paper with a thin twig, slipped the balloon's string through it and tied it up securely.
Taeyeon did the same, tying up the paper to her blue balloon. “Same here” she said with a wide grin.
“What'd you wish for?” Tiffany asked curiously.
“For you to stay with me forever” Taeyeon answered, “I was going to write until I grow old... but that doesn't seem long enough for me. How about you?”
“That I keep falling at 9.8 meters per second even after I hit the ground”
And indeed, as long as she remained in the hearts of the people she loved, she would continually fall at that speed; pulled closer by love's gravitation.
The burial service started.
For Taeyeon, it was an out of body experience in the most literal sense, because she was now just a walking corpse. If people really had souls, it was long gone from her body now. It had left with Tiffany when she became an angel.
The lowering of the coffin symbolized the waving of the white flag. Their journey ended, their noble quest unfinished and incomplete.
She looked at the gravestone.
Hwang Miyoung.
1989 – Present Date
An angel whose next journey, next roadtrip, and next quest is to sail back to God in an ocean of pure joy, helped by the wind of past companionship and return home.
Taeyeon didn't like the thought of having stamped the specific date of her death on the stone. To her and to everybody else, she was still alive, living in the memories and on the roads she had shared along the journey.
Taeyeon flashed her a smile that bore all the feelings that were contained in her heart. Feelings of acceptance, gratefulness, hope, and love. “So how about it, Fany? You, me, doing this one last quest together?”
“Last huh? I guess this really is it....” the sick girl responded with a reminiscing smile, “our last shot to look for angels.”
“Think of it as a roadtrip, a journey, an adventure.”
Indeed, it was an adventure of a lifetime, one that she would remember forever.
Taeyeon wished she could be a girl again, to relive her memories again with her best friend. Anything, she would give anything to have Tiffany back at her side. She doubted she could be able to adapt herself to live without a heart. Taeyeon would try, but she'd forever be trying.
Great loss can never be mended with time. With its razor edges, it shapes us, carves us, and moulds us into something totally different. Time can't let us change back to who we were before the loss, but rather, allows us to accept the new creature we have become.
The minister started speaking.
There were no tears, there was only emptiness and she felt it everywhere; in the roof of her mouth, in the spaces between her fingers, and in the recesses of her hollow chest. Taeyeon was not strong enough for this. Her best friend was the one that was strong while Taeyeon used her as a pillar of strength. Now that the pillar was no more, she felt weak, vulnerable, and deserted. Taeyeon wanted some great disaster to sweep her off her feet now, to break her, shatter her into tiny fragments and blow her up towards the sky – towards the one she loved.
Please, she begged, let me be with the one I love.
Kneeling down beside her best friend, she sported a dorky grin. “Do you, Hwang Miyoung, take Kim Taeyeon as your lawfully wedded wife. To love and to cherish for as long as...” Taeyeon couldn't remember the rest, so she made it up, “... for as long as... you turn into an angel?”
Tiffany bit her tongue to prevent her from laughing again. Once her urge to chuckle at Taeyeon's dorky antic was gone, she nodded and held her right hand up as if taking a vow.
“Even after I turn into an angel,” the younger girl corrected with a brilliant smile before poking Taeyeon on the forehead with an index finger, “But, yes, I do”
They started lowering her down.
Taeyeon couldn't take it anymore. She ran.
♦♦ ♦♦ ♦♦
The girl found herself on a bench not too far away from the burial site. She shivered as the bitter winds brushed past her, the smell of moss and dew hung heavily in the breeze. It had stopped raining, but she didn't care, in fact, she didn't care about anything at all.
Taeyeon just wanted her best friend back.
She was on the brink of having another anxiety attack – the first one since the first day she met Tiffany.
The girl really was her anti-anxiety medication.
A surge of overwhelming panic came over her and she didn't know what to do. This time, her empty chest had allowed her to cry, and with it, came the realization that she was now truly alone. No more late nights driving aimlessly around town, no more spilled coffees from laughing too much, no more singing along to the tunes of the car radio, no more fake marriage rings, no more secrets shared only among best friends – no more Tiffany.
Taeyeon was desperate, desperate to see and hear her. She rummaged inside their travelling bag before grabbing the video camera that was there.
She had replaced the camera she had bought a long time ago with a video camera, and the girl had not realized that she had packed it inside the bag before they left from the hospital in Seoul. It was just a week previous that she found out it was in there all along.
Taeyeon flipped the screen open and turned it on. She selected the first of many short videos that was saved inside.
The clip was of the morning Tiffany awoke from having numerous treatments done on her to stop the internal bleeding in her lungs. The morning after Yoona and Seohyun's departure.
Dr.Kim told Taeyeon of the news once Tiffany was out of critical condition. Her best friend's bone marrow was close to completely failing, and was the reason her platelet levels dropped down so quickly in a matter of hours. He said that typically normal patients would undergo a bone marrow transplant, but since Tiffany was not only weak but was already in the late stages of leukaemia, there was little to no chance of survival in the surgery.
He proposed that she should use Tiffany's remaining days to make lasting memories with her. Taeyeon asked if she had the strength to get out of bed, Dr.Kim said no, and with that, her hopes of continuing their journey simply vanished. An 'I'm sorry that we couldn't continue our quest' to her best friend wasn't enough. She could apologize a thousand times to her and it still wouldn't be enough for Taeyeon to feel the least bit guilty. The girl had a lot of regrets in life, but this one was the biggest; that they didn't continue their search for angels when there was still a chance for them to do so.
It was a gift she found the video camera when searching for some Tylenol. Apparently, crying for the whole night was akin to having a hangover. The moment Tiffany woke up, Taeyeon wiped away her last tear for the day, put on a smile, and told her best friend of her intention to record every second of every day she spent breathing. She also told herself that while Tiffany was still alive, she wouldn't cry, she would smile and in turn, try making her best friend smile. Like what Yoona said: she had forever to cry but just a short while to laugh and smile.
She wouldn't let Tiffany pass away while having the image of a broken and tearful Taeyeon etched in her mind. No, if anything, she would like Tiffany to think that they would both separate with smiles on their faces.
Taeyeon pressed play.
♦♦ ♦♦ ♦♦
“Okay Fany, do your introduction” Taeyeon said from behind the camera. She zoomed in to her best friend's face who was seated upright, leaning on the headboard of the bed. Tiffany looked frighteningly pale but yet, she still fought it off with a genuine smile on her face.
“TaeTae, I don't want to” she whined.
“Every epic biography starts with a great introduction. Now come on!”
Tiffany sighed, shook her head before muttering 'Dork' under her breath.
“I HEARD THAT!” Taeyeon wailed as she zoomed in closer. “Fany, Fany, Tiffany, do your introduction. Please? For me?”
“Didn't I tell you that I don't like cameras?”
“Yes, but this is a video camera not a picture camera.”
“Ugh,” Tiffany groaned. “Fine TaeTae, but you owe me later. I want some milk and cookies from the cafeteria lady who has that freaky black caterpillar in between her eyebrows.”
“It's called a unibrow Fany.” Taeyeon explained, “Anyways, action!”
Tiffany stared into the camera and flashed the biggest smile she was capable of. “Hello, my name is Hwang Miyoung, but most people call me Tiffany. I have a dork as a best friend...”
“Excuse me?” Taeyeon interjected.
The sick girl laughed. “I mean, I have a dork for a girlfriend.”
“That's not what I meant Fany!”
“Love you too, TaeTae!” Tiffany replied with a blithe giggle.
Taeyeon kept on watching and the video kept on playing.
