Different

Chapter 14 Let Go

Chapter 14

Let Go

I push the door closed. Silencing the creek of metal against metal. I walk into my room and repeat the action. Slowly but surely as time passes I hear more and more people entering the house. I don't go and greet them. I lay across my bed, hair sprawled out and let my mind wander. Logically this would be the time to push everything down to the back of my brain, but I let the thoughts run wild and free. I do not shed a single tear. Not when thinking of my old life, not when thinking of effect of my actions on my loved ones, not even when thinking about my parents. I return into another out of body emotional experience. My mind is working while everything else is lifeless. I don't feel my heart beat rhythmically, my eyes don't wander down the walls, and my lungs don't contact or expand. I'm lifelessly living. Thoughts consuming me deeper and deeper into the abyss. It can only be compared to what I imagine drowning feels like. Watching yourself sink farther and farther from the oxygen you so desperately crave until finally everything fades. Your vision gets fuzzy around your peripherals until finally- "Allison?" I sit back up. Becoming aware of the rhythmic pumping of my heart that hasn't stopped, or my lungs who have been constantly filled with oxygen before it is released. In a way I feel relieved. I have a slight hope that now that the my mind took over it won't need to, for a while at least.

"Yea?" I reply to the the intruder of my thoughts.

"Dinner is about ready," Nicole says in the familiar wary voice. The same tone when she told me it was time to leave the old house. The exact same tone she used in the hospital when she told me they were gone.

"Okay," I mumbled sliding off my mattress. "I thought you were...better," she continues warily blocking my exit. "I don't know what you're talking about I feel fine?" I lie. She searches my face. She's known me too long to believe it, I've never been that great at lying. Until now apparently. "Okay...okay," she mumbled as she turned around into the hallway. I followed her into a sea of smiles, fake and real, through the arms of constricting hugs, and into my designated chair. Though for once in my life I wasn't interested in food. My relatives chatted. One side being my moms the other my dads. My moms side always seemed more about appearances than my dads. It was apparent today. I, as the other kids, were questioned about school, life goals, activities, and the occasional boyfriend question. The normal unbearable encroaching extended family questions. Of course with my recent life changes my usual answers didn't come easily. Other than the boyfriend question that's still the same. So as the food was passed around, meaningless conversations were shared. A few awkward prying questions were asked and answered politely as possible. My attitude was no where in sight, and quite frankly I didn't know how to cope without it. Everything about the night was off. The food didn't settle right, the conversation was strained, the atmosphere was filled with anticipation. For what I have yet to know. Maybe they're trying not to push us past our breaking point. Still I stayed throughout the entire meal and did what was expected. It wasn't a foreign feeling. Most of my childhood was me completing the high expectations I was submerged in. One night wasn't going to kill me. But it did remind me of what I really wanted to do. Not career wise, but life wise. Who I wanted to be as a person. I don't have it all figured out, how I'm going to get there in such. But I do have a few ideas. Eventually the meal was completed. Some sticked around after, but not for too much longer. I helped Aunt Jodi clean up the mess. I was still in my daze. The whole situation felt surreal. After all was clean, my broken family spread. Nate and his sister were getting ready for bed. Nicole and Daniel on the sofa watching TV. My aunt and uncle in their room upstairs. I'm assuming Ann is in hers as well as Braden. I drift back into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I turn on a playlist describing my mood. I sit for what feels like hours and listening to the music. Ron Pope, Birdy, Ellie Goulding, The Script, a little Coldplay, John Mayer, Nickleback's darker songs, that Skinny Love song, even Say Something (ft Christina Aguilera) filled my room. I did nothing in this time really. I allowed my mind a little freedom, not to the extent of earlier. It could be compared to a lion in an outdoor exhibit zoo. The lion ultimately still had boundaries, but the had enough to room to live contently. For now. I look down at my phone. One-Thirty AM. I'm at a loss. Unable to get out of my mood, I make the same decision I have on several other accusations. I leave. I grab my keys and make a silent run for it. Making it into my car I continue my playlist as I drive. This isn't a speeding run for adrenaline kind of drive. It's a cruise. I got through the different roads of the weird community I now live in. I haven't ever driven through here before. I always got out of here as soon as I good and when it was time to go back in I did. I stroll farther and father from Jodi's house and I can see the community eventually coming to an end. I follow the road to what I would imagine would be a coldasack, but I'm proven wrong as the assault suddenly ends. The road led a good five plots farther than the last house. There's an open landscape in front of me for a good hundred yards before tree and shrubbery consumes it. I glance at my clock that now reads1:45. I turn my car off an sit in the darkness. The silent night a contrast to the last few hours of music. After a few minutes I open my door and step out. I lean against my hood and gaze up at the stars. For a moment it feels almost as if I'm alone in the world. And it's liberating. An unnatural 'plop' is heard from a distance. It reminds me of a frog jumping into a pond. I don't think much of it. It probably is just some animal. Then another. 'Plop'