Rambling Writings (+ Shorts)

Biological (Lack Of) Control

Foods high in sugar are not good for someone learning to control her anxiety. As a BTEC Health and Social Care graduate, I really should know this. There's almost next to know excuse for me wolfing down an Oreo ice cream, fully knowing that the sudden intake of high amounts of glucose will rapidly affect my internal chemistry and greatly upset homeostasis, resulting in anxious followed by depressive thoughts.

Glucose is the form of energy most readily available to the body. It doesn't need to be broken down at all before our cells can use it to make ATP, short for adenosine triphosphate. This is the high energy molecule produced to sustain life via cellular respiration. Trust me, it's so much more than Glucose + Oxygen = ATP + Carbon Dioxide + Water! Ahh, the cellular respiration word equation. That old chestnut.

Our bodies have a series of incredible processes that are on the go 24/7, 365 days a year to keep our internal rhythm ticking over. Cardiac muscle never tires, unlike other types of tissue. Contrary to a widespread ignorance, bone truly is a living tissue, and bleeds massively when fractures occur. Yadda yadda, all these facts. I could go on forever.

Glucose is... an addiction. We're almost obsessed by it. We don't need half as much as the average Western person will consume daily (excluding certain medical conditions in which a person's demand for energy is higher). It's extremely.. well, I want to say it is extremely bad, but the fact is we do need it, just much less than we actually consume. 30g is a guideline, yet it is taken as gospel.

Too much at once is a bad thing, and it is really bad for anxiety. The sudden influx of sugar causes the brain to activate quick, irrational thinking, and switches on our "fight or flight" mechanisms. It means the brain is always on the alert for danger, hence the quick thinking. You wouldn't just stand there, deep in thought, if an axe-wielding murderer was running at you! This quick thinking thusly eliminates most rational, logical thinking as in a "fight or flight" situation you don't have time for that. Our bodies internally identify that the blood sugar level is too high, and prompt the secretion of insulin. Insulin basically acts as the key to the body's cells, allowing glucose into these cells to be used for cellular respiration. Thus, this removes it from the bloodstream and stabilises blood sugar levels. However, when one has consumed a lot of sugar in one go, a lot of insulin is secreted, and this can bring down the blood sugar level below the normal line. The body will eventually realise this and counteract it, but for the meantime a "sugar crash" occurs. This "crash" is equally as bad, as it is then that depressing thoughts will start to kick in, along with the anxiety. This will sound cliched, but it really is a special kind of hell.

There really is no fighting these biological processes, and in my experience, all breathing techniques I know for controlling racing, irrational thoughts and dark, depressing clouds are thrown out of the window. My body might as well be in overdrive sorting out this energy problem. Of course, this would affect my brain. My saving grace comes in the form of distraction techniques. Watching YouTube videos, playing video games, practicing grounding (another technique used to control anxiety), drawing, colouring in... the list goes on and on. Any activity (not literally any, evidently discounting dangerous things) that keeps my brain engaged while my body sorts out the energy crisis is a saviour.

And I just know when it's all over. I'll disengage from an activity, and my brain won't return to racing around and searching for danger in my environment as well as within myself. I'll be able to return to rational thought, with logic restored. Priceless feeling, it really is.

I love to learn. In fact, I thrive when my brain is busy being productive on the task of learning something and concreting it in memory. As I have no academic focus, because I am no longer at college, I feel I've taken to the self-guided CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) like a duck to the water. My brain knows it will be beneficial for me to make these techniques second nature, and so it becomes total nature to learn them, adapt to them and adopt them in everyday life. It's such a relief to see the progress that I've made within just two of the four sessions I'll ever get, unless it is determined that I need more.

The fact that I am here, writing this now, is proof of progress. I know what can trigger anxiety, and what to do when it tries to hit. The most paramount of all teachings, and the one that really proves my progress, is that I know a slip up is nothing to be ashamed of and that I am not a bad person for my mental troubles. For example, if I have a moment where breathing won't control anxieties and I start to cry, I know now that it does not mean I am weak, or that I am a bad person. The fact I can acknowledge that makes me stronger and more resilient than I have ever been before.

Learning to control anxiety is a long, long journey and comes with many trials and tribulations. That's why it is so key that it is driven by a want, a need even, to end the suffering that it causes you and "get better". I use that phrase loosely, because having anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that you are ill, and people should see you as such. It doesn't mean you are defunct or broken in any way. Of course, the brain is an organ too and it can suffer with illness and disease like any other organ in your body does. People are very hasty to forget that. But having anxiety, depression or any other mental ailment doesn't mean you or other people should judge you as broken or nonfunctional.

Myself, I have many challenges to face in addition to learning and using techniques to tackle anxiety. I need to reduce the sugar in my diet (caffeine was easy as I hardly ever intake it), drink more water, regulate my sleeping pattern and find exercises to do on the regular that suit me. It is important also to address connecting issues, and so I'll also need to investigate other associated disorders with my GP. It's all progress towards a version of me that will read this over and smile, knowing she overcame so much torment within her own brain to be where she is. She'll smile and see these words as a testament to her resilience, strength and determination.

This journey starts with acknowledging that you are worth help professionals are willing to give you, and that you are not a bad person because of the trouble you are facing. Everything is relative, and it is vital that you remember that. Don't ever let someone tell you that your anxiety, your depression, the things that bother you are nothing in the "bigger picture". Everything is relative. Just because they may not suffer from it, doesn't make it any less of an important issue to you. It affects your life, therefore it is a totally legitimate issue for you.

Anxiety will always be there for me, as there is no definitive cure, but I am slowly learning to tame it when it rears its head at me. Notice I haven't called it ugly. I won't, and in fact I quite refuse to. Anxiety is just a part of me that grew too large and ultimately held the reins on my life for a very long time. Now, it is a part of me that I am becoming more and more able to control. It does not make me flawed and it doesn't spell the end for me.

It will not rule me this time.

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Author's Notes: Please be aware that, whilst I am a Health and Social Care BTEC graduate, I am no doctor and nothing written here is viable medical advice. Seek professional guidance from a qualified health professional for issues such as the ones I have raised here. Also, while I do know my stuff still from the BTEC I took, please don't cite any of this in research as I may not have remembered it with 100% accuracy.