Imagine

Imagine you brother

Imagine growing up with a disabled brother. When you were little you didn't even notice he is, he doesn't behave like one of the children you see and immediately think of as different or even disgusting. No, when you were children you often played with each other, doing-as-if-games. Doing as if you were knights, elves or even farmers. But as you grew older he changed, you noticed he wasn't able to do things every other child in his age, or even younger then him, would have no problem with! Dressing himself, brushing his teeth! But physically he was able to do so, he just couldn't! Whatever it was that blocked him, he couldn't turn it off.

The hardest times for you were when your mother would be working and just you, your father and both of your brothers were there. He didn't really understand the diabilities you smaller brother had, your father always got angry if one of you didn't do what he wanted as soon as he wanted! So when your brother got angry when his daily routine was interrupted you dad didn't get it! He then went to punish the small boy that himself didn't know what happens, didn't understand why he was feeling so angry! While you older brother went away, in his room, with his headsets on, you couldn't! You felt responsible for the weaker one, couldn't just leave! Feeling as if you were the mother, having the duty to protect him, you went in between the two. Pulled the anger of you father towards you, having him chase you, ran away when you were scared he would hurt you, got locked in in the bathroom without a lock. With just your dad behind it, holding it closed. Screaming and crying inside, not knowing what to do. Feeling helpless but proud you freed your brother from such a treatment. Always being worried your dad would hurt you you just never felt save. Whenever you felt the need to show emotion it was anger, anger that filled your little heart with hate and sorrow.

As you get to know other children and other parents you realise it is not normal, it's not normal for your dad to behave like this, you learn that parents have to protect their children at all costs. And somehow you manage to tell your mom what would happen if she wasn't there! And she believed you, immediately! That was the biggest relief! And right after you told her your dad had to move out, not into another house, but away from your room, far enough to not hurt you anymore! He would have to walk through the garden to get to you and your siblings, so you are safe!

But as your father was away your mom had to do everything! The household, looking after her children, working! And it all went over her head. And so you looked after your smaller brother when she wasn't around. Talked to him, and when he was suicidal you looked into his room every hour, asking if everything was okay. Putting away all scarfs and knifes! Living with the fear you could come in and find him dead!

Now everything is a little better, you mom isn't that overworked, you older brother helps in the house keeping, you don't feel that alone anymore. But there is always the feeling that you have to be a parent for your disabled brother, that you have to look after him! Which your mom doesn't want you to anymore. You have your own problems, you should look after you. Getting your live right before you look after others. But how could you? How could you just turn off the urge to protect your brother at all costs after all you went through? How could anybody understand that? That you are the one who needs to be strong all the time, to stand up for him! For your whole family! How could you ever turn off the bad feeling you get as soon as your brother is alone? How do you get the little voice in your head to be quite when all it is saying is your brother could kill himself? How?

Imagine how hard it is to have a life like this! Imagine it when you meet a stranger, maybe someone who looks not like you, who is different! Imagine them to have a hard live-start like this before you judge! Before you think of them as fat or lazy! Maybe they do much more than you see, just not where anybody notices!