All Smiles

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You're reading means a lot to me. Love, Ali.

~~Ali~~

As soon as we hit the beach I changed and ran to the water. I took the time to look at all of its beautiful features. The tide was coming in at a perfect spot. Not too high, not too low. There were huge rocks to the right of me that misted water all around as the waves collided with the surface. The water looked like silk. I felt the sand escape from under my feet as the tide pulled back in. The sea was the only place where I felt at home. There were no distractions, no people, and endless possibilities that I could explore. I swam as far out as I could, floating when I got to the end of my extent.

Lana was swimming behind me, catching up to me slowly, but surely. A huge wave crashed on Lana, causing her to collapse under the waves strength. She popped up a few seconds later, looking so confused. I don't think I laughed harder that day.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" She said sounding playful and irritated.

"That wave got you good." I said, carefully wiping my eyes from the tears coming down. I somehow went from laughing tears, to actual tears. I don't think I've ever felt more ashamed in my life.

Lana came over and held me against her. I honestly loved her so much. I couldn't have asked for two better friends than Melissa and Lizzy. I let everything come down. It felt like I was crying in front my mom and my sister. It made me feel uncomfortable showing my weakness to even my closest friend. I backed away from Lizzy, looking in her eyes. They were filled with wonder and confusion.

I swam a little further past my breaking point in hopes that this was further than Lana's limits as well. She followed, of course, but this time she grabbed me, and pulled me into the most passionate kiss of my life. It felt like she wanted me to feel her love for me and understand that I'm not alone. I just couldn't feel that. I wanted to push back, but my body got the best of me and caved in. We were being rocked by the waves slightly, just kissing. I pulled back when I realized I needed to stop, probably blushing like a fool. The tears mixed with the drops of ocean water on my face.

I swam into shore for what seemed like hours and walked in front of the house to get some air. I didn't want to have an emotional breakdown at all really. Unfortunately, all I saw was paparazzi bombard me with questions. That really made me want to cry.

"What are you guys doing back there?"

"Are you and Lana together?"

"How about you guys get the fuck out of my way." I mumbled to myself. But they wouldn't. They kept following me until I reached my destination. They were like a swarm of flies that I wanted to kill. I went up to a bar up the street and asked for a bottle of vodka. I would pay whatever it took to get a bottle of it.

"I have one, yeah. It's on the house for such a pretty lady like you." He winked. He was attractive, no doubt about it. He had a nice jawline that wasn't too defined, beautiful yet dull brown eyes, curly hair that he kept back with an American flag bandana. He flashed me a smile when I didn't show any response to his answer. He had such crooked teeth but it fit his personality to me.

I asked if he was sure, knowing how expensive it was. "No problem!" He said, handing me the bottle. I looked on the side to see his phone number on the side. I smiled to myself thinking how cheesy it was. I took a huge swig of it while I was walking back, paparazzi still buzzing about. I sat with Melissa, paparazzi still chirping faintly in my ear.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?" Melissa said with bulging eyes as she saw the bottle of vodka in my hand. She snatched the bottle from me. "My god, Ali. Don't do this to yourself! It fucking hurts seeing you this way, don't you know!" She whisper yelled at me with caution around the paparazzi. Her eyes started to well up with tears. I felt bad.

"Ok." That's all I had to say. I've already admitted to myself that I need help. I've been a wreck. I'm not stupid. I'm just not comfortable with talking to other people. I can barely express myself with my friends, let alone some stranger.

All I wanted to do with my life was become a neurosurgeon and an Olympic softball player. I know, over achiever. But I loved being busy. It was the only way I was at peace with myself, even during my Buddhist journey. I remember being a teenager. Working with kids, playing basketball and softball with the goal of getting into college with softball, doing a total of 10 AP classes during my high school year and balancing a social life. I was even treating myself like Tom Haverford and Donna on Treat Yo Self Day. But I was never fully satisfied. There was always something more that I wanted to do. Something in my heart always wanted to be more busy, work harder. That's what I want in life really is to know how to actually live and fill that void.

I felt a huge hit on my face. I looked over at Melissa to see her crying both tears of sadness and anger. She was probably looking for a response to something she said while I was zoned out. I still didn't say anything. Instead I took the time to really take in her features. She had frizzy hair that she always had in a low ponytail. She was wearing her glasses. They made her look more like who she was as a person. She was ghastly white with freckles on her face. Her normal blue eyes were dark and red with evident capillaries.

We both have such different minds. I didn't get how we were friends at all. We were polar opposites, bound together by a magnetic force that we couldn't escape, no matter how hard we tried. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a friend that cared so much for my well-being.

Bam. Another smack to my face. She really wanted me to speak. I denied her that right and moved closer to the water. Lana was sitting there, legs crossed criss-cross apple sauce. I made the deadly mistake of sitting next to her. She looked at me with teary eyes as well. Shit. A small smile dance on her lips, to which I returned. I sighed a deep sigh and turned to her.

"Why?"

She cried even harder than before when I asked that question. I pulled her into a tight hug. I knew she was probably confused with everything. I heard her mumble sentences under her breath, but my ears had long gone given up on me when it came to hearing low noises. She shifted her body so she was laying on my lap. I ran my fingers through her hair. She gave me a teary smile.

"Why am I so lucky to have the perfect friend in my life?"

"I'm not perfect. Thank you, though. You're a great friend. Not many of my friends would go to such an extent to make me feel better." I mumbled. She laughed at my quietness. I'm usually so loud, but right now was the time to be quiet and just take in what was around us.

I began to cry. Everything caught up to me; my exhaustion, my stress, that feeling deep in my chest that I've suppress for far too long. I just went overboard. Lana rubbed my back, letting me cry. This time I was laying on her lap, looking and feeling so hopeless.

I wondered if that was how she felt when she cried last night. What was she thinking about? Subconsciously, I did ask that question right to her face. She looked at me dumbfounded, like she was surprised that I would ask a question like that while breaking down.

She let out a sigh with a mix of frustration and sadness. I don't think I've ever felt the same way as a person as I did now.

"Where do you want me to start?"

This chapter sucks I'm so sorry. It's been a while and I've been so busy con mis niños. Thank you for the support. -Ali