Danny and Olivier

Part 3- Say What You Need To Say

Olivier felt happy- and content- when he woke up the next morning, holding Danny tightly in his arms. The cool sheets were wrapped loosely across their bare bodies, and Olvier couldn’t help but think that they were finally…there. They had gone all the way- to their inept first kiss, to their little date, to Evan…to coming out to the world. To making something of themselves.
       To falling in love.
       Olivier nuzzled Danny’s neck and planted a light kiss, brushing back Danny’s black bangs from his forhead.
       Danny blinked a couple of times after his eyelids fluttered open, cleansing them from sleep.
       “Good morning, beautiful,” Olivier murmured into Danny’s neck, rubbing his bare stomach softly.
       “Hey,” Danny looked straight up into Olivier’s eyes, watching as his long lashes blinked softly. He looked so innocent and pure; unknowing that Danny was now flooded with guilt.
       “Are you still tired?” Olivier asked softly, smiling at Danny. Danny shook his head and snuggled deeper into Olivier’s warm body.
       He’d miss that feeling, for sure.
       “Are you okay?” Olivier noticed the change in Danny’s expression. Danny tried to smile, but bit the inside of his cheek in the process.
       “Danny?” Olivier asked again as Danny attempted to wrap himself up into Olivier, who was pushing him away to look in his eyes. “Danny? What’s wrong?”
       “I love you,” Danny admitted truthfully, feeling tears welling in his eyes. Olivier noticed, and he felt his eyes widen visibly.
       Olivier began freaking out. “Danny?! Are you okay?! What’s wrong?! Oh my God, was it about loast night? Did I hurt you? We shouldn’t have had sex! Danny?!”
       “N-no, we shouldn’t have,” Danny said softly, choking on his tears. “I’m…I’m sorry, Olivier.”
       Olivier felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest, full of hurt. And lust. He had given everything to Danny, and now Danny regretted it.
       “It’s fine,” Olivier lied, his voice quiet. He bit his lip and pulled himself away from Danny. He could see the tears glistening in Danny’s eyes, and he couldn’t’ wonder what had caused Danny to break down like this.
       Is it me? Is it because I’m…gosh, I don’t even know.
       Why does Danny regret it?
       “Y-you know that p-person I was talking to on…on the p-phone the other day?” Danny asked, sniffling. Olivier recalled Danny quickly hanging up before Olivier got a chance to ask who that was. “The one where…where I said that ‘I’ll be right th-there?’” Danny let a tear roll down his cheek. Olivier nodded solemly, trying to maintain his calmness.
       “Did..did you cheat on me, Danny?”
       Danny looked at Olivier with a horrified expression on his face. “Of course not!”
       “That what is it, Danny?” Olivier bit his lip. “You’re worrying me.”
       Danny took a deep breath, inhaling the cool air in betwee his teeth. He then proclaimed:
       “I’m moving to Missouri.”
       Olivier sat there in silence, staring warily at Danny. “What?”
       “I…I’m moving. To Missouri. My dad— “
       “How long have you known?” Olivier’s voice was rising, pulling up the covers to shield his bare torso. “Danny!”
       “…a week. But my dad—“
       “Your dad what, Danny?” Olivier was yelling now, out of anger, and pain. “You’ll leave me for your father, who left you, instead of me?” Olivier knew he was being selfish now, but he couldn’t give a damn, especially when he felt Danny slipping from his fingers. He couldn’t bear to lose Danny. He thought it was going to happen one day, but he certainly didn’t think it’d be the day after he gave his virginity to him!
       And I certainly didn’t expect him to just move away. I never expected that he’d go back to his father, rather than stay here in California with rich step-parents and a band and a record contract and everything!
       “But—“
       “But nevermind, Danny. You knew full-well that you were leaving me, but you slept with me anyways?” Olivier scoffed, not believing it. He threw his head back and laughed once; just one, big, loud “HAH!”
       “I’m sorry, Olivier. But my dad—,”
       Olivier exhaled a loud puff of air and wrapped one of the sheets around him, standing up. But not before the door flew open, and in came Danny’s bandmates.
       They took one look at a shirtless Danny and his tears, then another look at Olivier with a sheet wrapped around him, then fled from the scene. “I hope you liked the sex, Danny!” One of them shouted, before slamming the door shut.
       Olivier glared and trekked into the bathroom, where he turned on both the bathtub tap and the sink tap, then flushed the toilet repeatedly, the marble bathroom blurring in tears around him. He wanted to hear the sound of rushing water- and only water- in his head. But he couldn't shake off that odd feeling of betrayal he felt.
       Was he supposed to go with Danny? Was he supposed to get into a long distance relationship?
       What was he supposed to do?
       It was only until he turned on the hair dryer that he began to cry.


       “I want to go home.”
       Those five words stabbed Danny in the chest as Olivier emerged from the bathroom, his eyes puffly from crying.
       Now, if only I could explain why I was leaving…
        But I can't. I promised my father I wouldn't tell anyone.
       “Can…can you wait a couple of days?” Danny asked softly, tangling his fingers into the sheets. “Or…or do you really want to…”
       Want to leave me behind because you hate me now?
       Olivier shrugged, sitting down on the couch opposite the bed. He wrapped the blankets around him even tighter, not wanting to look Danny in the eye.
       What was he supposed to say?
       Danny, I still want you even if you’re going to be gone. Even if I’m pissed as hell right now, I still love you.
       But I kind of have to let you go. You’re going to find new guys in Missouri, and I know that I’m going to feel constantly jealous and possessive.
      Then we’d break up anyways.
       So what’s the point?
       Save me the pain, Danny.
       Olivier tried to numb his mind, but all he could hear was the annoying echo of his own voice. He knew he wasn’t thinking right. He knew that there could still be a chance that he and Danny could be together, no matter what.
       Love overcomes everything, right?
       But his mind wasn’t thinking that way. His mind was focusing on the fact that there were much, much better guys out there for Danny, instead of one that was deaf and poor, someone who could actually afford clothes from the department stores instead of rummaging through the Salvation Army.
       “I’m sorry.”
       Olivier looked up at Danny and bit his lip. “It’s fine,” he lied. Lied. He promised he wouldn’t lie. And here he was again.
       As much as Olivier wanted to be mad at Danny, he just simply couldn't bring himself to it.
        What good would that do? Even if Danny had kept his moving a secret, Olivier couldn't change anything. Maybe Danny was wrong, but he had good intentions.
       Kind of.
       “What…what are we going to do?”
       The dreaded question slipped out of Olivier’s mouth, but somehow, he didn’t regret it. They both sat silently on the bed and waited. Waited for the other to answer.
       Danny looked down at the floor. He knew he was hurting Olivier. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t tell Olivier why he was leaving. All he knew was that he had to get back to Missouri before it was too late.
       And what does Olivier think? Does he want to break up? Does he want to try something long-distance?
       What does Olivier want to do?
       Danny glanced at Olivier as if he were a third grader spying on his crush, quickly looking away. He noticed the solemn, emotionless expression Olivier wore.
       I might as well save myself from the pain that will come when Olivier breaks up with me.
       Maybe it’ll hurt less if I do it first.
       “I think…I think we should break up.”
       It was out there now. Floating around in mid-air as Olivier tried to understand the concept of his words.
       “…yeah. Yeah, me too.” Olivier lied once more, gritting his teeth. Play along, Olivier. Maybe it’ll hurt less.
       “Oh, really? I’m glad we were thinking the same thing, then. Because…long distance relationships are hard…and…such.” Danny finished lamely, picking at his nails. He still felt incredibly bad for sleeping with Olivier under such circumstances, but at this point, he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t rewind twenty-four hours and prevent himself from making love to Olivier.
       Not that he’d want to stop it, anyways.
       “We’ll still…be friends, yeah?”
       Why does it feel so final?
       “Yeah.”
        Say what you need to say. Say the truth, both boys thought. But they couldn't bring themselves to it.
       He’ll always be the first love of my life. It’s not going to change a thing.
       Right?



Three days later, they stood at the airport terminal in San Francisco, standing awkwardly around each other as they waited for their parents to pick them up.
       “Email me.”
      “Call me.”
      “Text me."
       Remember me.
       Remember that I love you.
       Olivier's mother pulled up in front of the terminal, and Olivier turned to face Danny, for the last time.
       "Well...I guess this is it." Danny murmured.
        What happened to the old Danny and Olivier? Olivier wanted to scream, stomping his foot for the world to hear. What happened to "us against the world"? No matter what?
          Where did that go? What happened?
          Maybe we were simply two, stupid idiotic teenagers in love.
          Maybe that's all it is. Just another one of those sappy, cheesy, cliched teenage romances everyone's been talking about.
           That's it.
            Olivier gave Danny one last, slow tender kiss before picking up his bags, twining their fingers together. "We'll talk everyday, yeah?"
           "Yeah. And you won't forget me?" Danny squeezed Olivier's hand gently.
            "It'd be pretty damn hard to forget you, Danny."
             Danny clenched onto Olivier's fingers, not wanting to let him go. He's not yours anymore, Danny. You broke up with him, remember? Because your father is much more important.
             Olivier knew that if Danny let go, that was it. If their hands fell apart, they were officially over.
             But what if I don't want it to be? Both boys thought.
             Slowly, and reluctantly, Danny let go of Olivier's hand, dropping them finger by finger, until all Olivier felt was air.
              They both didn't say what they had needed to say. Maybe if they did, they would realize that sticking together might be the best thing.
              "Bye, Danny."
              "Bye, Olipop."
               Olivier felt his chest heave once, but he quickly walked away without looking back.
                Not even once.
                Danny knew because he watched Olivier grow smaller and smaller, and smaller, until all that was left was Danny and the chatter of travelers around him. How he felt so alone in a roomfull of people, he didn't know.
                If you really love something, you'd let it go, Delilah's voice echoed in Danny's head. And if it really loves you, it'll come flying back to you!
                Danny felt his face tug up into a slight, soft smile, remembering Delilah's words.
                Let's just hope that Olivier will come flying back to me then, Danny thought as he made his way outside.
                Olivier Laurent will always be my first love, Danny smiled as he entered the limo, knowing that it was an abrupt breakup. But he couldn't change it. And nothing's going to change the fact that he'll always be my first.