The Reason Why

Lux

The next day I totally blow off school. I can't do it. I hang out with Bailey anyways. It isn't like the old times. There is something different. I think I have changed. Grown-up; matured. We talk about the boys that are cute. I try to act happy, but I am never really happy. We talk about years in the past. We laugh a lot, actually she laughs and I fake laugh a lot. I don't tell her about anything that is happening. Just one more day and then she goes home. Somehow, I get through the day. Plenty of drinks, that helped a lot. Alcohol can help anything with just the right amount. By the time we walked home, it was more like her holding me up and me trying to walk. I got really drunk. Haha. I sober up a little bit, but feel depressed so I cut again.

I get to school the next. I have long sleeves on to cover up my new cuts from yesterday and the day before. I got a bad headache and everything is too loud. Badly hung over. Blaine looks at me. He takes my hand and we go inside. He accidently brushes my arm and I jump. He takes my arm and shoves my sleeve up. He looks at my arm like he is going to cry. "I'm sorry I whisper." Without saying anything he walks away. "Blaine, no." I feel like total shit now.

I messed this up so bad. I hate myself. I skip first hour and walk to the park. I get out my cigarettes. Flick my lighter and take a long drag. I see this girl in the distance. She is just standing there. She turns around and starts to walk over. Great. Just what I need. 

"Hey, what are you doing here," she asks kindly. I feel she is popular. 

"Nothing. Just chillin'," I answer.

"Can I have one?" I am a little surprised. Reluctantly, I give her one. "I'm Lux," she grabs my lighter.

"Meegan."

"You go to school here?" 

"Unfortunately. We moved here at the start of the school year." I don't look at her. Don't make eye contact. Don't care about anyone because everyone always lets you down. I broke that rule with Blaine.

"I moved here last week. That is probably why you don't know me. I also get homeschooled. My parents are a little...... weird. They are hippies, but you know it isn't always the worst." 

"That sucks.... I think," I am a little confused.

"Whatever." She shrugges it off like she is used to it. I wish I could shrug stuff off like that.

"Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"Yea, I guess. I skipped. I guess I do it a lot. My parents don't notice it, though." I don't look up. "Don't notice me," I add quietly. 

She looks at me, but I don't look back. I can't make eye contact with her. This is too awful. She puts her had on my leg sympathetically. I jump a little and she looks at me. "I am so sorry," she says. I don't think that she is saying that about my parents. I think she is saying that about what I jumped. 

"I'm sorry too," no one should know what it feels like to just be touched and jump. Maybe she is more like me than I thought. 

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I leave her a little while later and go back to class. It is lunch and I walk to our usual table. Blaine looks at me with the 'what happened?' and I give him a 'tell you later' look. He smiles so no one else notices. I kiss him and sit down. I wonder what it is like not to fake a smile and to actually be happy. It must be different. To actually be happy. 

The bell rings and I get up. Great, class. Just what I want. Blaine drags me to class, which we have together. I go through the rest of the school day. It was fine until the bell rings after 7th hour. I go to my locker, which I am cornered by "them."

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I don't need your attitude," Lisa snaps back.

"Whatever," I try to walk away, but Lisa pushes me back against the lockers.

"Where the hell do you think your going, bitch?" They all laugh. I don't answer, I don't need to, she keeps talking. "What is this?" She grabs the necklace off of my neck and pulls it off. It had the ring that Tay would always wear. "Who gave this to you?"

"No one," I say quietly. I guess she didn't hear me.

"What? I said who gave this to you, bitch?" She says is loud this time and gets closer to me.

"My sister," I say a little louder.

"Where is she?"

"She is dead. She committed suicide less than a year ago." They laugh. I don't get what is so funny.

"Maybe your should join her, bitch." They look me up and down, laugh, then prance away.

I ran home and up to my bedroom. I cried. No one notice, no one cared. I got my blade out. I cut up my arms, up my thighs, all over my stomach. Blood everywhere. It didn't help enough. I text Blaine, "I love you with my heart and soul to death." He answers back, "I love you too." I went to the bathroom. I got out my mom's pills. I didn't care what it was. I got out everything and just started taking them. I took over 30. I got in the bathtub as everything started to turn black. My blinking slowed. I felt tired. It was coming. Death was around the corner. I saw the door open and Blaine rushing in, hugging me. 

"I knew something was not right. You promised not to cut. No please don't leave. Please, don't leave me." He was crying and rocking with me in his arms. He pulled off his phone and dialed 911. That is all I remember until I totally blacked out.