The Reason Why

Would you kiss a girl whose wrists have kissed a knife?

I walking down the hall and into the mini Subway. I get a BLT and a veggie delighted for mom and I. Dad took Braden home, but I stayed. Its funny how suicide runs in the family. First Taylor, them mom almost did, now I kinda wana. I hear my phone been and look to See a "we need to talk" text From Blain. I give mom her sandwich and we eat together in silence. Dad comes and I go. We are both still in shock I think. I text Blain back and say I am on my way.
I go to our normal place, behind the school in "the pit." Its named that cause, well, its a pit and everyone goes there to smoke and stuff. Our teachers don't care about used all so it works. Every once in a while a student will get busted so it looks like they are doing stuff. We never meet at Blain's house cause, well, you know.
"Hey." Blain says as I walking up to him, "how's your mom?"
"As good as a suicidal 50-year old can get, I guess. She hasn't said anything about it to dad and I, but I guess she is still a little high."
"Oh."
"What did you want to talk to me about?"
"Um... Well I guess I have been thinking a lot. And uh there is no way to say this. But uh-" He leaned down and kissed me. If felt good. It felt real. It felt like something I could hold on forever.
We kissed and when we were finished he looked at me a little scared to see my response. I didn't have anything to say so I went up in my tip-tose and kissed him again. This time he smiled.
"I needed that." I said
"I did too"
We started walking to his house holding hands. He looked so perfect with his dyed black hair with the street light on it. His arm brushed up against mine. I flinched a little. My wrist was still soar. Blain grabbed my arm and looked at it. His face saddened and a tear rolled down his cheek.
"When-?" he asked.
"A couple days ago."
"Why?"
I looked at him and broke out in years. I flew into his arms and just cried for like 5 minutes. It was what I needed. We turned around and went back to the pit.
"You didn't know me before, but I was one of them. I was girly and slutty and popular. My best friend got caught one day with Marijuana and got sent to Juvy. The year after she came back. I found my sister had some too. They dated until she got sent to Juvy.  Im guessing when she came back she gave some to my sister and they smoke it together. Then she killed herself. My mom is suicidal and she is popping pills. I don't know what to do Anymore."
"Cutting yourself isn't the answer." He looked like he might cry. I grabbed his hand and threaded my finger through his. I lay my head down on his shoulder and we just stood there in the moment. I knew he was crying and know he was trying to be tough so I didnt say anything.
We waked home not saying anything. When I got home I went right upstairs and lay on my bed. Just laying there. Not doing anything. Not crying. Not thinking. Not blinking. Just starring at the ceiling. I sat up abruptly and screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Good: My crush kissed me. Bad: I messed up and cut myself. Bad: he hated me for it. I thought about cutting again but that's how this started. I screamed again and lay back down. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I cried. I cried and cried. Not because I was sad but because I was mad. Mad at myself. Argh.

The next day I got up. Another day. I just want to sleep forever. I got dressed. I put on my Green Day tee and black pants with holes in the knees. I put my pocket knife in my pockets and my ear buds in the other one. I put on my plaid shirt over the top. I put my pack of camel's in the breast pocket of it. Just cause school is stressful. I just need something to calm my nerves.
I brushed my hair and teeth then walked downstairs. "Morning honey," my dad said to me. I knodded back. He gave me my piece of toast and I left.
"Bye," I said as I closed the door. I slung my backpack every shoulder that I took on the way out. I walked around the corner and then down a black. I stopped and lit a cigarette. I walked and smoked until I got a black away from school. I stopped and took one last long drag. Blew out the little piece of heaven I have in my life then put it out on the bottom if my shoe. I walked over to the "the pit" and to meet up with Blain.
"Hey there beautiful." Blain said as I walked up. I gave him a quick kiss. We held hands and talked to our friends until the bell rang. I walked into my first class, math. Argh. Then second, third, and fourth. Lunch finally Came and I was so glad. I stunk from PE but I didnt care too much. No one liked me in this school, but I am better then I was at my old school, I think. I sit down with Blain and we start talking, then I heard a voice. I recognized it. No one had a vioce like it. I turned around and screamed.
"BAILEY!!!!!!"
"Meegan?!?" she stared at me.
"What?"
"Y-you are so..... Goth. Think black eyeliner, black hair, black pants, black converse, black shirt.... Who is Green Day anyways?"
"WHAT?!? WHO IS GREEN DAY? THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS SAYING WHO IS BLACK VEIL BRIDES!!!"
She kinda just stared at me like what?
"Anyways how are you?" She changed the subject.
"I'm doing okay. This is my fr-boyfriend Blain."
"Awe you two are totes adorbs together! You can still go to the club tonight though right?"
"Oh um I don't do that anymore."
"What do you do on your spare time then?" she looked confused.
"We hang out and talk and listen to music."
"Oh..."
"Hey babe wana skip the rest and hang out?" I gave him "the look"
"uh yea I guess sure."
"Okay!" she said looking more excited and a little worried.
We finished eating and left. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it. I gave one to Blain and he lit his. Bailey looked stunned. "You are going to ruin your reputation just to smoke?"
"In case you haven't noticed, no one cares about us. We are just the "emojis depressed freaks" Blain answered for me.
"Oh that's so awefu-"
"Bailey cut the shit. We used to be like that. Why did you come here? Why are you lying? And what the hell is wrong with you?"
"I came to see you, I'm not lying, and I don't know what you mean." I gave her a look like 'seriously?'
"Okay I am here because was called by your brother. He was worried about you. He didnt want you to become like Tay. I am sorry I was just surprised by you when I saw you. From now on the truth and I don't know what you mean still."
"You haven't changed AT ALL!"
"Yea?"
"I thought you would have at least changed your hair."
"It worked well for me in the past." whatever I lot it go and shrugged.

We walked to the park and put out our cigs. We talked and it got dark. Blain walked Bailey and me home. I kissed him goodnight and told him when we were alone "If anything happens texting me and I will be there in five minutes"
"Okay. Bye"
I showered then Bailey did. By the time she came in I was in bed and fake sleeping. I can never sleep now a days. Bailey finally went to bed and I snuck out for a smoke then stayed out until it stared to get light again. The darkness is my light. I got back in and Bailey woke up. We got ready and I went to school. I don't know what she did. Same day as the last. Oh yea that's everyday. My life is a boring depressed life. Only things that happens seem to turn bad. I got home that night and cut. I cut again and again and again. I cried while I cut and the blood ran down my arms.

I hate my life.