The Reason Why

I Give Up

I walked home from school and saw my sister sitting on the steps of our house. "Are you okay? What happened?" I asked, worried.

She looks up at me. Her tear stained face was red and her eyes were puffy. "Nothing, I am fine." I know she isn't fine. These girls have been on her, teasing and pushing her, but she doesn't want me to tell mom and dad. I don't know why, but she is my best friend, so I won't. 

"Honey, I know your not okay," I hug her and she melted in my arms. She full out cried and told me everything that happened. I needed to get her mind off of the situation, so after she told me everything, I decided we should go bowling. Now, bowling with Tay and I isn't normal bowling. One round we bowl between the legs, then the next with a 20 pound ball... You get what I am saying. By the time we were finished she was laughing that beautiful laugh. People get her down because of how she dresses, who she hangs out with, and the music she listens to, but to be totally honest, just because she wears black doesn't mean anything. She has the most colorful mind. 

We get home and mom opens her mouth to say some thing, but I give her a look that tells her not too. She just hugs us and says dinner is ready.

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The next day I come home from school and Tay isn't home. I didn't think too much from it, but two hours later she still isn't there. That's odd. I grab my jacket and hat and run out. I start out walking, but slowly find myself jogging, finally sprinting. "TAY!" I yell, "TAY!" 

After running for a while I come to a bridge. At first I didn't see anyone, but as I came closer I start d to make out an image. Dark brown hair flowing in the wind; black covering the body. "TAY!" I screen, tears streaming down my face. The body turns around. "Tay! No, what are you doing?!"

"I can't do it anymore. I give up, I am useless and my only purpose in life is to annoy people. I give up, I'm sorry. Please know this is not your fault." With that she leans back and I rush to the railing. She falls, but I grab her arm just in time. She sees my face and whispers 'let me go,' but I could never. I pull her up, over the railing and I embrace her in a hug. 

"Promise me, never again. You are my best friend. You are here for many reasons. It may not seem like it now, but you are. I promise."

Tay grabs her backpack and starts walking home. Up the hill, and through the yellowed trees. "Tay? Do you want to talk about it or something?"

"No, just leave me alone." I see her light a cigarette and keep walking by herself, never looking back. I don't know why she does that to herself. To be honest I have always been jealous of Tay. She is so pretty, smart, and she doesn't care what others think. Everything comes natural to her. I struggle to keep my grades above C's and she has straight A's without even trying. I take hours in the morning to try and get somewhat pretty, but she can just wake up and walk out the door looking more beautiful than I ever could. If someone doesn't like the way she dresses, she just walks away, but I hate the way I dress. The only reason I dress the way I do is because all of my friends like it. If I don't dress like this, I won't be popular, but Tay doesn't care if she is popular.

I try to jog and keep up with her, but she walks fast. I catch up to her, but she stares straight ahead and takes a long drag off of her cigarette. We walk in silence for a couple minutes until Tay finally speaks. "Want a drag?" She asks. I feel disgusted with the idea of smoking, but maybe she will talk and connect with me more if I do. I take the cigarette and try not to breathe it in. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but the aftertaste made me gag a little.

I gave it back to Tay and she asked if it was my first time. I thought about lying, but lying to my best friend just didn't seem right. "Yea, how did you know?" 

"You gagged a little." She chuckled at the thought, "Why'd you do it?"

"I dunno," I lied. Now you may be wondering why I lied about this, but lying about smoking wasn't okay. Well, first of all this is to make me not sound weird. 'Oh Tay, I did it for you. I just want to talk to me more. Please Tay, Please.' That sounds weird. Second, the first one got us talking, while the second one would keep us talking. If I told her the truth, we'd go back to silence. I figured this was better than silence.

"Sure, whatever. If you don't wana tell me, fine."

"What? Tay, I am telling the truth. Why do you think I would do it?"

"To be cool. You want to brag to all of you little friends that you smoked and they will all worship you. Whatever, it's fine."

"No! Tay, to tell you the truth, and I mean it this time, I did it for you. I want you to talk to me. You mean so much to me and I feel you are withholding information about what is going on with you from me." Tay suddenly stopped. I saw a tear fall from her face and land on her cheek. I could tell she didn't want to cry, but she couldn't hold it in.

I grabbed her and pulled her close into me. "It is okay, it is going to be okay," I promised.

When we let go of each other, we started walking again. "The girls... a-at school," she pauses for a long moment then takes a deep breath. "They call me names. They say I am a faggot and that I shouldn't be here. They kick me and push me. The teachers see it and they don't care. THe kids circle around us and laugh at me. I tried telling the counselor, but she didn't care. They say I should die because the only use I have is to be laughed at." She starts to bawl again.

"Oh my god. Tay... I-I never knew that school was that bad for you. Tay I promise I will help you. I will." I take her hand and we walk in silence again. This time it wasn't a weird silence, but rather a silence of love. I knew she was there for me and she knew I was there for her... at least I thought.

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I woke up the next morning and we walked to school together. We parted when she went with her friend and I was my "friends." I waved to her and left her. If I knew that would be the last time I saw her, I would have done more.

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This all flashed back to me as I sat in the bathroom floor. I must have been there for a while because I heard the bell ring for second period. I stood up because I knew girls would be coming in soon. I went to my locker and I grabbed my stuff. I couldn't be here, how could I show my face? My side hurt like crap and I had a headache from being pushed into the wall. I want to know why they do it to me? Am I really THAT pathetic? Am I really THAT annoying? Maybe I should just die. Well, I even suck at doing just that. 

I light a cigarette and decide that I am just going to sleep. That's all I wanna do, sleep. I hope I never wake up. I get some cough syrup and down the whole bottle. Shit. I see that the girl from the park texted me. Whatever, like she cares about me. I drift off as Kurt Cobain sings me to sleep and my purple drapes drifting in the cool breeze.