My world...

Just listen!

I was hearing the same song over and over again all the afternoon as the conversation with mom was repeating in my head.

When i arrived at home mom was waiting for me. In her face her anxiety was obvious. I wished she wouldn't make a big issue. Then i took a minute and before i said anything two policemans walked down the stairs. Holly shit!  I thought. This was defenately gonna be the end of me.-Anna where have you been? Shouted mom. And before i understood it she was hugging me tight, as if i was going to leave again. Maybe runing away could be a good idea but i had to stay and face this humiliation. -Mom, i'm ok. The two officers looked each other with that look: not again! I guess they face this in daily basis. -Well i suppose our work is done here. As for you young lady... He was strugling to be serious and strict but he seemed to be opposed to what he was going to say.   ... next time you better inform your parents whether you are taking a walk. -Ok. It was the best answer i could find that wouldn't make me seem even more silly. - Thank you officers. My mom accompanied them to the door. When they left she looked at me. Her eyes were red due to crying.

-Anna, i think that you don't understand the norms of this house. I have told you a thousand times you inform me about your walks, your school projects, you should even let me know about your movements after this incident. - Should i inform you when i'm breathing?   -Propably! - Mom... -You don't get it! -Mom... - You could have been killed. -Mom! Just, just listen. Ok? I went for a walk i needed to take some fresh air. Would you rather me to be agressive and never express my anger? -Oh, i guess not. But you can't just leave without informing.- And you just can't force me to stay home. You are pressuring me i need space. And maybe now and then some freedom. You now it's my right! I'll grow roots in this house because you are over-protecting. -You can't blame me for being a concerned parent.- You know what i can blame you for everything else. You are responsible for this. If you weren't so terrified of the world you wouldn't try to protect me from something that doesn't exist. Therefore i wouldn't have this escape willing all the time. -You know why i am afraid. There are monsters out there and you know that. I don't need to lose another part of my family. -Oh, come on! You are really gonna use dad's death in one more failed attempt to excuse your fear? -Your dad was murdered. -My dad was killed. And i know some terrible people who are still out there did it but that doesn't mean that i'm going to die. Dad was killed because he had a history with those guys. I don't. -yeah, but you can't walk around all by yourself. -If you knew me even a little you would know i lose track of time as easy as writing a word. And it happens all the time. It happend during the practice. Coach won't let me play at the championship. That's why i went for a run. And there i lost track of time again. -Well if you can't play then maybe you should reconsider the possibillity of quiting tennis. -Mom it's basketball for god's shake and i'm not quiting. Really mom, i turn around and alli see is FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE. And you don't help at all. Instead you ask me to stop fighting for what i love?! You are asking me to stop living?! I went running to my room up the stairs and locked the door. Mom followed me and tried to explain, i guess, but i just put my headphones on vollumed up the song and sit on the floor by the window while i let my tears drop. It was a cloudy day. Now the rain finally fall to the ground in addition with mine tears.

It's been one hour since the argueand i was still there siting on the cold floor.My back was upon the frozen wall of this old house. Iwas no more crying but my mind was still trying to prccess my mom's behaviour. Not only did she brought up dad --an "injury" that haven't been cured yet-- she also suggest me quiting basketball. Basketball! It was the only thing that kept me on earth after dad's death. I was siting there, my mind was still thinking but my body was frozen. I just stayed tere while downstairs mom was getting ready to go to bed. As if nothing had happend. As i felt the cold, old walli realised how old this house should be. I also felt that by touching it, was making me part of it. Suddently i felt tired. Tired of carring all this weight. This heavy weight of responsibillity all these years, when i should be playing, doing foolish things as i am still young. But i never did. I always tried todo my best and hold this familly together. After dad's death mom was devostatedand i was the one who held us together and kept everything else at a bay just to give her time to get over it. Itried so hard, i tried to help her, but that wasn't enough. Iwas always the careless kid that never understood. But that was far from the truth. Not only did i understand, i also managed to move a step ahead and and deal with it. But my mom never achieved that. And she is still leaving under the fear, of life. 

I heard a knock at the door and my body start moving again. I didn't stand up though, I couldn't. I sit and wait. -Anna? I'm going to bed. Anna, please, understand me. I am just concerned. Maybe a bit over protective but i only do it having in mind protecting you. Please.  Understand me.            Understand her? What?

-What are you saying mom? I'm a kid it's not my job to worry,to keep us together, to understand. However i did it. These past two years all i did was struggling to keep us together, connected as a unit. And i understood, i unerstand. I worried about you. I deal with it through the difficult way. Afterwards, i grappled with your depression, i did my best to make it as easy as i could. But now i see that i failed. You never managed to deal with the reality. I fail in one more thing in my life. Thanks. But right now i'm too tired to stand up. I can't reach the bed which is three meters away. I barely talk to you. Helping you is impossible. I'm sorry mom, i am tired. But you have to get through it. The difficult way as i did. You'll make it. Good night.