12 Last Words

The First Goodbye

Hospital beds are so unyielding. I might have tried to see if the floor was more comfortable if it wasn't so gross. I felt confined. There is only so many times you can roll over in bed, only so many television shows to watch, and only so much patience I could muster.

 The doctor walked in now, hopefully with news the will allow him to release me from my confinement. I haven't saw Bryant in two days as he was in Greenville with his family. He offered to come back to be with me but I told him it was fine. But today he would come home and I wanted to go see him. 

The doctor flipped open the file folder and pulled some charts and statistics from the multitude of tests I had been subjected too. My parents pulled their chairs closer as we waited for news. The doctor looked at us with his poker face steady and said, "I am going to be frank. The tests have concluded that you have lung cancer. We will be performing another test to specify what stage tomorrow and we will start chemo Tuesday." 

Hearing this news my parents started the flow of tears that would consistently run through my life for the next year.  That was the diagnosis. I didn't say much, I nodded my head, cried a little myself and listened to the doctor as he continued speaking. 

The moment he left I told my parents that I needed some time and sat for an hour staring around the room looking for anything I could use to reverse time, instantly cure me, or some how change the test's outcome. After the numbness wore off I called Bryant I told him that I needed him, that I was in room 233 and that I loved him. 

***

It took another hour after the diagnosis for Bryant to get to the hospital. He showed up with a smile and a bouquet of my favorite flower. Yellow amaryllis . Seeing my tear induced state, red face, running nose and wet cheeks the smile slid away and he came to hug me and wipe my tears.

We sat together in silence, curled up in each other's arms until he finally found the courage to ask about my predicament. "What did you find out?" He said in a voice just above a whisper.  I answered by tucking my head into his chest.

"Come on Dell, what's going on?" I looked up and into his eyes, "It's cancer." Those two words caused a flash of panic in his eyes. Nothing else was said until we ran out of visiting hours. With a goodnight and a quick peck, Bryant was gone.

***

The next weeks were occupied by chemo. Sickness, pain, and my parents tears were the daily guests. Bryant visited me after school everyday that first week of treatment. But slowly his visits dwindled, his texts grew vague, and our conversations dulled. On the last day of January he came by after a week of not visiting. He shook the snow off of his head, took off his shoes and walked to me. There was no greeting, no kiss as he walked into my room only a somber stare. 

"I'm sorry." He said licking his lips and fidgeting his fingers. "I haven't been around lately and haven't been the kind of boyfriend you deserve. But just because you're sick doesn't mean the world stops yeah know? I can't be here 24/7 Dell. You understand." I turned away from him and watched the snow fall outside my window. 

"The world doesn't stop Bryant. I sure the hell know that. I understand you cannot be here 24/7, and I would never ask that of you. " I paused, took a deep breath in and continued. "I ask that you visit me in between your schedule. I ask that you return my calls. I ask that you support me. "

"Della, look i'm sorry but my life isn't ending. I have a lot of important things to deal with." Bryant looked at me with pleading eyes begging me to understand.

"Lots of important things to deal with..." I pondered that, "and my illness doesn't make that list?" Tears welled in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. 

"Dell, I have senior year to finish and sports scholarship that could be taken away if I'm not on my game. Don't you want me to be successful?" I had nothing to say to Bryant after that. "Look Della, I'm sorry I already told you that I was. I can't be here and keep up my life too. I'm sorry I just can't. I don't have time."

I looked at him, feeling the same numbness as when I was given my diagnosis. " I didn't have time either. But I don't get a choice. This is my life now and I don't think I have the energy to maintain this relationship. Goodbye Bry."

He looked at me slowly and turned to slip on his shoes and walk out the door. He got what he came for. His freedom.