Crying For Help

Chapter Six

Bo's P.O.V.

Brandon's question rung through out my mind, why don't I ever try to be happy? That's what he asks, I didn't want to give him a long answer so I said this, "I'm afraid.. I'm afraid to be happy.." Thomas turned his head to the side while Brandon talked, "How can you be afraid to be happy?" "Trust me, I've tried to be happy.. and I've succeeded.."

I could be the happiest person in the world. I might've been at one point, but I've given up on trying.. because whenever I got too happy something bad always happened, I acted like such a happy person, but deep down I wasn't.. I know people have it worse than me and I'm selfish for thinking this way, but I still have troubles of my own."

Brandon and Thomas were silent, processing what I just said. "I think I know how you feel.." Thomas spoke, I resisted the urge to go off on him, "Do you though? How do you feel?" He answered one simple word, "Depressed." I shook my head, "People think depression is sadness, crying, dressing in black, but people are wrong -" "Isn't it just crying and sadness though? Because that's what I feel and that's what I want to do.. all the time."

"No, that's sadness, depression is the constant feeling of being numb, to emotions, to lies. Waking up in the morning to just go back to sleep again. Days aren't really days anymore; they're just annoying obstacles that needed to be faced, how do you face them? Through.. well, we each have our own ways, when you're depressed, you clamp onto anything that can get you through the day.

"That's what depression is, it's not sadness or tears, it's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you go from one day to the next. It's also kinda like drowning and you can see every around you breathing." I adjusted how I was sitting, clamping the end of my hoodie sleeves. Brandon just stared at the ground while Thomas sighed, "That must suck.." "It does." Brandon looked up, and I knew he was gonna have something to say.

"So.. you're depressed.. or are you just.. sad.." I wanted to leave, feeling like they both were getting too much in my personal life. I didn't want anyone around, I just wanted to be alone, but I decided to stay. "I'm not sure.. I'm not sad.. I'm not exactly happy either.. well, actually I'm just kinda here.. just existing.. so, I guess I'm depressed.." Thomas sat down, "So.. can't I help you.. like, get out of depression.. and why haven't anyone else tried?"

"Depression isn't just a phase.. it isn't just something you can get out of.. it takes time.. like I said, it's like screaming for help when nobody hears, or falling apart.. and nobody notices. And why hasn't anyone tried? I don't think they noticed, well they don't care anyway. One day I just woke up and stopped smiling, thinking someone would ask what was wrong, but no one ever did." All three of us remained silent for a while, just sitting there and thinking.

"Why do people commit suicide?" Brandon asked. "Why are you asking me this? Why do you all of a sudden want to know all this? Brandon, I'm not gonna hold it against you, but I know you don't wanna have anything to do with me and I don't blame you, but why are you asking me things like I know the answer, even if I do?" Brandon was speechless, not sure on what to say. It looked like he was trying to find the perfect words.

"I don't know I guess.." He finally ended up saying, but then after a moment of silence he said, "I guess it's just things I've been wanting to know the answers to and.. you just seem like the person who would know." I nodded, "Okay, I guess that makes sense.. but I don't feel like I should answer that.." Brandon nodded, and I knew by the look on his face he was about to ask another question.

He opened his mouth as if he was gonna say something but changed his mind, "I have to go." I looked at him weirdly, but kinda happy, like, it's not against him or anything, I just wanna be alone and I don't feel comfortable around people or answering the questions. "Me, too." Thomas spoke, I nodded, just kinda playing with the blades of grass around me. "Bye." Thomas and Brandon said, leaving me alone.