Hidden Demons

Thoughts

I rolled out of the bed in Niall's guest bedroom and stretched my arms up high, enjoying the satisfying cracks of my bones.

The British sun was already starting to peek through the shut blinds. I smiled, enjoying the sunshine. It was rare to wake up to sunlight now as Christmas drew closer and mornings grew even more darker than usual.

I lazily rubbed my face and ran a heavy hand through my tousled bed hair. Today was the sound check for our Wembley concert.

I had taken a turn for the worse at the end of our Take Me Home tour which resulted in us having to cancel our last concert. We couldn't just completely erase the concert and the fans didn't want their money back all they wanted was to see us perform. We came to the conclusion that we would have to postpone it until I was better. More stable. It's going to be unusual, singing our old songs whilst our new album is out with our brand new songs. The Where We Are tour starts in January and I'm both excited and nervous. Excited for the road life, living in the tour bus and travelling to so many different countries but there's also the fact that the tour brought so much stress to me last time resulting in me to just lose it.

I shake my head, trying to shake off the anxiety that is starting to grow in the pit of my stomach.

I look around Niall's stylish guest bedroom and I can't help but feel a slither of envy. I had had to sell up my apartment which i had shared with Eleanor after my break down. Eleanor had tried to kindly and innocently break up with me but I knew that deep down she was scared. She must have had enough of my mood swings, I can only imagine how tiring it must've been for her living with me. It still hurt though, to watch her walk out of my life when it was possibly the most important time that I needed her to be there for me.

I wasn't allowed to live alone the doctors had said. Just while my body was slowly adjusting to the medication and while I needed comfort. I'd moved back in with my family. It was only now as I sat on the huge king size bed in the large room with peace and quiet surrounding me did I realise how much fun it is to live alone. Sure I loved staying with my family but everyone needs some alone time to breathe and think.

My envy is directed at the fact he can have this lovely sleek flat whilst I have to bunk with him whilst we stay in London. I'm a grown man with no actual home of my own. It's pitiful and pathetic.

I bite my lip and try not to cry.

That's been happening a lot lately. Apparently it's normal and I'm not to be ashamed if I ever feel emotional or overwhelmed.

With a huge sigh I push the cozy duvet away and stand up. I pick up my grey joggers from my open suitcase and slip them on before stepping out into the hall.

I can vaguely here music coming from the direction of the kitchen and what appears to be the noise of sizzling.

I step into the kitchen and mind Niall humming along to the radio whilst lazily flipping pancakes and bacon simultaneously in separate pans.

Impressed I arch an eyebrow.

"I didn't know you could cook up such an intricate meal" I joke, making Niall jump comically.

He spins around and a smile slowly spreads across his handsome and boyish features.

"Ya scared me, Lou!" He breathes then reaches over to ruffle me already very messy hair, "You're up early!"

I hike myself up onto a stool by the breakfast bar.

"I am?" I frown realising I'm not even aware of the time.

"Yeah, it's only 8:00am, ya could've slept for another hour!" He laughs whilst dishing up breakfast, "I was just gonna leave you some breakfast in the fridge"

He passes me a plate and the bottle of maple syrup.

"Why, where are you off too?" I ask, reaching over for a glass and the carton of Tropicana.

He's already showered and dressed. Cotton shorts, even in this cold month, Nike trainers, a navy jumper and a red SnapBack to tie in the red tick in his shoes.

"Just a quick run before we have to leave for sound check" he tells me whilst shovelling a forkful of food in his mouth.

"When did you start to run?" I wonder aloud and then take a bite of pancake and bacon.

He shrugs, "A while back"

I nod and try to focus on eating as I realise how much everyone's moved on and changed whilst I've been away for five months. Niall used to be just as lazy, if not lazier, than me. The only exercise you'd ever catch me doing was playing football whereas Niall would nearly pass out from just running up the stairs. My mind flashes back to yesterday and how toned his arms looked poking out from his t-shirt.

I slouch sadly as I realise how good they all look. The band must be looking so good just now and now I'm coming back and I'm going to ruin it all. I'm skinny and unfit, my hair is longer and most days I leave it in it's naturally messy nest upon my head or somedays when I give a toss (there hasn't been many of them recently) I'll push it backwards with some gel.

It's evident I don't belong in the band anymore. They've all grown up so much and I feel as if I'm the youngest in the band, not at all the oldest.

Niall notices my uneasy quietness and takes a pause in chewing.

"You alright?" He asks tentatively, lowering his fork and placing it down on the table.

I snap out of my daze and force a smile, "I'm great, why? Are you okay?"

He gives me a stern look before pursing his lips like he's thinking, "why don't you come a run with me?"

My eyebrows shoot up and I chuckle before continuing in eating my breakfast.

After a while I realise Niall is still looking at me.

"I'm being serious" he says in a deadpan tone.

"Niall, I wouldn't be able to run down the bloody stairs without passing out!" I tell him in disbelief at the thought that he actually believes I could honestly go a run with him and keep up. My words jolt me as I realise he was in the same positive not long ago.

"Don't be stupid, Lou" he takes a long swig of his orange juice then stands up, "now come on, you have ten minutes before we're leaving. And I'm dragging you with me whether your dressed or not"

With that he leaves the room.

I groan.

Exercise.