Living While Dead

Prologue

I quietly shut my apartment door and slide down to the floor.

tears prick my eyes and threaten to spill.

*flashback*

the concrete was icy cold as I laid there for a second.

her high pitched laugh shrieking above me

"what a freak!" she said. "I cant believe she bumped into me. and claims it was an 'accident'. more like a call for attention. the way she's late all the time and is 'shy'? such a faker. such an attention whore." her little clique laughed with her just as meanly.

I started to get up, but as Marlay passed by she pushed me down again and one side of my face slammed into the concrete.

pain flashed through my left cheek and forehead. followed by a warm sticky feeling. blood.

I got to my knees, but kept down until everyone had left for class.

the blood started seeping down my forehead and into my eye. I tried to wipe it away, but it just smeared more.

I pulled my bag up onto my shoulder and ran home.

*end of the flashback*

 I searched my pockets. nothing.

I go to my bathroom and yank open one of the drawers.

I picked up one of the beautiful, shiny pieces of metal.

I shed my jeans and sat down on the cool tiled floor.

took a deep breath and pressed the blade into my thigh, then dragged it across.

I gasped as I felt pain.

*flashback*

I smelled the alcohol in her breath as she screamed at me.

"you worthless bitch! you did what?!"

"I-I bought a sketch p-pad a-and paints..." I stuttered. my mother raised her hand and I cringed and closed my eyes.  

my cheek stung. I resisted the urge to feel the damage with my hands.

"that was money for food!" she screamed. "i don't know if you've noticed but we are almost broke! and you spend my hard earned money on a SKETCH PAD AND PAINTS?! you are a selfish bitch!!! a worthless weakling!!! I couldn't even make any money selling your body because your so fucking ugly and fat!!!"

a single tear managed to slip down my cheek. my mother's voice turned into a sneer.

"aw, and now you crying about it. well, get over it. life's not here to serve you." she walked away, slamming my bedroom door closed. I heard a click as she locked me in my room.

"better if you died. be doing the world a favor. " she mumbled.

tears started flowing faster.

I had no way to cope...

no way to let my emotions out.

I logged onto my laptop and googled,

"how to self harm the first time."

*end of flashback*

I dragged the razor blade along my leg again and again.

tears from emotional pain and physical pain alike flowing down my cheeks, mixing with the blood that seeped from my cuts.

the skin around them puffed, red like wine. 

the blood beaded up, perfectly in a crimson dotted line.

it tingled and burned at first, but then it felt good. so that's only the worst.

my body was in pain, but my mind at ease. it felt so good and my mind asked for one more cut please.

one turns to two and two to four, at this point I just keep cutting more.

there's no stopping myself from the warmness flowing though. everyone else is happy, why cant I be too?

the blood started to drip, and rolled down my skin.

and a smile appeared on my lips from with in.

*flashback*

I adjusted the ice on my eye, glancing in the mirror. it was starting to blacken.

just another reason to run away...

I glanced in my small bag again.

I had 2000 dollars saved up. anorexia and lying about buying things for 3 years had finally paid off, I had saved enough money.

my only other set of clothes was folded in the bag, too. along with my lighter, razor blade, and scissors.

I listened carefully from my bed, covered in my thin patchwork blanket to hide my regular clothes.

I heard my mom stumble into our apartment, obviously drunk. she was never the same after dad died in the accident... blames me for I was able to walk away while my daddy died. if you call six weeks in the hospital and a three day coma being able to walk away.

I shook my head from those thoughts.

I held my breath as she stumbled to my door and tried to open it. letting out a string of curses when she found it was locked. I heard a terrifying thump on it and I hoped she wouldn't break down the door again.

a sigh of relief when I heard footsteps heading toward her bedroom.

I waited five minutes for her to fall into drunken unconsciousness.

I snuck out of my bedroom and left a letter on the kitchen counter.

"mother, you've been right the entire time.

I am a mistake, a worthless pathetic, ugly bitch.

the world would be better off without me.

I'm sorry I lived when daddy died.

I've gone to join him.

-Alexandriana"

I crept out of the apartment and broke into an all out run. my backpack banging against my back as I ran toward the train station.

I was going to live.

real freedom, not surviving under her.

*end of flashback*

the tears slow and so does the bleeding.

tiredness from crying and lack of blood wash over me.

I drag myself to my bed and fall asleep.