Living While Dead

Chapter 3: Beginning of My End

weeks passed slowly and Ryder and I grew closer and slowly became close friends.

 I got ready for school, skipping past my empty kitchen with out anything to eat.

I managed to get to school without passing out.  

I hadn't been late to school but once since Marlay made fun of me for it.  

I stumbled to behind the gym where Ryder and I always met before school.  

But I heard many voices as I approached. More than normal.  

I hid behind a wall and listened to what was happening.  

"what are you doing back here, huh?"  

"I-I'm waiting f-for someone..."  

"who, ya little slut?! Is it the prostitute boy that always hangs out in the library?"  

Laughter.  

"no. And he's not a prostitute..."  

"what was that? I couldn't hear your royal shyness."  

"I said he's not a prostitute! Stop being awful!"  

"oh, we're being awful? We're being awful? Said the girl who dropped us for the cutter freak!"  

Silence for a moment.  

"h-how did you know she c-cut herself?"  

"why would you care? Unless...ohmagawd, no. Unless, you're a cutter freak too!"  

"strip her of her jacket."  

"no!" a pleading voice.  

I heard sounds of fighting and I took the chance to look at what was happening.  

Marlay and her clique had Ryder surrounded and backed up against a wall.  

Two of the girls were taking Ryder's jacket off.  

I watched as she twisted and the bottom of her shirt lifted up a few inches on one side.  

Her fresh cuts clearly visible.  

Marlay began to laugh as the two girls pinned Ryder up against the brick wall.  

"poor little Rydiliana, poor little bitch." Marlay walked right up to her and tugged her shirt up so everyone could see the self harm.  

Everyone laughed.  

Someone dug through Ryder's bag and found her blades.  

Marlay took one in her perfectly manicured hands.  

She walked antagonizingly slowly up to Ryder, readied the blade and slashed Ryder's pinned arm.  

Tears started to flow down her cheeks.  

"but, Rydiliana. I thought you liked the pain." she sneered.  

They all laughed and walked away.  

Ryder fell from the wall and lay crumpled in a ball on the cold concrete.  

I slowly approached her and knelt down.  

"what happened?" I asked, in whispered shock. I reached out to touch and maybe do something about her arm that was pouring blood.  

But the second my fingertips touched her, she jerked away and gave me a look of pure hatred.  

"don't ever talk to me again!" she cried, and jerked to her feet and stumbled away.

rejection slowly made its way through the shock. Ryder is...well was my best friend... and now, now she didn't want anything to do with me. not that I could blame her, her biggest secret was now in the hands of our bullies. they had gone through her stuff and found her blades and cut her.

I hated myself for watching it happen and not doing anything.

I was such an ugly, fat, worthless coward.

I sat there next to the wall for sometime.

a waste of space that brought everyone around me down. I deserved to be beaten and abused.

"Alexandriana Derosa to the counselor's office."

I was a useless, weak piece of shit. a bitch for even thinking I could have any friends.

"Alexandriana Derosa to the counselor's office."

recognition began to creep its way into my brain and I slowly stood up and began walking mechanically to the counselor's office. dread and fear filled my stomach.

"ms. Alexandriana. please take a seat." her cold voice demanded.

"do you know why your here?" I shook my head slightly, still slow to comprehend.

 "someone reported to me that you physically harmed a student on school grounds. ringing any bells?"

I stared blankly in confusion, racking my brain for anything. the counselor huffed loudly.

"i got a report you sliced Rydiliana's arm open!"

my mouth fell open.

"so you don't deny it?" the counselor accused.

"what?! no... no, id never-" I stuttered. "Marlay and her clique did it! not me!"

the counselor gasped.

"Marlay is a straight A student involved in many community service projects. and you choose her to falsely accuse of something like this?" she said in disbelief.

"you seriously believe she's a goody goody?!" I stood up.

"don't call students goody-"

"she's probably the biggest bully at this school! she's been tormenting me since middle school! she's only a straight A student because she forces all the smart, intelligence girls and guys to do her work for her! she's been bullying Ryder since she came to the school, simply because she befriended me." I stood up and almost passed out, falling to my knees.

I took a deep breath and rose to my feet again.

when was the last time I ate...? I couldn't remember.

the counselor pretended not to notice my collapse and ignored my out burst.

"once we find Rydiliana and confirm this, you will have to face the consequences. we're talking at least suspension from school. perhaps even expulsion."

"THIS SCHOOL SYSTEM IS CORRUPT!" I screamed and ran out of the office.

she followed a few paces calling after me.

but I didn't stop.

I ran out of the front doors and all the way to my cruddy apartment I could barely afford.

I ran into my bedroom and fractically began to slice my limbs with a new blade. i searched the aparment for it.....

then to my closet....

then I found it, as blood poured off my arms and legs.

I went to the kitchen area and looked up at the ceiling fan.

my movements were sure and steady as I took my long thin scarf and tied a noose an hung it off the fan.

I climbed up on a stool and slipped the noose over my head.

I kicked the stool out from under me.

the scarf tightened around my neck, cutting off my air supply.

a minute passed and my lungs screamed for air.

I watched my blood pour off my limbs and pool on the hardwood floor beneath me.

my vision darkened.

I felt the world slipping...

I greeted the darkness of death with open arms...

only one thing pierced my dying peace.

one word.

one voice.

"Alex!"