Alone (On Hold!)

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Suddenly my eyes opened to a seemingly unfamiliar sight, but as my eyes focused I remembered I was in Dustin's room.  It had been two months since we met at that party and we had been hooking up pretty frequently since then.  We never discussed our status and we never talked at school.  I had broken almost every rule with Dustin and it surprised me, but of the few rules I kept, I made sure to never break them.  My head was resting on his nicely sculpted chest and as it moved up and down, I could hear his heart beat.  His arms were wrapped around my bare body, his heat radiating through me, keeping me warm.  I felt an urge to kiss his chest or some other part of his body, but I resisted and rolled onto my back, carefully lifting Dustin's arm off me, and got of his bed to get dressed.  I tiptoed around the room, retrieving my clothes from around the room, and putting them on.  Just as I grabbed my shoes off the floor, I heard him take a deep breath, causing me to freeze.  

"Can you please stop walking out on me like this is some one night stand?" he said. 

Damn.  I almost made it out.  I stayed still hoping he was still asleep and was sleep talking, but I heard him get out of bed and walk to me.  

"I know you can hear me.  Just come back to bed," he said, grabbing my shoulder. 

"I can't I have to go home." I replied, shrugging his hand off.  

"Well you could have said goodbye." 

"I didn't want to wake you."  No I didn't say goodbye because it isn't what I do.  I don't let my feelings get in the way.  Saying goodbye was like saying you cared and I didn't care.  

"Ya, right.  Where are you going to go anyway?  You were the one who came here crying about yet another fight you got in with your mom.  Are you going to go back to her house?"  

"I don't know, but I'm not staying here."

"Why not?  I want you to stay here.  I want to make you feel better."

"I don't stay over, ever.  And you already did make me feel better if you recall."

"Just stay over.  Talk to me."

"No, I can't,"  I reached for the doorknob, but he grabbed my other wrist and pulled me back causing me to drop my shoes.  

"Why not?  Why can't you tell me anything?  I want to get to know you, instead of just having sex whenever you want to."

"I don't get to know people and I most certainly don't let anybody get to know me," I said, trying to shake my wrist out of his grip.  

"Why not?" 

"It's just the way I am."

"What happened to you to make you so messed up?" he asked, frustrated, taking my other wrist.  

"Why do you even care?"

"Because I care about you."  

I messed up.  He couldn't care about me.  He isn't allowed to.  Caring inevitably led to heartbreak and I couldn't take anymore pain.  I couldn't be let down again.  I wasn't going to open myself up to someone, because when he stopped caring I would be alone once again.  It wasn't like I didn't like him, because if I didn't I wouldn't have even called him in the first place.  He was the first guy to actually try and be with me.  All the other guys I had ever met took one look at my scars and went running; I could only be with a guy when he was drunk because their senses were gone and all they could think about was having sex with me.  Dustin was different, he hadn't asked me about the scars that were scattered across my body; each time he found one when were together he would kiss it softly and continue on with whatever we were doing.  "No, you aren't allowed to."

"You can't tell me what I'm allowed to feel.  I know you care about me otherwise you wouldn't have come here."  

"You're wrong.  I don't care about you!" I yanked my wrists out of his hands and made another unsuccessful attempt to leave.  

He grabbed me by my waist this time and pulled me in for an urgent kiss.  He knotted his hands in my hair and pulled me towards his bed.  Damn his parents for not being here and interrupting.  I tried to resist, but he held my waist close to him and soon I was kissing him back.  A few seconds later I wound my hands up to his chest and pushed him away with all my strength.  "Stop."  

"Hope, just talk to me."

His persistence in trying to break me was so irritating, part of me just wanted to kiss him to shut him up, but the other part of me wanted to tell him.  As much as I didn't want to break my rules and care for him, I hoped that he would be different.  I hoped that if I opened myself up to him, he wouldn't leave me, break my heart, or cause me anymore pain.  I couldn't take anymore pain and loneliness in my life.  

"Tell me how you turned out like this."

"Fine.  You want to know why I like this?  I can't afford to open myself up to someone, or let myself care about anyone because everyone will just leave me.  Where do you think all the scars came from?" I motioned to my arms.  "Every time I got hurt by someone, my mom, my dad, or someone else, I took a knife and cut myself.  It got so bad that I ended up in the emergency room and in daily therapy sessions.  I thought that after my mom saw how much pain I was going through, she would lighten up and be more proud of me, but she wasn't.  In fact things got worse.  It was like I was a disappointment to her because I let my emotions get the best of me.  I hoped for something and I ended up even more sad and alone than I was before.  So I don't open my heart to anyone because I don't want to fell sad and alone anymore." I took a deep breath.  "You're right, I do care about you; and it scares me so much because I'm afraid that you're just going to leave or disappoint me and I can't risk it." 

I looked at him for a brief second and then grabbed my shoes and left his room, this time he let me, but I wasn't as lucky as I thought.  

"Wait," he breathed just as I was about to leave his house.  "I'm not going to leave you.  If I was, then I wouldn't have had sex with you today, or yesterday, or for the past few months.  I like you, you're different from other girls; you don't care what people think about you.  I want to be with you and I promise that I won't ever leave you or disappoint you."  

I stared blankly at his hopeful face not knowing what to say.  I had never let a guy even come close to saying those words and hearing them made my heart race.  I wanted to be able to trust him, but I have been disappointed so many times I didn't want to risk it so I just walked out of his house without a single word.