The Book Nook

24

 Not once had I ever seen Alexandria shed emotion like this. She was always so stoic and confident, always the master of the situation. I had never seen emotion run away on her like this. I didn't know what to do nor think.

It felt awkward so sit there a few meters away and just watch, unsure of whether or not she would be alright with me attempting to console her.

Was this even a situation that was consolable? She let herself be quite vulnerable with me. Admitting a lot of things aloud - her old ways of desiring validation and searching for it in all the wrong ways; her deep sadness, her obvious troubles with love. She permitted me to see a lot of her just then, potentially much more at one time than I had ever seen yet. Maybe even more than all the other times combined.

She was facing away from me, curled up in the bean bag chair, her knees tucked up into a fetal position, her whole body sunk into the center of the pink object. She looked like a young girl who has had a bad day.

The giant bean bag made a squishy sound as I pulled myself out of it. I went over to her and kneeled down next to her back, her face still obscured from me. Reaching out, I put a hand on her shoulder.

"Alex," was all I said.

I could feel her breathing, her slender body moving up and down under my hand as I lingered on the boniness of her shoulder, the feel of her shirt soft under hand.

After a moment, she raised her hands to her face and appeared to be wiping away any tears from her cheeks. Then she appeared to risk it by finally turning to me.

It was still fairly dark, but I was close enough to see her much better. She didn't attempt to look at me directly, but kept her gaze down although I could still see the smears in her eyeliner.

"I'm sorry, that was - That wasn't me. I don't get like that."

"Yeah, you really broke character there for a moment," I said grinning, trying to make her smile.

She gave only the shortest scoff at my attempt, her expression mostly unmoving.

"Are you okay though?" I got serious again.

She gave a small nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I guess there's just a lot of things..." She made a light sound of laughter, an attempt to shrug it all off. "Just a lot of things inside my head, I guess. I'm fine though. Thank you for letting me have a little moment."

I stood up again. "Yeah, no worries."

"Cool," she said and waved her hand as if the memory was now forgotten. "Momentary emotional imbalance. It's gone."

I wasn't entirely sure if that was it. That all she just needed was a good cry for half a minute and then was perfectly fine again. I suspected not, but Alexandria had a reputation to uphold in front of me, and letting me see her cry certainly was not a part of that persona.

Remaining expressionless on the outside, I wagered whether I should or shouldn't call her out on it, to tell her it was perfectly tolerable to show vulnerability in front of me.

"You know," I began. I had decided to go for it. We'd already had a little disagreement earlier there in the library and I had weathered that storm and stood my ground just fine. Surely I could again if need be.

"You know you don't have to keep up the macho persona around me all of the time. Surely you understand that it's absolutely reasonably acceptable to show any small amount of vulnerability around me. I don't care if a few tears roll down your cheek! By all means, go completely all out and let those waterworks flow! It doesn't make me think any less of you. Why won't you understand that? You're introspective and vulnerable one moment, and then all tough and rugged the next. Like you have a reputation to uphold. For the umpteenth time, just let your guard down. That's all. You don't have to keep hiding. I like you just the way you are. For the tough, unflinching spartan tenacity and for the sweet, soft tenderheartedness. You're an enigma most of the time, Alexandria, but please, when you catch allowing yourself to be unguarded around me, don't freak out and put the walls back up. Just....just be."