The Book Nook

29

 I had given myself time to walk around and calm myself down. I am still angry at the dead-end game with the half-hearted note left to me at the end. I was not impressed to say the least.

Kyoko suggests that I take a few moments to calm down and then she could lead me out of the library, making sure the doors are locked behind us, and then we could both go home. I nod my agreement and Kyoko gives me a little, round flashlight she kept on her so I can look for my shoes. She goes off to find another one so that she can go take down all of the glow sticks from each location before we leave for the night.

I find my shoes shortly thereafter and then wander off in the direction I know to be towards the furthest corner of the library. The light from the flashlight helps; without it I would be lost in a dark maze.

The longer time passes by, the more calmer I become. I'm no longer in such a fury as to fling helpless lamps off desks. My temper is back under control. I even feel foolish for having lashed out as I did. The walking helps reason float back to me, the anger dissipating.

The thought comes over me that I had initially overreacted to the final note. I do not feel any better about it, but I have to settle on the fact that I just didn't understand enough. So because of that, I tell myself that I did not have enough evidence to jump to any conclusions. Doing so would indeed be daft. I am a calm, level-headed thinker and I would not let this 'game' get the better of me.

It is clearer more than ever that Alexandria had thought she had a good reason for doing what she did, even though I myself do not understand that reasoning. What I needed to realize is that there are things about her that have been left unknown, things she has not divulged, and things perhaps that she couldn't. This left me with an incomplete view of all the things that she is, and therefore it would be impossible to either a) have seen this coming, or b) become able to see why she has done what she has done.

This makes me feel a little less bad, momentarily anyway.

In all sense, I had no right to be angry. I knew much about Alexandria and I knew better than anyone the kind of turmoil that is persistently reverberating inside of her. All I had to do was either recollect all of the contents of her book that I have read, or call back any memory of almost any conversation we shared, and I would have a clear line of sight to see that this here is no ordinary individual, rather one whom is burdened by the world and longs for a better, different place in it.

I realize my error in judgement. After Alexandria had returned from her first bout of going MIA and I suggested my place when she needed a place to temporarily stay, I thought that was it, that perhaps she had resigned herself to putting much of the past behind her. I suppose that my hope had been in her deciding that this life with me in it would be a life worthy of settling for. My failure, however, came in not seeing that this was incredibly unlikely for a multitude of reasons that I had glazed over. In the end, I had nobody to blame but my own self.

Sauntering my way to the upper floor and towards that far corner of the library, where I had the memory of physically - and intentionally - climbing down the rabbit hole, I begun to sort all of this out in my mind.

I think that what I would like more than anything right now is to have one more conversation with her. I feel like this 'game' of hers has had a much more profound effect on me already, even much more than she could ever have intended. It has caused me to reflect deeply.

I wonder where she is right now and what she is thinking, what emotions are colliding inside of her, or whether she has pushed all emotions away entirely.

I've been doing a lot of this ever since meeting her. This chasing. Sensibly, what happiness could ever come out of someone constantly chasing the other person? Really, what was it they were hoping for? To convince that person that they were worthwhile? If so, why should that person need convincing?