Excerpts from a Stranger

DIARY ENTRY SEVEN

Dear Diary,

It's Sunday... On this beautiful day where the sun shines bright, I can only feel the coldness the wind passes through. The world and its people have made me look at the negativity only, and honestly that's breaking me down terribly. So when I look at the cloudless sky from the window seat of my room, I see different kind of birds flying with their wings wide open. I wish I could do the same. Living life without being scared all the time. I'm scared of losing people. I'm scared of losing myself. I wonder how anyone could ever live in anxiety? Is there any way of escaping it? Rescuing yourself? I guess I overthink too much, but that's what life does to me. Unfortunately.

I've got this annoying clock in my bedroom, you can hear it ticking all the time. I've put the clock in my room on purpose, since my room is the best place to think about everything. Anyway, the ticking of the clock reminds me of how this life doesn't just stop whenever you're feeling down or whatever. It just continues ticking and that's beautiful honestly, it reminds you that you should continue what you're doing; breathing.

I've just recently figured out why I feel so empty, deep inside. As a kid, I have never received any kind of love a kid should get. I guess with ageing and puberty I just distanced myself more and more from my family. I always felt like I wasn't good enough even if I tried my hardest to get things done right on time, but clearly I wasn't. Where did it go wrong? Is it truly my fault? I've heard my mom saying "It's okay, you can hate me as hard as you want, but at the end of the day, I'm still your mother so don't think you'll get away with everything you've done to me." Until this very day, I'm still figuring out what I could have done wrong since I'm just doing what the ticking clock taught me to do, yet I know what I did. I've distanced myself and I have no idea how I should fix this problem. It's hunting me since forever and it's tiring me so much. If this clock only could turn back time, oh trust me I would.

Seeing my mom so shattered, hurts me more than getting the blame for everything.
You know what I find so amusing? I'm always here in my room, contemplating about my life and going insane in my mind and yet everyone thinks I live in a fairytale. Having loveable parents, having loads of friends, getting everything I want, having good grades at school. But no one knows that I've studied hours to understand just one thing. No one knows I've worked during vacations to get what I want. No one knows about the discussions and fights I have with my parents. No one realizes that I don't have friends, yes I'm very sociable and I can get along with just anyone but friends? I don't believe in them. Sure, I do have really close people by my side, closer than my own parents, but those people.. Honestly they're only two of them, and I do say 'only' as if it's so sad, but they're more than enough. The word 'friends' is meaningless to me. If I truly love you and I can't imagine a life without you, than you're my soulmate.

I'll just go with the flow, I guess. Doing whatever I want, pushing away the bad vibes. I'm a very dedicated person, I'll fight for what I want and oh how I'll fight for my life.

​- Sab

• excerpt written by - Sabrine R
*instagram @tranquil.thoughts*

concept 'Excerpts from a Stranger'
created by Shamim Hussain